marriage is falling apart b/c i want another baby and he doesn't?

for the last 2.5 years, i've wanted another child so that my son won't grow up as an only child. my husband is dead set against having another baby. about a month ago, i was diagnosed with glaucoma and the dr told me that if i want to conceive, i need to get myself off the drops b/c it wouldn't be good for the baby. after hearing that i proposed a deal with my husband. try for 3 months and see what happens, if nothing does, i will accept it as destiny and never bother him again.

he told me he needed time to think about it. anyway, on sunday night we were lying in bed, he was talking about how happy he was with our relationship, our life together, etc...and i asked him to give me an answer regarding the baby issue. he said that he still didn't want one. i said that if i knew for a fact that he didn't want one as much as i wanted one, i would be able to live with that answer, but based on his reasons (which was basically that he just didn't want another kid), i wasn't convinced that he felt as strongly as i did. i told him that i was devastated by his answer and that my life felt incomplete...and would never feel complete now. his response was, "...putting all drama aside, if you truly feel that way, maybe you need to find another husband." i was shocked..esp since just 10 minutes earlier he was going on and on about how happy he was with us. well, i just lost it. i said some really mean and hateful things to him and kicked him out of our room.

since then, we haven't spoken with each other and he's been sleeping in the guestroom.

i don't know what to do. i don't know where the compromise is in a situation like this. i already feel like i lost. i don't know if i can even see myself with him anymore. how can i spend the rest of my life with someone who is denying me the one thing i want more than anything in life?! i don't know if i can just get over it.

i just feel sick to my stomach. i'm sad about my relationship. i'm sad for my 4.5 year old son who will grow up alone. i'm mourning the loss of a child that was never born (i know this is a weird one, but i feel this way).

i feel lost and don't know what to do.

any thoughts?

ps. i called my company's employee assistance program to find a marriage counsellor in my area. i am still waiting to hear back from them. this was the only thing i could think of doing that might help my relationship. i don't even know if my husband will come with me b/c he's very proud/stubborn.

oh, one more thing. this is the only thing that we have been fighting about for the past 2-3 years. in january of this year, my new yr's resolution was to forget about wanting another baby and concentrate on being a good mom to the kid i already have and a good wife to the man i love. b/c i had that attitude, this year was a great year for us. we hardly fought at all and we were both very happy....well, sort of. the truth is, i was trying to fool myself into thinking i was ok but i wasn't. i just can't let go of this need for a 2nd child and would be an emotional wreck every month b/c i was hoping to have an accident.

i need help!


thanks for all the interesting comments. just to let you know, the only reason my husband has given me for not having another child is that he is happy with life as is and doesn't want to change things. as for wanting this 2nd child...i have asked myself thousands of times if want to do this for me or for my son and my conclusion is both. believe me when i say that being pregnant and starting all over again isn't my idea of a good time...esp when my son is so independant now and life has become so much easier for me. as for waiting it out, well, i don't know how much time i have left. firstly, my son is already almost 5 so the age gap will be huge if we have another child. 2ndly, i will be on the glaucoma drops for the rest of my life and it probably isn't a good idea for me to stay off them too long if i don't want to go blind! 3rdly, i am 38 years old so it's not like i'm a spring chicken.

i really hope a counsellor can help us get over this huge hurdle.

13 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Why do you want another child ? What's wrong with your son growing up an only child ? You knew that your husband was already dead set on not having another child but you continued to expect. He is not changing his mind and now you are very upset.

    You already have a wonderful family. See where your husband is coming from too. If he doesn't want another child, he probabaly has a good reason. It's really sad that this is tearing your family apart.Just because your husband doesn't want another child it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think that the problem is you insisting on getting what you want or what you think you really need to be happy. Think of what kind of environment you are providing for your son right now if you and your husband continue to remain distant from each other.

    I think it's a good idea that both of you go for counselling.

    Maybe there is a deeper lack that you are trying to fill by having another child ? Perhaps this is worth exploring. Have a look at this :

    I hope things will work out for you.

  • I do sort of understand how you could feel that way but sometimes it is better to take a few deep breaths and think calmly. Did you ask yourself why you need this second child? What would change between your husband and you with a second child? Are you willing to push him so far you will lose him for the sake of another child? Most guys do not think like we do and do not understand the nurturing we have or crave to give. Have you thought about the possibility of waiting another year or 2 or after you are off the drops, if you can, and actually sitting down and doing the pro's and con's of another child. Not the i want a baby no matter what attitude but the let's see if this may be a possibility for us in the future. If you are unable to have children try adoption after a while. You get the same sense of mothering without the 9 months of your body changing. however if you will not look at that posibility then you should question why you really want another baby.

    Source(s): I am a single mother of a 2 and a half year old
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I am so sorry for you. Your husband should have talked to you about this before marriage. I know how you feel.

    Your husband should tell you a good reason of why he doesn't want another child.... do you make enough money to support a second kid? maybe he is just afraid of not be able to support another member in the family. Did you change during your pregnancy, maybe he feels that he is loosing his wife that loves him.

    ask him what is the problem and make sure you get an answer.

    Afterall you can't make him have another kid, he may hate you or the new kid. Counselling is a good thing if he is ok with it.

    Good Luck.

  • Cham
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I'm going through this with my wife right now as well. She wants another baby, and I'm set on not having any for the simple reason that I just don't want anymore kids. We have 3 together (I have a daughter, she has a son, and we have a daughter together) but she wants to give me a boy...which doesn't matter to me.

    I don't think there is compromise on this issue either because you're both at opposite ends of the line right now. You're both thinking each others reasons for wanting or not wanting are not significant enough for action.

    Fact is, you'd be happier knowing your child was wanted and born out of the love you both have for one another than it being born into animosity and resentment.

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  • 1 decade ago

    My husband didn't want another child, I had two boys and wanted another, not even a girl, just another child. Like your husband he was adamant and that was good enough for me. Forcing another child on your husband when he doesn't want another is very selfish. A child is a huge commitment and not something you should force on your spouse because you want it. He's given you an answer respect that rather than counseling to get what you want and possibly ruining your marriage.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Please don't take this the wrong way because I am just being honest, but you sound very selfish. It sounds like it has to be your way or the highway; and you have some issues that aren't related to this baby that you need to address. If it is consuming you like this, that is not normal and you may need to talk to someone about it. Don't place all the blame on your husband and don't take it out on your family. Right now you are doing both. Get some professional advice for yourself and make amends with your situation before it destroys the family that you already have.

  • 1 decade ago

    Since your husband TRULY does not want another child DO NOT force it on him. I have worked with kids/in child care for 5 years and I have seen way too many families where the dad resents his own kids because the wife was the one who forced the idea on them. In some cases the dad even glorifies the one child he does like and does not try to hide that from the others. Situations like these are much worse than having only one child.

    Think on the positive side, you have one healthy child and your 4.5 year old does not have to grow up alone. He has you and your husband and when it is time for school he will have many friends. On a good note you won't have to worry about splitting your time between 2 kids and can easily devote yourself to one.

    Source(s): personal experience
  • 5 years ago

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  • 1 decade ago

    Please don't use the excuse that you want another child so that your son does not grow up as an only child. The real reason you want one is for yourself. Sadly enough, you already have a beautiful child and a great husband who clearly is not that important to you if you would even think of leaving him for that reason. Getting mad and kicking him out of the room for simply having differing wishes than yours is childish in itself so really, it seems there aleady are 2 children in the family.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Wow! What a dilemma you have! IMHO it does have to be a joint agreement and I commend you for trying to get through to him.

    He may have felt overwhelmed during the birth of your first and is so comfortable with the way things are now. He doesn't want to go through it again?

    Whatever it may be, you will need to understand his view before you argue your point again.If you feel so strongly about this, then don't give up. Find a better approach.

    please answer mine:

    Good Luck!

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