My husband doesn't seem to find me attractive anymore and blames me for all his problems?
How can I fix this relationship?
He is says sex with the same person for years is boring.
He is partialy disabled, and can't work so I do many things for him. But he is always blaming me for having no money (trust me I don't spend.) He is limited help around the house, and he won't hold my hand, Won't kiss me, and if I approach him he says he is in too much pain (part of disability) We have sex occasionally...but he doesn't snuggle or kiss me.
We have no money for babysitting, or meals out. And we can't find other parents to trade babysitting with, and no relatives to babysit. (His parents refuse)
How do I fix this? How do a fix the relationship? How do I get a sex life back?
Is there any hope that I will be in a warm loving relationship with my best friend? A relationship like we once had before his disability and before kids.
I am 100% certain there is no one else...and no one on-line either. I work from home and we are together 95% of the time or with kids...
I posted these same issues previously and I was told " til death do you part"
How come the answers are so different now?
- curiositas49Lv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
First, you are a wonderful mother, wife, woman ... do not beat yourself up as the circumstances surrounding your relationship with your husband erode your sense-of-self.
Next, both of you need to spend much less time in the same space ... I certainly and unwaveringly love my wife and children but there is no way I -or they- wouldn't be at wit's end if we were spending 95% of our time together ... that's just not healthy and, because of his disability, his dependency on you has unwittingly transformed into a co-dependency.
Because you have little disposable money to do things like have dinner out or even get babysitters, it seems reasonable then that you can't spend time out of the house spending money ... as such, in order to reduce 95% to 70% or so, look for things to do that have little to no cost ... libraries, museums, social clubs/organizations. If your work can be taken from your home (laptop) then do so ... use a public place to get online and conduct your business. If that's not feasible, you still must schedule time out of the house -alone- on a regular, if not daily, basis.
Many previous respondents offered you good advice and considered your situation with compassion and a true sense toward providing you some suggestions for improving this situation ... pause and consider much of that good advice.
It certainly seems like your husband is depressed -and, it certainly seems as if he is angry. Some folks respond to depression by shuting down, hiding, not wanting to engage with others ... other folks, like your husband, lash out. You're there to be the recipient of his lashing out. It doesn't make it right (no, not at all), but it does make sense. As such, until he is willing to engage in an intervention to get to the root of his issues and work with you -together as husband and wife- then it's imperative that you do your best to reduce the opportunities for your husband's anger to be directed on and at you.
Please know that as hard -and sincere- as you try to fix this relationship, under the present circumstances, you cannot do this alone. Unquestionably it takes a direct willingness on the part of your husband and, I'd argue, most likely an objective third party such as a counselor or therapist. He may be resistant to that, so you may (as someone else suggested) have to first convince him to see his physician and get appropriate medication prescribed.
And yes, I would be adament about going in with him to speak with the doctor. Because of his condition -mostly depression and anger- you cannot take the chance that your husband -alone- will be candid with the physician. As such, you need to be there and provide your voice, your perspective, and your support (whether your husband is able to recognize it as such or not). At a minimum, the doctor will recognize your efforts and concern and, it's quite possible, see an opportunity for you and her/him to work together on getting your husband physicaly, emotionally, and sexually healthy again.
And, from your perspective, you most certainly can use a partner in your efforts right now -and it's not bad having a physician on your side. as that triad (you, your husnband, the physician) can help buffer your husband's tone and behavior towards you (because the physician sees you as the help -and hope- your husband needs)
I'm not attempting to minimize your circumstances or pretend that if you do X, Y, and Z that everyone and everything will fall into place and be better. However, you are at the point where you're breaking down -and you're the strong one! Something needs to change immediately and the most reasonable intervention (beyond counseling/therapy) seems to be medication.
You cannot continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect something to change ... you need to be a part of making the change happen. Start by making an appointment for you and your husband with a physician.
Good luck -and try to keep us posted on Y/A.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I don't think you are the problem. He still finds you attractive and loves you very much I'm sure. The problem may be that he thinks he is less of a man and can't do all the manly things that other husbands do that aren't on disability. I realize that you work at home and take care of him and your kids and family, but now you have to make him feel like he is ten feet tall and you wouldn't have it any other way. Since the two of you can't go out because of money, make a late date for at home anyway. It really is too bad that his parents won't help out and babysit, but if you know your neighbours at all, maybe ask them to do it. Anyway, hopefully when you do find a sitter, you should make a date and after you eat and stuff, put on something sexy and revealing and offer to give him a full body massage' and rub and kiss him all over letting him know just how much you need him in your life, and let nature take its course. Good luck.
- 1 decade ago
It sounds like no matter what you do you aren't going to fix the situation because there is something wrong with him. Maybe depression. Guys seem to be wired a certain way and maybe his disability is causing him emotional issues because he feel inadequate.
He sounds lucky to have you. Hope this doesn't get the best of you.
How do you fix this - professional help if he is willing. You deserve a "real" husband and your kids deserve to have a dad who is completely "there" so hopefully he will be willing to work on this.
People can only be helped if they are willing to help themselves.
- MiriamLv 44 years ago
Your mother is completely wrong. Bravo to you for supporting your wife. If I understand the post correctly, your wife was pregnant with a second child when your mother through that rant and rave and called her a whore. Do you realize that that emotional stress alone could've caused a miscarriage? I realize that you're used to your mom being this way but that does not give her the right to disrespect your wife in her own home. It's uncalled for and rude and, honestly, you did the right thing. Now, if your mother wants to not have a relationship with her son and grandkids over words that were said and will not take the first step to make amends, that tells you alot. Your mom would rather be right than happy and youll never fix that, even if your wife apologized. Let your mom be who she is but don't ask your wife to play small in her own home because your mother is on a tirade. That's not fair to your wife.
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- Sue CLv 71 decade ago
I would say his disability plays a BIG part in the way he suddenly has changed. He no doubt is quite depressed as he is unable to do what he could do before, so this makes him feel lesser of a man. This also would account for the lack of sex too. He just has the feeling of being inadequate period. Of course you are taking the brunt of it because you're the ONE who is around him 24/7. Due to his bad feelings of himself, he then puts you down because this in his mind just brings you down to his level. It's just pretty clear that the way he treats you & talks to you, is actually stemming from the way he actually feels about himself. It's called "displaced anger". In other words, he puts his feelings about himself on you. First of all, he should definately see a Dr., because there are SOOO many meds. available for depression there is one that w/work for him. I'm on one myself, & it's made me feel so much better. I've had a lot of sadness in my life lately among other things, I just HAD to do something about it. After loosing my 14 yr.old granddaughter recently in a car accident, it really put me over the edge & all I did was cry. The meds. have helped me greately, along w/my son & his family who are now left w/one daughter. My Dr. explained to me there are many people walking around who should be on depression medication. Lots have natural problems from it because of their chemical make up. So in other words, you don't even need a "reason" to be depressed, it could be your chemical make up. Also, never have we seen so many ads lately for depression meds. So that rite there shows you how common a problem it truly is. He definately should go see a Dr. re that & can honestly get great help w/that alone. You also could tell him you're sorry for the way he now is, but you did not cause it, or ask for it, nor should you be the one who takes the brunt of him being the way he now is, He has no rite to blame you nor to take it out on you. You are also dealing w/it whether he realizes it or not. So for him not to think you're not aware of what he's going thru on a daily basis. IF you could chg. things, you surley would, but you have no control over it. Please do not "punish" you for something that is completely out of your hands. You're doing your own suffering from it in other ways, in case he hasn't noticed it! Let him know you'd do anything in your power to make things back as they were before. Don't be afraid to bring up how much you'd love to have a little attention shown to you again. How you'd love to have him make love to you again & give you the feeling he loves & appreciates you. Don't be afraid to bring some of these things to the surface & show him what you're going w/o because of circumstances beyond your control. Can't he just try a little to make things more like they once were, & just maybe that would also help him too in the long run. It sure would give him back some of his own self worth again whether he realizes it or even gave it some tho't. Let him know you're in this together, & you'd love to get back some of what you both had again. But I seriously believe he should look into the depression meds. as I KNOW w/o a doubt that WILL also help him. Then you'd at least have a chance, have a hope of regaining some of what you've both lost. I sure do wish you the best...:)
- ?Lv 41 decade ago
Sounds like he's really fed up with the situation and the disability, and he's expressing it in other ways, which sound like he's critisizing you.
Is there a support group of others with a similar disabilty or perhaps more severe - have a search on the internet and see who you can find?
- 1 decade ago
i think he maybe depressed too
it might be because of his disability and his lack of physical performance that's getting to him
some men like to be in Control, such as being the primary "bread winner" and the head of the house hold
and since he is disable and cant go out and work or be the primary income provider he may feel for lack of better words less of a man
and he could be taking this out on you because he may feel as if your more Superior than he is
and by making you feel like crap gives him a Sense of superiority
all i know to tell you is try to find ways to make him feel more important and more manly
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Your husband has to learn that when he made that vow he made it for life through sickness and in health.
Which means no matter how he feels about you sexually now...he has to deal with it and he doesn't want too. He would rather go find a lovely young lady fresh out of College and bang her brains out.
- 1 decade ago
He needs god in his life.....
He can leave you and the same will happen to the next woman
when will people learn that relationships take work and not sex....
It is nothing wrong with you it is more of him..
He has to change his attitude about the relationship
I say seek counselingSource(s): nice guy
- joyLv 41 decade ago
please do not take any advice from people who call him a jerk and ask why you are still with him they are obviously selfish and immature
they cannot possibly understand what it means to be committed to someone you love
you have been patient and caring of your husband's situation, you still love him and want to be together...that is admirable and to be commended!!!
look in your community, a hospital, the people who counsel those with disabilities...I am not a professional in the field so I cannot properly direct you...try 211, it is an advice line for United Way