suzyQ™ asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

ANOTHER NEW POEM. Any thoughts? Better title?

ENDING

Life swirls, circling to interlock,

Growing larger, spreading out,

Touching more, until finally

It intermingles with all the lives

Before and still to come;

And then grows smaller, each individual spark,

Until it shrinks back down

To the same small flicker

Where it started out.

So, too, with us.

We are born, grow, and join to others;

Entwine with all we touch;

Swell to fill our world;

And finally ageing, shrink back down

Until we are an individual once again

And fading to our own small world

Flicker out.

©

6 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I always love reading your poetry...women like me, of a certain age identify with your symbolism. You have quite a gift.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Life swirls

    circling to interlock,

    Growing larger, spreading out,

    It intermingles with all the lives

    Before and still to come;

    And then grows smaller

    each individual spark,

    Until it shrinks back down

    To the same small flicker

    Where it started out.

    So, too, with us.

    We are born, we grow,

    and entwine with all we touch;

    we swell to fill our world;

    And finally aging,

    shrink back down

    Until we are that single spark

    And fading to our own small world

    Flicker out.

    these are just my thoughts...

    actually i like the poem as it is, but if i was critiquing it this is the advice i would give.

    ((hugs))

    usually in poetry less is more.

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  • ocana
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    Dinesh call: Bee Honey Postscript: Your poem is so solid Dinesh--- particularly enjoyed it, and the build is astounding. I enjoyed the disciple of your meter distinction consistent with line on each and every person stanza yet your parallel syllable count extensive type L1 (10), L2 (8), L3 (8), L4 (6) is as solid because it gets. Is there a popularity for this manner poetic format? despite---is particularly cool Joe Clark!!!!! thank you to pass, and robust luck with the call, I agree on changing it, nevertheless unique not as undesirable as you think of....and.... Congrats _______________________________________...

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  • 1 decade ago

    actually, it's quite good...i would make "entwine" past tense (add a "D")...swell to "swelling" ...and there is no "e" in "aging"...i'd make shrink into "shrinking"...small corrections, and you have a very good poem, hope you get an "A"...oh, and maybe make "flicker" into "flickering"...the title? how about "metamorphosis"? (meaning a change in form) because you show a life change...

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Flicker Out. I do like the suggestion that Sherl gives, though I agree with her that it's fine without change.

    I am in awe of your talent, my dear.

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  • 1 decade ago

    How about " Fainting Flame" I think it has a good ring to it to go with your poem.

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