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Formerly known as "UnderValued" and finally matured.

  • Have you ever had any marriage surprises after the honeymoon phase like undiagnosed disabilities for an example?

    I've been trying to live my marriage like a traditional marriage for over 15 years now and it's just not working. At first it started that way but something happened and my wife went from a traditional woman to a sorta traditional girl. Yes, I downgraded the nouns there; I don't know if it was a regressive change by choice or because her adult life has made it very difficult for her, but I've been trying to put my finger on the change for years claiming it was feminism, or anxiety disorders, or bipolar disorder, but I think what my wife really has is a disability that hasn't been (and likely won't ever) get diagnosed. She's "playing" adult but she's not really an adult. She can think like one but she isn't actually there emotionally/socially/mentally. So I just wondered, is it normal for someone to enter into a relationship, get married, and then find out later that there were underlying issues that weren't seen by (or were purposely ignored by) their parents and have become untreated?

    5 AnswersMarriage & Divorce3 weeks ago
  • I'm starting to wrap my mind around what autism REALLY is and I wonder how I can help my wife. Any ideas?

    Okay so my son was re-diagnosed with autism at the beginning of this month (he turns 18 soon) and during the meeting it became VERY apparent that my wife has this too (how my son got it) and now it opens my eyes but it also puts a new problem on this marriage of mine.

    Some background story about me (UnderValued) first. Over the last 11 years I've been on here asking questions trying to get answers to the most difficult questions and all of your advice never worked. Most of you said "you never tried it" but you're all wrong, I tried it but it didn't give the results my marriage needed.

    So to those who don't know what autism REALLY is. Autism is a developmental disorder. The brain will basically favor certain tasks over other tasks due to some areas having less connections and other areas having extra connections. Typically people on the spectrum will lean objective but be emotionally reactive and not understand their bodies or emotions. All this I knew for 11 years when my son was first diagnosed. What I didn't know though is how severe the less connections affect basic human function.

    My son (and likely my wife) have poor working memory (can't remember anything). They also have extreme difficulty explaining their feelings, their thoughts, or to receive verbal instructions and reply to them (especially with me since I talk a lot).

    So here's my question. If my son and wife are the same, how can a marriage with unfixable bad communication work?

    6 AnswersMarriage & Divorce4 weeks ago
  • Did my wife and I make the right decision to euthanize my 17 year old cat or should we have tried to get him better?

    History: 8 years ago a kitten we adopted came home with a weird sneeze and eye issue. A few years later our senior cat got it. Turns out it was FHV and not allergies. There was a vaccine to prevent it but we couldn't afford vet care prior to now.

    More history: 2019 got new puppy and we did a lot of rearranging. Shortly after our 9 year old dog got sick (turned out to be cushing's). I was busy the whole year caring for dog and pup that I didn't notice my senior cat was only eating dry dog food (on the ground) instead of dry cat food (up on a ledge). Our dog died on 1/27/20. We noticed the senior cat acting weird in March before the COVID lockdown; vet says he's fully blind in both eyes with hemorrhages and has bad kidney levels so needs special WET food. 

    He was adjusting ok to being fully blind but recently we saw him straining to poo. We thought he just needed more water so we offered it to him personally; he drinks on his own too but we don't know how often.

    Lockdown ends and we take him to an eye specialist. Told he has a painful eye ulcer from the FHV and possibly anemia and that he was dehydrated despite our extra efforts. After visit he's getting worse rapidly (stress?).

    I go to the vet on an emergency visit but it was too late. His X-ray revealed he had a lot of dry stools stuck; it also found he had a huge mass (tumor?) on his kidney (confirmed by ultrasound). He also has fluid in his lungs (FHV URI?).

    Could he have gotten better if we would've tried to help him?

    7 AnswersCats2 months ago
  • My 17 year old autistic son wants to find like minded people online, the thing is his mind is very niche; any ideas where to make friends?

    My son has a business mind. His whole life has been about making products to exploit the general masses. Of course his products are minecraft levels, art, roblox games, story ideas (but not actual stories), and ways to solve global problems (just not social ones). So where does he find people who like the same things? Everything he likes are things he invented, so there's no "fandom" for him to join which seems to be what other kids his age do, and his creations aren't good enough to get a following. So I'm at at a loss.

    3 years ago I had him add strangers who lived in the area like other teens do. He got to 1,000 friends but on a whim he deleted everyone except the people he's met in person, and even those people he doesn't talk to.

    Autism is such a strange thing. He doesn't make sense to me. He wants people to talk to, but he doesn't want to do the work or follow the rules of making friends.

    1 AnswerFriends2 months ago
  • My wife has never pays attention to me because of her constant preoccupation with self interests and her avoidant lifestyle. Is this normal?

    I'm 38 this year and I've been married for 16 years but together for 19. Up until our 2nd child was born she spent a lot of time charming me and making me feel special (I would do the same back) but after that 2nd child she's been so focused on them and her own interests that I haven't really been existent in her life for the last 14 years. I fight to gain her affections and attentions again but there's always a new pain in her body, or a new assignment that's behind in the kid's school, or something going on at work that has her depressed, or a chore that needs to be done, or she's mentally drained and she wants to watch a show or play a game, or she wants to start a project (alone) and make herself feel better by being more productive... Basically, there's always something on that woman's brain that prevents her from realizing that I exist. I still do things to make her feel special but it falls on deaf ears, blind eyes, desensitized skin, and empty hearts. Her duty to the family and to her self improvement (not physically, just emotionally/mentally) is more important... Next year she turns 40, will her 40's be better or does it get worse from here?

    4 AnswersMarriage & Divorce2 months ago
  • Do I have ground to stand on or am I being difficult?

    My wife is currently doing everything and anything to not think about problems (example: Coronavirus, BLM, our adopted daughter who moved out, our blind cat, our bills, her job, etc) so to do this she's coming up with a billion ideas/projects to improve her life. Sounds good right? But they all cost money and that has me upset because she never finishes anything at home; she starts a project and then she leaves it unfinished. Plus there's the debt problem... We have $15k in debt right now (new van, xmas, adopted daughter was a brat and demanded a lot, vet/dental bills, etc) and I want to pay that off. We can't increase our income any more without ignoring/neglecting the kids; so the only other option is to decrease our expenses - thus not doing ANY of her projects. So when she told me she wanted to paint a wall in our kitchen I told her no. She said it's only $20 and I said no still. Am I being petty or does she have a spending problem?

    22 AnswersMarriage & Divorce2 months ago
  • Do males on the autism spectrum ever develop emotional feelings or is that part of the spectrum's effect to be emotionally detached?

    My son has only ever had one crush in his life (he's 18 in 2 months). And that crush wasn't even a romantic or sexual one, it was based on a girl who was mysterious and he wanted to date her because she was "new" and he couldn't find any flaws. But then he got to know her and her flaws then he lost interest practically overnight... Besides that one occurrence, my son doesn't have any emotional feelings towards anyone or any thing. He's impartial to everything and everyone. He thinks being apathetic is a positive trait too, he claims all the time that people are too much drama and that they need to be more laid back like him; but if everyone was as laid back as him then nothing would ever get done (he's very lazy and unmotivated to specialize in anything achievable).

    I'm just wondering, what does it take to get an autistic person to feel emotional bonds with someone? Or are they just not capable of doing that?

    3 AnswersMental Health3 months ago
  • Not sure what to do as a husband now that I'm in my late 30's. What is there left to do if she doesn't even want my time/attention?

    Without divorcing my wife, I am stuck in a monogamous/faithful marriage with a woman who doesn't enjoy sex, giving, anything to do with emotions, hard choices, or hard work. Everything she says/does leads me to believe she has undiagnosed Asperger's because it seems to run in her family (our son has it). She just doesn't respond to ANY non-verbal queues the way that other women I've met does. She's very, very odd. I love this about her, but it also drives me crazy...

    My wife has two modes nature/things or power/status and little much anything else. She will obsess on things like video games like Final Fantasy but she will obsess about how to gain power and status to prove to herself that she isn't stuck in a stalemate in her personal growth... Her appearance means nothing to her and her hygiene as well (autism signs) and most of the time she treats me like a roommate not a lover or a romantic interest. This became especially true when she started taking Zoloft and birth control pills (for hormone reasons not sex).

    With my recently adopted 18 year old moved out (but visiting to see my wife as her mom and ignoring me) and my 17 year old aspie son trying to get famous through making Roblox video games instead of graduating high school and my 14 year old daughter keeping to her room, I just have no purpose any more if my wife is going to keep up her autistic tendencies and ignore me... I could return to being a gamer or otaku, but I'd rather have social connections tbh...

    7 AnswersMarriage & Divorce3 months ago
  • Is this the "equality" that women want or is this me being petty because my wife is a narcissist?

    My newly adopted daughter (18 yrs old) is running away with her boyfriend (22) in an apartment today. We adopted her last year in August and we gave her a whole new life from the foster system life. Despite our efforts though (close to $7k spent) she'd rather return to a familiar life of being poor than go directly to middle class; so she's moving out by 4pm today (before we get home from work).

    She's hinted at moving out back in March but we thought she was only mad at us because she stayed until now, but she did say back then she was only staying for her dog (who she is leaving with us) and because she has no credit yet to get a mortgage with so she needed our help more to build her credit up.

    After mother's day she fought with us and now she's moving out now. She blocked me and my wife on all social media and even blocked our number on her phone. She's disowning us and pretending like we never existed.My wife was close to her and even got a tattoo with her. I wasn't close but I was her Jimminy Cricket since she has PTSD and ODD. She's moving out to gain full control over her life, so naturally I'm the target of her aggression. Knowing this I've been depressed for a week now but my wife has been avoiding me and not willing to comfort me at all; instead she's chose her side.Today my wife said she's going to cry after work. I told her I'm going to comfort her the same amount that she comforted me (not at all). She said she doesn't want my comfort. Should I even talk to her?

    6 AnswersMarriage & Divorce3 months ago
  • What am I supposed to feel now that my recently adopted daughter ran away from her new home to elope with an unemployed man 4yrs her senior?

    Xmas 2018 a random girl added me on Instagram (I have 10 followers and they all know me). She was a bio sister to a friend of my son's friend who was following me, so she was very loosely connected since her and the bio brother were separated and living in the foster system in different facilities. I referred her to my son and they hung out not long after; we felt bad for her being stuck in the system and we wanted to give her a new life (her previous adoptive parent died and no one in that bloodline wanted them) so we became her foster parent and then adopted her in August 2019.

    It hasn't been an easy ride though. We tried to adopt the bio brother too but it turns out the previous family had a lot of anger/jealousy/abuse/neglect. My new daughter convinced me it was the bio brother but in recent events with my own bio children I realize that it was the adopted daughter's fault all along. She has extreme jealousy issues and will get verbally aggressive and emotionally destructive/manipulative until she gets BETTER treatment than her siblings (bio or adopted).

    So in a way I'm grateful she's moving out because she's toxic and she was not meant to live WITH anyone to whom she has to share love with because she will compete and try to have it all. But also I'm depressed by this. We invested over $7k into creating a new life for her and even bent our traditions to fit her previous family's, in the end we feel like she never loved us back and we were just a stepping stone for her.

    7 AnswersAdoption3 months ago
  • What can I do about blatant unilateral sexism in my marriage that benefits my wife but hurts me?

    My wife believes anything that could benefit her SHOULD benefit her, and anything the could hurt her SHOULDN'T hurt her. Take feminism for an example. She believe she should be treated like an equal to a man in a relationship (which I agree) but she doesn't believe that she should have to do any work in a relationship with a man because it is a MAN'S JOB to do all the work to "get the girl"... Can someone explain to me the logic in that? So she gets to be my equal but she doesn't have to do any equal work? That's like saying someone wants to be able to drink all the liquor they want but they refuse to have a hang over the next day; like they told their body that if they have a hang over then the body is grounded or something... It just doesn't work that way. You don't get the benefits of something and then have the consequences of you having it not apply... But yeah, this is my marriage and has been since 16 years ago when we got married (we married young and she wasn't like this prior to the marriage); so what am I supposed to do about this? She has undiagnosed autism so arguing logic/reason with her only results in circle thinking that the system some how supports her and it doesn't support BOTH OF US... And obviously being emotional about it goes no where; so it seems to me the only options are: (1) Divorce or couple's counseling - both she won't agree to, and (2) Avoiding her and just living in a loveless/sexless/friendless marriage.... Your thoughts?

    3 AnswersMarriage & Divorce3 months ago
  • Should I encourage my wife to take up drinking wine regularly until her OCD brain shuts up?

    My wife just can't stop thinking. It's been a really long time since I've actually had her to myself or the family did because of it. Sometimes it works in the family's favor like when she goes into cleaning mode, but most of the time it goes against our favor and she compulses the entire day away playing games (the game changes every few months but it's always a game that requires mental energy so her brain can be put to work). The thing is, when she's in game mode, we're talking 1 to 8 hours she'll be on her phone; and when she gets off it it's only because she's hungry or because she fell asleep (she plays in bed).

    My wife takes Prozac for her OCD and anxiety/depressive symptoms. This wasn't given to her by a psychiatrist though; she got a script from her PCP; we don't know if it's high enough to make a difference or even the right script for her, she just takes it because she had social anxiety and she needed it to overcome challenges at work. Challenges that requires her to be more outgoing and assertive than she is in real life; ones that drain her of ALL of her energy physically but her mind is still active thinking about the day's drama or all the work she left behind unfinished.

    I know other people with OCD have self medicated with alcohol and it seems to take the edge off. I also know that no amount of alcohol is good for a person who's trying to avoid carcinogens. I just want her to relax and enjoy her life; it's really sad to see her waste away our youth.

    6 AnswersMarriage & Divorce5 months ago
  • Going home to a chaotic mess where nothing ever gets resolved is the most depressing thing I have to do every day. Does it ever get better?

    A wife who refuses to admit she's still depressed and anxious despite taking prozac given to her by her PCP and not a psychiatrist and who has intrusive thoughts that she only knows how to get rid of through playing a card game on her phone (in which she's 5,000 games deep on since the beginning of the year).

    An adopted daughter who's not unlike my wife with those intrusive thoughts only in her case she comes up with irrational and illogical solutions to these intrusive thoughts and will act impulsively to end them. She is addicted to tik tok, memes, dark humor, and boys (like truly addicted, in a codependent borderline personality disorder way).

    An autistic son who refuses to catch up his grades so he can graduate this year and who refuses to take care of his hygiene, to form friendships, and to clean anything in the house that he leaves behind. He also is the nicest out of everyone but he's so unproductive that it's maddening.

    A young daughter who also has hygiene issues and likes to give the older sister grief for her dark humor and her bad decisions. Honestly, she bothers me really minimally and I wish I had more time to hang with her.

    Then there's me who wants to fix it all but I can't. I don't know how to because I can't be in 10 places at once, so I end up being in 0 places at once.

    3 AnswersMarriage & Divorce5 months ago
  • Why is it easier for other guys to be stoic/heartless and not me? Why do I care so much about people who care so little about me?

    I've always had a soft spot for ANYONE who's in the need of help. I used to think that it's because I just have a good nature about me and I really want to better other people's lives (which could really be it) but looking at modern society and how social conflicts go this is clearly my weakest trait and it will be used against me over and over and over and over again because it is a known vulnerability. But why is it so easy for other guys to not give AF and so hard for me?

    Is this "really" a good trait? Or is benevolence no longer an admired trait (especially since I'm agnostic and I don't know if there's a God)? Seems to me being conniving and manipulative are sought after traits in today's world; those traits get things done and people even respect someone who gets a "win" over someone who was able to be fooled (I think they call it being savage). So what good is being a "good person" or a "good hearted person" if everyone uses it against me to cheat me out of something?

    I'm sorry for the rant, it's a real question though. Why is this hard for me? Why can't I just not care and be heartless and feel "owed" like all the other adults my age (I'm a Xellennial - I'm in my late 30's)? Why do I have to care for people and get hurt because they use that care against me to control me? How do I stop caring about people who don't seem to care about me?

    1 AnswerOther - Social Science5 months ago
  • Why is it so hard to shake the feelings of guilt after a guilting/shaming experience happens in my life?

    My wife wanted me to do domestic labor so much that she attacked every single thing I loved to do to relax and now I can't do any of those things because I feel ashamed for liking those things even though I have time on my hands now to do them since I'm doing my share of domestic labor? Why is it so hard to let go of someone's abuse? Why does it literally live in my body and tells me "no, you can't play a video game, you should be doing something else because your wife said so".... And it isn't just my wife, my mom did it my entire childhood prior to meeting my wife and now my adopted daughter does it too.... Why do people use shame/guilt to control people? Obviously it works, but it's sooooooo abusive and disrespectful!!!!!

    6 AnswersMental Health5 months ago
  • I finally see how therapy (emotional strengthening training) can benefit me and my marriage; I'm just scared. What if the boat falls apart?

    There hasn't been a day in my life that I wasn't manipulated by a girl. Seriously, I'm looking back and I haven't known a single girl in my life who treated me with respect and dignity. My mom, my classmates, my bosses, my workers, my co-workers, my wife, my daughter (actually, I guess I do know one person, my youngest daughter hasn't), and even strangers who I interact with randomly since I'm a friendly personality type. Every single one are using their feelings/emotions to manipulate me to do something for them, especially if that "thing" they want is to win a fight and get their way...

    I'm just worried that if I were to take away this emotional vulnerability from them, could they be skilled enough to get what they want through treating me with respect and dignity? Or would they increase their manipulative tactics until it started working again? And if it never works again, would they abuse me or threaten to leave and find someone who it does work on (classic narcissism move looking for a new supply like my adopted daughter just did).

    Obviously my biggest fear is abandonment. I don't want to be left alone. That vulnerability has been exploited a million times. I also have a fear of doing harm; I don't want to live my life knowing someone is in pain because of me - so they come up with fake injuries and make me repent for something small/petty that probably didn't hurt but they knew it would get their way.

    I'm also manipulated by rules/laws that are double standards...

    3 AnswersMarriage & Divorce5 months ago
  • Why does current modern society paint ALL men like we are capable of evil things when it's more common for women to manipulate men?

    Yes, there are evil guys who act like they are prince charming just to get in a girl's pants but that's not the majority of men.

    But what I do believe takes up a majority of women is acting like the damsel in distress or like a ditz/airhead or like they are poor just to cheat men out of resources or to get him to give things to her that aren't tangible (time, attention, affection, safety, company, etc.).

    So why do we live in a current modern society that allows women's toxic behavior to go unchecked and unscrutinized but men's behavior is not just under the radar but we are all guilty until proven innocent?

    Bonus question: How does this create a gender equality if all men have to prove themselves to be decent guys and girls don't have to prove anything since discriminating a woman would be called misogyny or sexist? Isn't stereotyping all men as f*ckbois sexist against men?

    7 AnswersGender Studies5 months ago