it's me asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

I have tried a different rhyme scheme. Comments/critiques?

A Woman’s Skin

Do you ever wonder about a woman’s skin

and how it looks when touched within

a rainbow night under robust moon

and the look of hope that comes over him

when howling wolves sing a hungry tune

in the heat of summer, near the end of June

and her strap slides down her moistened arm

and his eyes survey her glistening skin. Soon

he’ll reach for her, release his charm

his hands take hold of her damp forearms

and gently draw her close and tight

knowing they’ll proceed while colors swarm

around her shoulders, the rainbow lights

blush as the another strap falls, he thinks he might

caress the place the lace has paused

for the woman’s skin, soft and silky tonight.

Update:

Oops. Thanks Shirley, make that the other in S4.

Update 2:

M, I think it can be either : charm as a collective or charms. TY

18 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    (Not to offend anyone) but this is how rhyme and structure should be done.

    I didn't get tripped up on your rhyme, the line breaks were nearly perfect and, nothing seemed forced. GOOD!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    AABA... The rhyming is a bit different as you have said... Hmm... But I seriously adore the content... Especially these two lines:

    'a rainbow night under robust moon'

    'when howling wolves sing a hungry tune'

    So poetic! Excellent write... : )

  • Daisy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I like the rhyme scheme...with the third in each off. The flow works well, too. This seems to have been a good result for you, would like to read more. Typo in S4 already caught. I like this, well done!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I was reading a row of crap by m with this stuck in the middle and I was thinking that is the problem with m he writes 50 garbage pieces for one brilliant one and then I realized this was YOU and not m.

    I can't tell you how happy I am that this was written by a poet and not by 300 chimpanzees on typewriters.

    Thanks. You are great.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hot the words and damn it's morning here! My only critique would be to tighten the meter on lines to enhance the end rhyme you used. A good read, very sensual.

  • Mizzy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I really like the rhyme scheme, although the words kept me from paying attention to that at first, which really makes me like this.

    soft, silky, flow

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Started out good, the ending was $hit though. That's how you can tell pretense from reality; it's all in the ending.

  • jenny
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    And I find myself humming an oldie, "Isn't It Romantic"

    I like poems left to the mystery of imagination.

  • 1 decade ago

    your words distract me from the rhyme scheme. Looking back at the ending words, I like it.

    silky soft flowing glowing write this be...

    whew!

  • 1 decade ago

    Hotsy, totsy! This is beautifully written and flows well. I love it. My only note is in S4, second line, you probably meant "other" instead of another. Just a typo, I'm sure. Good job. Thanks for sharing.

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