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Tell me the funniest jokes you know!?

hey guys!

I am seriously bored right now so tell me a couple of good jokes!

tell me something really funny! nothing inappropriate.

(you know what I mean) anyways the joke that gets me laughing the hardest wins!

goo luck!

LOL!

Update:

Creed P

I posted this exact joke for some lady who wanted to know knock knock jokes except mine went like this

"Knock-Knock"

"Who's There"

ach

ach who?

bless you!

well they aren`t retarded but I guess you could do better!

Update 2:

Ricky D

that was just gross!

Update 3:

Joe K

that is the longest one but if I had to choose yours would be the best! the F*** part had to be the funny part!

6 Answers

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  • Joe K
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Nun and Fortune Telling Machine

    A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

    She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."

    She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

    She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

    The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

    She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

    Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again".

    Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".

    Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"

    Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

    She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

    Source(s): found at www.ticklemewithjokes.com
  • 1 decade ago

    Outrageous lying

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

    The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

  • 1 decade ago

    My Brother Uses To...

    "Knock-Knock"

    "Who's There"

    "Ach"

    "Ach-Who?"

    "Please Don't Cry!"

    ....I Know Stupid But it Makes Me Lol... And a Very Stupid One i Made...

    "Knock-Knock"

    "Who's There"

    "Me"

    "Me-Who?"

    "Your a Cat You Said Me-who [Meow]"

    Source(s): i'M Retared...= b
  • MoRmEx
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    -A guy on a hit and run charges talking to the judge : It ain't my fault, i told the victim to move out the way but he didn't, i used my lights, i honked the horn several times...he didn't move out the way, it's his fault.

    -The judge faced the victim all smashed up in court and asks : well sir, why you didn't get out the way when he told you to?

    -The victim : well sir, i couldn't do much,i was on my newspaper booth.

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  • 5 years ago

    How bout a yo mama comedian tale LOL.. My dad instructed me this one as quickly as we've been little. (and while my mom wasnt there Lol) Your mom is so dumb, you observed her observing the orange juice carton, and once you asked why, she responded, "because of the fact it says 'focus'" Lol, it consistently makes me chortle..

  • 1 decade ago

    What's yellow, smooth, and dangerous?

    Source(s): Shark-infested custard
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