What do you think of my book? It is just like a prologue kind of thing.?
Then last period came. It was P.E. I’m a great runner. Everyone says I should join track and field, but my schedule is not flexible enough. Lucky me today was mile day to calm my nerves. We went at the starting spot. The P.E teacher blew the whistle. I raced off. I love the feeling of the wind on your face. The rush. The pain. Running to me is like second nature, or a breath of fresh air. I ran and ran. Of course you feel pain in your thighs and get cramps, but not me. Not a lot, but then a screech of pain hit my body. Pain ran through my bones. Everywhere I felt pain. I breathed hard and slowed down. I walked very slowly. My body hurt. I felt pain everywhere. It was like a thousand knives hitting me in my body. My body was screeching and yelling for help. I could barley breath. I bent down with my hands on the floor and spitting up phlegm. I was coughing and started to vomit. I couldn’t breath. Everyone crowded around me. They were all gasping and screaming. One of the teachers screamed:
“Call an ambulance!” My body ached my eyes weekend. I was on the floor gasping for air. I was vomiting and felt pain everywhere.
“Someone hurry!” yelled a student. Everything was blurry and everything went black!
Carol Frig lived a normal life. Great family, great friends, etc. But one day Carol gets struck with a horrible cancer, Leukemia. And winning the fight agianst cancer is a pretty though Job.
- California GirlLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
You are have a great plot. But your writing needs improvement.
Yours: Then last period came. It was P.E. I’m a great runner. Everyone says I should join track and field, but my schedule is not flexible enough. Lucky me today was mile day to calm my nerves. We went at the starting spot. The P.E teacher blew the whistle. I raced off. I love the feeling of the wind on your face. The rush. The pain. Running to me is like second nature, or a breath of fresh air. I ran and ran. Of course you feel pain in your thighs and get cramps, but not me.
Mine:Then came my 6th period class, P.E. Ive always been told I was a great runner and that I should join track and Field. However my schedule was just not flexible enough. Running always calmed my nerves after a rough day. Lucky me today was the mile run. As I snapped out of my thoughts, My P.E teacher blew the whistle to start. I raced off leaving everyone behind me. I loved the feeling of the wind in MY face. I became calm and refreshed. Running to me is like a second nature. I continued to run at my usual fast pace. After a few minutes, the pain in the thighs would worsen and cramps would begin. That didn’t come to me easily.
of course my version still has mistakes. but mine uses less punctuation than urself. You seriously need to improve your writing if you want to get anywhere.
also you write i vomit alot.
- 1 decade ago
Okay your idea is definitely interesting, but your writing style needs some work. Your sentences are very short and sort of oddly placed. They don't flow very well. "I walked very slowly. My body hurt. I felt pain everywhere. It was like a thousand knives hitting me in my body." Where else would a thousand knives hit you?
How about, "I began to walk slowly, my body was in so much pain. It felt like a thousand knives were stabbing me." Just as an example?
Good Luck, keep writing!
- 1 decade ago
I agree with the first person: Fix your grammar, sentence structure, etc. Also, I am a writer myself, and have discovered this: When you start too many sentences with "I", it gets really boring. For example:
I love apples. I eat apples everyday. I love to come home from school and chomp into a nice, juicy apple. I did this today, right when I got home. I cut a red apple into four pieces. I ate one at a time. I finished the apple, then watched TV. I love TV.... Etc.
Do you get what I mean?
- Joe SLv 41 decade ago
I agree... I think it has potential, and it could be great if it were worked on. Typically, for a book about something as serious as that, you want the reader to have to create an image from the text and hidden meaning, rather than describing every visual. I hope that helps.
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- 1 decade ago
Your grammar is poor.
There is no flow in the structure.
You're very redundant with the points you're trying to convey.
If this is about cancer, make sure to do thorough research on the cancer.
- 1 decade ago
Ooh! Sounds great! It seems so interesting; great job! =D