Marital problem, please help!!!!!!!?

Question

me and my husband have been married for 2 years. i have a 4 year old from a previous relationship, we have a 3 month old, and another one on the way. we have had a couple petty fights here and there but over all i thought we were pretty happy.

my husband is in the army and he is 18 hours away from us re-classing, he's supposed to be home dec 16 (but we don't know for sure yet) he calls me the other night and we get into this heated argument and he tells me that he is still in love with his ex girlfriend but he won't divorce me because he doesn't want to have to pay child support or alimony.

i have been a stay at home mom for as long as we've been married. so i haven't worked outside the home in a really long time. i also recently found out that i have cancer so i have multiple surgeries ahead over the next 1-2 years. and since i just had a baby 3 months ago the fact that im pregnant again so soon after my c-section my dr has advised me to take it easy through out this pregnancy. in fear that my incision could reopen. so i'm not exactly in any position to go back to work any time soon.

what do i do? he wants to stay married, but only to save money. he is still supporting us financially, but he has just decided that he doesn't love me anymore. how am i supposed to deal with this kind of information? I don't believe in divorce, i never have, but i know he has been pursuing his ex since he left. i am in no financial position to be able to take care of 3 kids on my own, but how do i stay with some one knowing that he is in love with someone else and has been communicating with her? i honestly love my husband and so much so that i want him to be happy, and if that means with some one else then so be it, but i just don't see how i can stay with him. but at the same time i don't know how we can survive with everything going on right now with out him.

what i really want is for him to tell his ex to f*** off, and for us to go to marital counseling and make things work between us, but i don't know that i could ever get rid of the fear that he is only doing it to keep from paying alimony and child support.

any advice would greatly be appreciated.
thanks

Additional Details

wow, thanks missinginaction. like i didn't already know that!

answerdude- no not at all. i always loved having sex with my husband. we had heard that you cant get pregnant while breastfeeding. and there was a lot of sex before he left to go to texas. like i said i thought we were pretty happy. and when i told him i was pregnant again he was excited about it. we thought because of the cancer (which is cervical) that we wouldnt be able to have any more kids.

thats why i am so torn here, this is completely out of the blue. is it possible that he is just having issues because of the separation? i dont know.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

I can tell you this. I once was very self centered and really focused on what was best for me and what brought me pleasure. I made this a higher priority than my wife, my kids, anything. What I wanted was all that was important. 14 yr's ago, I struck my wife. It was just days after christmas. At the time we lived out of state, and she called her parents and they came and took her and my 2 yr old son back to their home. After a period of being totaling furious and blaming her for all the crappy stuff between us, I began to feel led to find a local church. That was the beginning of a long journey of redemption. We got back together after about 5 months. Since, we have had highs and lows, but God has been there faithfully. 4 1/2 years ago, I lost my job and we had to move to a city where we could afford to live. My son came to me one day and said that he felt that we needed to start going back to church. He and I drove to about 5 church's close by. When we pulled in the driveway of one, I felt a very strong urge to go there. So we went that sunday and I truly accepted Jesus Christ as my savior about a month later. Since then, I have really sought for God to help me to change, and man has he responded. I had anger and selfishness my whole life. I have now come to a place where I put others needs ahead of my own. I almost never get even a little angry. And the type of stupid stuff that really pushed my buttons before, doesn't hurt at all. The main thing I had to do was to forgive people who had hurt me and to forgive myself for doing all the stupid, hurtfull things I had done. God had already forgave me when I asked him to, after accepting His son. Here the bottom line, from the view point of a guy who has in some way been where your husband is now. #1 If you come to a point where you have to be separated, and if he is having an ongoing affair with this other woman, that is the only reason that Gods word would say you should leave, you have to understand that it is courageous to make that decision. I am so thankful that my wife had the courage to leave when she did. It made me realize what I really wanted and that I had to do something to save it.
#2 He can change, if he chooses to. But more important is that he come to a point where he allows God to help him. Gods word says that HIS thoughts are higher than our thoughts and HIS ways are higher than our ways. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He has seen tomorrow in advance. He made us in a way that we are capable of overcoming whatever tomorrow brings. But we (people) often have such a narrow perspective, that we don't even use the gifts and strengths that God placed inside us. #3 You need to change also. Not because any of this may be your fault. its not about fault, its about the fact that growing in knowledge, wisdom and understanding is what causes us to be more confident of who we are and what we are able to do and what we are capable of handling. Right now, You are in fear, and you can't think straight. Nobody can when fear takes over. #4 YOU are worth it and your marriage is worth it. I mean worth the fight, worth the work, worth knowing that bad things may sometimes happen to good people, but that they have a way of making them better, stronger and bringing them closer together. I may sound crazy, but the best thing that ever happened to me, was my wife leaving me. It was hard, like really, really hard. But so much good came as a result. And today, my wife and are are madly in love. We are best friends and can talk about anything. And we do alot for each other, but it is with a heart to serve each others needs and not to get something in return. I want to pray for you. father God, I thank you for the opportunity to speak into the life of this young lady and her marriage. Father I bind fear right now in the awesome name of Jesus Christ. Lord, let her feel you there with her right now. I pray that she will turn to you and that you will be of great comfort to her. God, I pray too for her husband. Lord help him to see first of all, who he is. Let him see the value he has to you, to his wife and his children. Help him father to understand how to be strong, how to resist these temptations that he is having. Father I pray that the blood of Jesus covers this entire family and that you will send into their lives, good strong believers, to minister to them, mentor them and help guide them thru this difficult time. father most of all I pray that this young lady feel your love, the fatherly love that you have for her. Help her to understand the difference between your love and the love of man. help her to see that she needs your love for her, her kids and her marriage. Father bless this family and each person in it. Amen

Asker's Rating:

Asker's Comment:

wow, thank you so much. no one seemed to uderstand that i love my husband. and it's not all as simple to "just divorce" him. i put my entire life into this family. thank you for praying for us. that really made me cry. i just hope that my husband will see things as you did.

Answer 2

hey - if staying with you for money is what will make him happy, then so be it. make his life the most miserable ever. that way you'll be forcing him out, and he'll STILL have to pay!!!

Answer 3

WoW, your life is a mess.

Answer 4

You must be some woman.

I don't love MY husband enough to sit back while he "falls in love with someone else" drops his family like a hot potato so he can "be happy".


I actually feel badly for you. This situation sounds horrible.

Source(s):

I totally agree with ah-ight.

Your so-called husband holds NO power here, even though at the moment it appears he does. He doesn't. And he KNOWS it.

Answer 5

You got me on the 3 month old and being pregnant again! WOW

I have 4 kids and one on the way but they are all at least 2 years apart!


Just my guess but YOU were not ready to have sex again but thought you HAD to for him and thought he would leave you if you didn't? Right? Well now your pregnant and even that will not keep him faithful. What are you going to try next?

Answer 6

Just because he doesn't want a divorce doesn't mean you still can't file and obtain one.

Just the basis of him not loving you, loving another woman and only wanting to retain you for financial reasons is more than enough for a divorce to be granted I would think/

Answer 7

Right now, what you need is someone that truly care about you, call you sister, your parents, I'm sure they'll stand behind you if you decided to move out. You sunk your self pretty deep in this trouble, you have to help your self to stand up, meaning growing a back bone. You realize he put you as his "Second" choice, you know you definately don't deserve this humiliation. Some suggestion I have for you is first take a hold of your financial control, money can give you the strength you need to hire a good lawyer. Second call your parents up, give them a head up that you might have to move out, and move in to their home for few month until things are taken care of. Take care of your self, keep your shape, youth and beauty, don't bother calling his ex up, this is can be your biggest revenge.

Answer 8

The man has said he w/ you ONLY so he doesn't have to pay child support and alimony and is in love with someone else and you want to do marriage counseling?? Sorry but no amount of marriage counseling is going to make him love you if he doesn't, He has shown/ said he doesn't about as clear as a person can. This sounds too much like a creepy true crime show where the husband can't get rid of the wife other than doing away with her. Scary. Be smart and start thinking of yourself and the kids. He is worthless.

YOU file for a divorce since he won't and get an excellent attorney to get you the child support and alimony to go to school so you will be dependent on no one. Be sure to tell your attorney what reasons your husband gave for not divorcing you. A good attorney will be all over that. BTW You should think more of yourself if you want to set an example for your kids. Only when you are able to do that will you realize you deserve something better and will then be able to quit being so desperate as to hang onto a man that does not love you. Harsh? It may sound it but you know it is true.

Answer 9

If I were him I would feel incredibly burdened by all the children. Birth control is a good idea for you two. The cancer may just be too much for him to deal with as well. That doesn't make it right, or make him a good person. Have you considered an abortion?

Sounds like you better find someone you can lean on emotionally to get through this. I hope you're close to your family.

Answer 10

Hi Loryn

I have read your story over and over, I feel so sad about your situation,you will probably receive so many solution to this question, my answer is the most bizarre one

you have at hand 3kids and very bad health situation, no job what so ever, no income, no one to rely on but GOD, who to turn to if you step out? no one as you said in your question, so what to do, this is really the problem, the load is to heavy for you, the road is too long but also another women in your married life is bit crowded

my advice to you, stay home, look after the kids and your health,keep a good relation with your husband like nothing happened, I know is hard but try hard, hope for the best, in my believe your husband will be in trouble with his conscience and he wont last for long with the other women
good luck and god bless

Answer 11

WOWWWW!!!!!!! you are on the right track in telling him about your feeling about the ex-girlfriend but to be on the safe side stay quite and start a mad money fund,find a place to stay for the kids,do you know if the ex writes or have any other contact with him?get proof!! talk to his command an let the chips fall,now you he got you just where he wants you broke,barefooted,pregnant,paying all the bills...i really want to lay into this guy but i'll keep my trap shut

Source(s):

i was n the military too,my crazy unit life left my wife alone alot to we had a son the longest time i was home was 1 week the in the field for6-8 months the stuff can get to a person

Answer 12

Get out of this sham of a marriage as fast as you can. Take care of yourself and your children, if you believe in abortion at all, this may be the time, honey. Get some counseling..for yourself!! You are the most important person here, do what you can for yourself and your children. Stay with family if possible, visit girlfriends and people who love you. Tell his commander, get as much proof (names, phone numbers, e-mails, etc) as you can! Good Luck!!