Can I tell a friend we don't care that he's gay *before* he's officially out to us?

A friend of mine is very likely gay. We all assume it at this point, but he isn't out of the closet; he has a fake girlfriend who also assumes he's gay.

Now comes the question: I want him to know that we, his friends, don't really care at all. We've discussed it, etc.

Is it any of my buisness to tell him we're his boys regardless before he's out of the closet, or even before we're 100% positive (as opposed to 98%)?

I'm straight and don't have any openly gay friends, so I don't really know how any of this works. Any help would be nice.


It's worth noting that I'm modestly uncomfortable about this whole thing: even posting this question. I don't know why I added that. Just take that in to account...

5 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think you should tell him that you value his friendship and plan to be his friend no matter what obstacles may come up in your lives.

    Yeah, I know that is sort of mushy for a str8 guy to say, but something along those lines...what the hell, if you think he's gay, it's OK for you to be more open to him than you might to some str8 friend who'd take it wrong. I do not think you ought to mention "gay". If he's not out, he doesn't want to be yet. I think telling him that you are his friend is more important than "outing" him at this point.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    If I were you I'd wait until he comes out of the closet and then when/if he does you can offer your support then. If you try to offer support now and you're wrong about him being gay it could damage your friendship with him. On the other hand if you're right about him being gay and you try to offer support to him before he's come out he might be embarassed and get mad at you. By the way you're a very good friend to him to want to support him regardless of his sexual orientation.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    NO! the answer is no.

    you have to be respectful of boundaries. if he or she has not shared any new developments regarding his or her sexual orientation than you have to accept that.

    by saying that you are accepting of a life style that he has NOT shared with you or anyone else, as being his own, than it could back fire causing him to be pushed in the proverbial closet further.

    it sounds as though you just want your friend to know that you're accepting of any lifestyle they choose (which is great) but be patient.

    Coming out is a HUGE step

    if you care and love this person, Let THEM decide when and if they are ready to be open with this.

  • 1 decade ago

    No, it is none of your business. He should be the one who decides when and if he wants to come out. Besides, only he knows for sure if he is gay. You and his gf are both speculating.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i think you should. just mention that you're ok with him being gay and you'll be his friend regardless of his sexual orientation. if i were him, that would make me feel great.

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