I was molested by my uncle and im confused!!! Is really my fault?
Hi i was molested by my uncle when i was 11 he was 28. He had came from El Salvador and he was staying with my family. My mom was working and my dad was too. I was helping my uncle with his english and then i told him that i wanted to play with him and we started to play. It's all very confusing to me but i remember telling him to pretend like he was going to attack me ( i guess like karate because i had taken karate when i was younger) We started to play and i voluntarily fell to the ground and he was bending down and on top of me and he grabbed me down there but over my pajamas and i just looked at him shocked and i grabbed a stick and hit him not too hard though then i ran to his room and locked myself in there and then it gets confusing cuz this memory mixes up with other memories, well he was telling me to open the door and i did and then i dont remember what happened but all i remember is that he is pulling my pants down and i back up against the wall trying to keep them up but he wasnt pulling them down hard he was playing with me like that and then after that i started falling down and he starts climbing up on me and i can still remember his face he looked like he was horny and i grabbed his shoulders to push him down and then i got up and kicked him on his chin with knee and i went running out and he followed me trying to grap me by my hips and that's when my dad comes down the stairs and catches us. For some reason i feel confused because i dont feel like it is my fault what happened but when i remember it it is my fault the events that happened seem like its my fault like for ex: when i fell down he didnt make me fall i did it on my own will and when i opened the door i did it because im not sure cuz then it gets all mixed up( but i just remember that when im in his room my sister comes out of her room and she passes by and i push him off so that my sister wouldnt see him on top of me then she goes back in her room and i stay with him and thats when he starts pulling my pants down. I feel like it's my fault because that's how i remember it- being my fault. I guess my mom made it feel that way too because she said that i wasnt suppose to be playing with older men. Well this is what happened after that happened- i told my mom she talked to him and my dad kicked him out. I told social services when i was in 8th grade so it's already been reported. I know it's not my fault but when i remember it, it feels like it's my fault and my mind starts playing tricks on me like it wants me to believe its my fault! help i am seeing a therapist for this its just that i just wanted to get some advice on this like was it really my fault? cuz some times i start thinking that i actually wanted it and when it finally happens i dont want it (im 16) now
- PeterSympathyLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
You know what? You did everything exactly right!
In fact, it's amazing how well you did everything throughout the entire situation. If a counselor were trying to explain what perfection would look like, she would use your encounter as an example. I can't even imagine how anyone could have handled the situation any better.
I am amazed. I am in awe! I applaud you.
Everybody should give you a standing ovation. : )
What you did was you said 'No'.
That is the best thing anyone can do.
He touched you in an inappropriate way and you immediately hit him with a stick to indicate to him that the answer was 'No'.
Then, you ran away, which is exactly the right thing to do.
Then, when he persisted, you kicked him.
And then you told your parents, which is exactly right.
And then your father threw him out, which is exactly right.
You are an amazing person and you have an amazing family. That truly is remarkable. I'm impressed!
And then you reported him to social services, which is wonderful.
And then your parents found a good therapist for you, which is amazing.
Every child on earth who has been molested by an adult should read your story carefully and follow all the steps you followed just the way you did. You are exemplary! An example to young people everywhere. : )
So why do you feel so bad?
This is the great mystery. When people are molested, there is always a voice in their head that worries that somehow it was partly their fault.
I don't think anybody knows why this happens, but it seems to happen to everybody.
Logically, the bad guy is the bad guy and the innocent victim is the good person.
I have no idea where the feeling comes from. It should be everyone's job to reassure anybody who is molested that the bad guy is the bad guy and the young person is completely blameless.
The whole world has thought about these issues, because this has happened before between adults and children. The whole WORLD agrees that the adult has done something wrong and the child is completely innocent.
Why is the child innocent?
When you are under age 18, you just haven't had enough -time- to learn about the world, to learn about men and women. You haven't had enough time to make decisions about what is right and wrong, and about what makes you feel uncomfortable.
Because you haven't had time yet, it is wrong for any adult to suddenly put you in a situation where you have to make a decision quickly. Making decisions is hard. Making decisions quickly is even harder.
You DID make a decision, AND you made the right decision, AND you took immediate action, AND you made sure that adults you trust were immediately informed.
But not every young person can do everything right instantly. And it is very unfair to ASK a child to be able to do everything right instantly. These are the kinds of situations that are very hard even for -adults- to figure out quickly and to know what to do.
Because he is over age 17, he is an adult and he should have known better. You succeeded beautifully. He failed miserably.
All I can say is 'Bravo!'
Just to be on the safe side, everybody should leave everybody ALONE until both the man and the woman are 21 years old, or even better 25 years old and married to each other.
You mentioned something about feeling as though you wanted it. This doesn't make any difference at all.
Those feelings don't start suddenly when you are 25. They develop over time. Everybody wants to play and have fun. Everyone feels many different things, all at the same time, most of the time. Everybody. Our brains are complex. ESPECIALLY if you're really smart.
But once you said 'No' by hitting him, it was all over.
No means no.
It's that simple.
You made a decision. We live in a civilized world--not in a world of cavemen. Once you said 'No', it was his job to apologize and leave the house immediately.
Feeling feelings just means you are a healthy person.
To repeat, 'No' means 'No'.
I can't believe that he was so childish at age 28 and you were so wise at age 11.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I think what is happening is what often happens with children when they get older and that is that they try to rationalise what happen then with how they think at an older age.
I did some counselling studies and will share this with you which I hope will explain what I mean.
It was role play but with a real scenario. I was being the counsellor but the 'client' (another student) had to present me with a genuine problem.
This man was a married man and father of several children. He brought to me his guilt feelings at having caused the death of his father's dog. When he was 7 years old the dog was out and he called the dog who was on the other side of the road. The dog went to run across the road and was hit by a car. The man even up until that day in college believed that he had killed the dog and that his father blamed him for its death. He and his father had never spoken about it. So, I suggested that he (as a man in his mid 30's) was expecting himself as a 7 year old to act and react as a man in his 30's. At 7 years of age there was no way that he could rationalise the situation as it was then and he was beating himself up for being a child. I suggested he talk to his father about it, which he did. His father did not blame him and he said that my chat with him had really helped. He had spent almost 30 years misguidedly carrying a feel of guilt which was not his to really feel.
In your situation you seem to be beating yourself up for no good reason. You were 11 and it is natural for an 11 year old to feel that play fighting with an uncle is a fun and safe thing to do. You were a child, young uncle was a man, being 28. The fault (and blame) lies squarely with your uncle.
- 1 decade ago
Having something that that happen to you can be very confusing.
You need to remember that you were the child not the adult.
Your uncle was the adult and he is responsible for his actions.
When something bad happens to us our minds like to make up stories about how it was our fault.
Don't listen to what your mind has to say. A lot of times it's not very helpful. You are in charge of your mind not the other way around.
Forgive your uncle for he is the one accountable for what happened. You will be surprised about how good it feels to say "I forgive _____"
You are special and always protect your heart because it is a very beautiful treasure that no one else has but you.
But don't follow your heart because your heart goes after what it wants and that is not always what will be best for you in the end.
Stay strong and know that you're very important.
I'll pray for you and God loves you :-)Source(s): Christian
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
Honestly you was 11 years old. I really don't think that was your fault. It was your uncle, a guy you thought wouldnt hurt you. You was playing around with him..and didnt think much about it. Then..well he did you wrong! Don't let your mind tell you it was your fault, because you was just 11.. and it was your uncle! When it's someone you know and trust then you never think they'll do anything like that.Source(s): experience.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
wasn't your fault u were too young to even understand it
you thought it was all fun in games and it was until....he got the wrong idea.
Not your fault (you may have accidentally given him the wrong idea but you were just try to play around)
not your fault at all
I mean you shouldn't of opened the door but... whts done is done
when your young like that and some sick person like him does that its really hard to understand but don't worry ok? everything will be ok with help from therapy =)
I wish you luck♥
- 1 decade ago
You need reassurance, that's all. And it wasn't your fault, of course not. You were/are a child, and was/is the adult. It is never the child's fault. Adults know where the boundaries are, and should abide by them. I'm just proud you told someone and got him out of your house. GOOD JOB!! You're very brave!
- 1 decade ago
Incest is not wincest.
What you did was a major no-no.
It's fo shur your fault you got molested.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
i say give him some see if that's what you want. You'll only say and wonder what if, if you don't try it. firstname.lastname@example.org