How can I obtain a college degree in a week?

Question

Hi, I'm an American. I like things to be fast. For example, when I go to a restaurant I always order steak or any other dish from the grill and I expect that meal to be served as quick as possible. I consider society to be too slow for me. Servers always look at me weird, but that's how I am and I'm not going to change. I don't care if they hate me. I also consider that being a server is an easy job. Nobody should ever tip servers. No way. A baby can do that job. I'm fast. Deal with it. I want things now.

But anyway, I am here to try to find out if there's a way I can obtain a college degree in a week or less. I need it. I want the accolades and the envy of being scholastically good at something, but I don't want to work too hard to achieve it. You know, something fast. The way I like things to be. The American way. It's like, dude, I don't care if I don't have the money to buy the car I want. I'll ask for a loan and pay it "tomorrow".

Now I'm off to McDonald's. I'm going to get me one of those McCafé cups because that makes me look French and being European is cool. It's a coffee, but with a French name on it, so it's cooler than just plain coffee. Boy, are they fast at McDonald's! Can't the Mexican restaurant from the street where I live learn to cook steaks faster? I mean, the way McDonald's prepares its burgers. God, I don't understand these foreigners. They complain because they say we're racist, but they can't perform a single task they way it's supposed to. It's not that I'm racist, Pedro. It's the fact you can't cook a steak fast. How smart do you have to be to cook a steak? Flip the damn thing once or twice and serve it! No wonder I get to enjoy life and you get to be covered in grease all day long and eat the remainders of my plate. Hahaha! Poor people are dumb.

So thanks for the help! See you later!

Answer 1

okay, to be totally honest with you, it is impossible to obtain a college degree within a week. it sounds like you would be better of doing one of these two options that are the fastest out there:

1) some type of certification (how long it takes depends on what type of certification youre looking at, but it is typically shorter time than obtaining an associates degree. i recommend getting certified by ONLY very credible places, like a junior/community college, red cross, etc.)

2) an associates degree (typically takes two years, available at junior/community colleges)

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Answer 2

No offence, but (based on being from the UK), but over here it takes two years to complete a college course, in full time education. It takes two years because that's the amount of time it takes to learn everything. There's taking shortcuts + there's being plain ridiculous. Expecting to get a college degree within a week, unless you already know about everything there is to know about the subject, is completely unrealistic.
If you want something in life, do it properly!

And your comments about the chefs, I found actually quite offensive.
Think before you speak + consider how your words could offend/affect other people next time!

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Answer 3

The only way to obtain a college degree in a week is to purchase it from a mail-order college (in which case it has no value whatever other than to the charlatans who got your money), or to be awarded an honorary degree.

The remainder of your comments are in my opinion insulting, born in ignorance, and not worthy of response.

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Answer 4

get your a piece of paper, preferably torn from a notebook. now go get some crayons


and write this in your favorite colors.

I HAZ COLEDGE DEGRE

if you want to put an optional "*******" disclaimer, i think it would be beneficial to others.

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Answer 5

University of Phoenix comes close to the type of institution you seek, but even UoP takes longer than a week to get a degree and you have to at least go through the motions of attending class.

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