Hey everyone. What do think of this? Please be brutally honest! Thanks.?

[Untitled] The cold crept upon me like night meets day. Dawn to dusk, Another day, Forgotten prayers. And now: we are just here. As my eyes blur and my throat becomes dry. My words coarse and brittle, as things that One can only find in unknown words. Unknown thoughts, and Yet i here i lie. There i... show more [Untitled]

The cold crept upon me like night meets day.
Dawn to dusk,
Another day,
Forgotten prayers.
And now: we are just here.
As my eyes blur and my throat becomes dry.
My words coarse and brittle, as things that
One can only find in unknown words.
Unknown thoughts, and
Yet i here i lie.
There i lay, my DNA.
My identity known to all.
My thoughts assumed by all.
My circumstance?

Dead.
Update: This is for chunkyb: It's funny you say that because i wrote this having been drunk and been out, i had quite a good time but nothing that would have made me suicidal! i smile because i don't feel this way anymore. Basically i was in my room and started to think and suddenly i had the pen in my hand and... show more This is for chunkyb:
It's funny you say that because i wrote this having been drunk and been out, i had quite a good time but nothing that would have made me suicidal! i smile because i don't feel this way anymore. Basically i was in my room and started to think and suddenly i had the pen in my hand and wrote Untitled. It should really be called "Unfinished" because i plan to alter it at some point. I think that the shell of the poem is good enough to build on. The whole idea of two people having written it is funny because i'm a Gemini and starting to believe that there really are two parts of me. THe 'lie' to 'lay' is supposed to illustrate how the poem turns from present to past, life to death but maybe it doesn't really work.

Anyway, this was my first question to sort of test the waters. But thankyou all for your answers, even the nasty ones 'i don't like it..', you did exactly as i asked. ta x x
31 answers 31