Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Education & ReferenceHomework Help · 1 decade ago

May some one look for grammatical mistakes for me. may some one suggest me how can i improve this essay?

In an essay of 300 words or less (approximately 1950 characters with spaces), write about how your experiences and attributes will enable you to contribute to Queen's University. Your answer will be evaluated for content (i.e., your individual experiences and accomplishments), writing style, and how well you are able to communicate the relationship between your experiences and accomplishments to the personal attributes that we are seeking at Queen's .

Merciless and ruthless are the words that describe me when I am determined to get to a target. My life is centered on one basic principle: balance and equality. My passion is to accomplish my goals and my aims through hard work. For that purpose, I always try to analyze my weaknesses, and I always try to eliminate them. I believe in creativity, I always try to do different then the other people. I never accept my limitations, I always try to expand my limitations, and I never get restricted by my limitations. When I came here in Canada, my English was quite substandard, people used to laugh at me. I realized, if I stuck with this problem, I would not be able to reach my ambition, which was at that time to become an engineer. Therefore, in order to survive in this English environment. I stopped speaking my native language at home. The guy, at whom people used to laugh, became the guy people start respecting. People told me, we have seen the drastic change in your English. At that time period, I always came up against this thing that you will be failed, my own father suggested me to pursue my career in my back home. I said no to him. Because I knew that a graduate from an English university is much more valuable throughout the world. It was quite enduring for me to learn English and pay attention towards all science subjects. The most important thing that is included in my ambition is I want to surf Canada. I will always be loyal to Canada. That is because Canadian education took me from this level to that level. Canadian teachers helped me out. Whatever this soil gave it me, I want to give it back to it.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    "When I am determined to get to achieve a goal, I am persistent and diligent. I achieve this through self-analysis of my own weaknesses, and by taking action to mitigate such flaws. I believe in creativity because it is imperative to approach every situation from different angles. I am hesitant to accept my limitations until I have exhausted every method to overcome them.

    "When I moved to Canada, I had trouble speaking the English language. I realized that if I did not take a proactive stance in improving my English, I would not be able to reach my career goal as an engineer. Therefore, I made great strides to minimize the use of my native language and take every opportunity to practice and strengthen my English-speaking skills. Steadily people began to notice a drastic change in my language skills. During this time, I was struggling to succeed in such a competitive environment with a language I was only beginning to master. In fact, my own father even suggested that I pursue my career in my native country. I refused because I knew that my ambitions would lead me to graduating with a degree from an English-speaking university. It was quite difficult to learn English whilst learning about advanced topics, such as the sciences, in an unfamiliar language, but I was determined.

    "Through these experiences, I came to know and realize another one of my goals in life: to be a loyal citizen of Canada. I have great respect and a natural affinity for this country because the Canadian education has given me so much. As a small token of appreciation, I aim to pay back the debt of gratitude in any possible way."

    General Tips:

    1. Be clear and concise. Just because you use long-winded sentences or extensive vocabulary, it doesn't mean the quality of the essay improves.

    2. Try to avoid words like "merciless" and "ruthless" when you are describing yourself, especially in what seems to be a college application essay, as these carry negative connotations.

    3. Try to stick to one topic for this essay. If you are describing who you are and how ambitious you are, stick with just that. Create an intro paragraph that states who you are, and use your body paragraphs to cite specific examples.

    4. Don't mention the ridicule you faced when you first came to this country; you sound bitter. Which also happens to contradict how much you love your new country.

    5. Also, do you feel that through your hard work and perseverance to learn the language you have succeeded? How so? I would add that into the essay.

    Overall, I thought it was a great essay with a lot of emotion and honesty behind it. Just a few small tweaks, and it will be ready.

    I hope this helps.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I hope this helps you and I wish you all the best.

    Merciless and ruthless are the words that describe me when I am determined to get to a target. My life is centered on two basic principles: balance and equality. My passion is to accomplish my goals and my aims through hard work. For that purpose, I always try to analyze my weaknesses and eliminate them.

    I believe in creativity, I always try to be different from other people. I never accept limitations. When I immigrated to Canada, my English was quite substandard and people laughed at me. I realized that if my English did not improve, I would not realize my ambition of becoming an engineer. I therefore stopped speaking my native language at home.

    The guy, at whom people laughed, became the guy whom people started to respect. People complimented me on my English. Sometimes I wondered if I would be successful, my own father suggested that I pursue my career back home. I declined, because I knew that a degree from an English university would be more valuable worldwide. It was quite difficult for me to learn English while studying all my science subjects.

    Another important thing is my ambition to surf Canada. I will always be loyal to Canada because of the education I received here. Canadian teachers helped me to achieve my dream and I intend to give back to the country that has been good to me.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Merciless and ruthless are the words that describe me when I am determined to get to a target. My life is centered on one basic principle: balance and equality. My passion is to accomplish my goals and my aims through hard work. For that purpose, I always try to analyze my weaknesses, and I always try to eliminate them. I believe in creativity, where I always try to do different then the other people. I never accept my limitations, nor do I get restricted them. I always surpass and attempt to expand on them. When I came here in Canada, my English was quite substandard, where people used to laugh at me. I realized, if I am stuck with this problem, I would not be able to reach my ambition, which was at that time to become an engineer. Therefore, in order to survive in this English environment. I stopped speaking my native language at home. The guy, at whom people used to laugh, became the guy people start respecting. People told me, "We have seen the drastic change in your English." At that time period, I always came up against this thing that you will be failed, my own father suggested me to pursue my career in my back home. I said no to him because I knew that a graduate from an English university would be much more valuable throughout the world. It was quite enduring for me to learn English and pay attention towards all science subjects. The most important thing that is included in my ambition is wanting to surf Canada. I will always be loyal to Canada. That is because Canadian education will take me from this level to a far greater one. Canadian teachers helped me out. Whatever this soil gave to me, I want to give it back.

    Great essay! Just make sure not to repeat certain words all the time. You may compare the essay I have given to you as a revised version with the one you wrote and decide on whether or not you wish to accept the changes.

  • gober
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    you will desire to no longer strengthen grammatical errors on a similar time as in speaking. you will desire to decrease grammatical errors on a similar time as speaking. particularly of 'on a similar time as speaking' you utilize "communication". In different words you're able to placed your question like this: How am i able to decrease grammatical errors in converstaion?. O.ok. First improve stable vocabulary. learn extra words with their which skill and utilization. Use them on your popular communication without feeling shy or hesitation. initially you're able to do errors. attempt to % out them and rectify. cultivate the stable habit of interpreting style of books in english.

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