What do you think of my introduction?

Pick either one and tell me why you like it better :) If you don't like either, please state why. Thank-you very much to everyone who answers. <3

People say when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. The people who say that; they’re liars. I was dying. The only thing that happened was that I forgot everything. My whole life disappeared. I just wanted to live.

Water was everywhere, not letting me breathe or see. I kicked wildly against it, waved my arms, trashed and struggled. It was all in vain. I knew that I was going to die, but still, I fought against the water with everything I had. Darkness gained control of my vision and water flooded into my lungs, making them convulse painfully.

The small remains of life that I clung onto so dearly slipped out of my hands like smoke.

People say when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. In my case, that was far from true. All I could see were the small bubbles of air escaping from my lips and drifting up to the surface of the ocean. Fear overwhelmed me and I fought wildly against the water that was stealing my life from me. Darkness gained control of my vision and my lungs convulsed painfully. The small remains of life slipped through my loose hold like smoke.

If you are interested in reading further, http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2690797/1/…

If you have chosen to continue reading, mind giving me an e-mail with your opinions on my story and writing? Thanks. You can contact me by either PM-ing me on Fictionpress, or locked_under@yahoo.com

9 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    hey it sounds great. after i finish writing this im gonna follow the link to read more. i like the first one best because it sounds better to me. not much help from me. just my oppinion.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    second one is best I think the first one dosint sound as bad it sounds like she was not really worried the second goes directly to reality and the fact that there is no dicision

    about your story you sould fully explain the night of her death in the next chapter or so and not wait to long you should go back to a couple hours before and what time of day it was

  • Rae
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I like the second better.

    It flows nicely, and I like your choice of words; example, "bubbles of air escaping from my lips". It gives us a clearer imagine of what's taking place, it's more descriptive, and I like your use of a simile in the last sentence; it suits the rest of the paragraph more than when said in the first paragraph.

    In the first once, it just seems rushed, and doesn't show your point as well.

    (:

  • 1 decade ago

    I like the first one more

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Totally awesome but i think that you need to make a combination of the two to make it long...long is good. i like the first 5 sentences of the first one. and the last three of the last one. :D

  • 1 decade ago

    I liked the first one better! ;3

  • 1 decade ago

    I like the first one. I don't know why; it just seems to flow better and be easier to read, I guess.

  • 1 decade ago

    the second one for sure

  • 1 decade ago

    that was nice you should not stop writin

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