Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Should I tell my ex-boyfriend's wife about us?

I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half before I found out last week that he's not divorced, only separated. I came across an email from his wife (who lives an hour away) talking about the couples therapy they've been going to for the past few months.

I'm obviously devastated and really upset, but I've had the past week to kind of clear my head and come to terms with how he could have lied to me all this time. I don't know exactly how long they've been trying to reconcile for.

I decided to do some more digging after finding the first email, and came across others from her. One said something about how she needs to learn to forgive him for the "Allison incident". By other things she said it leads me to think she knows we were an item but believes it was just a fling and ended last year. I think they got separated with her thinking it was just temporary. Then he and I got together, and I guess she's been angry about that for the past year and a half. For whatever reason she seems ready to forgive him, not knowing we've been together this whole time.

My question is: Do I tell her? On one hand I just want to forget this whole thing and try to move on with my life. On the other hand, if I was her I think I'd want to know what my husband has been up to. Or is that just being vindictive?


Believe me, I don't want anything to do with him. I even had my number changed. The thing is, she said that if she finds out he's lied to her again, it's over.

Update 2:

Spencer M - Actually, I did say in the question title that he's my ex, and I don't think a year and a half together consitutes a fling.

21 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Jess, your dilemma is a little of each thing: vindictive, moving on, AND informing. You want to hurt that jerk, you want to inform his wife so shes knows what kind of man he is AND you want closure. Truth is, as I see it, in order for therapy to work between a man and a woman, they both need to be honest and "want" to rebuild. She wants to forgive. If that's true she need to know what shes forgiving for and what kind of man shes forgiving. You need to let it go and have closure. I suggest, you gather whatever items you and he shared (pictures, lingerie, trinkets, clothes, etc) and have them sent to his wife with a copy of the e-mails. Give her the information she needs to complete the puzzle shes been dealing with for some time. Tell her how long you two were together and ask her to forgive you for interfering. He lied to you about their marriage arrangement. You are seeking closure so you're sending everything and anything to do with him away but wanted him to be honest to his wife. You want no further involvement.

    or contact.

    Do what you find best for you to complete this closure. Do NOT be vindictive.

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  • 1 decade ago

    First of all if he is still a married man he couldn't be your boyfriend. My guess is you were just getting scraps of his time and attention....which is not a relationship. If he really wanted to leave her, he would have filed for DIVORCE, not separation only. And couples therapy?.....then he's working on his marriage!

    He's probably telling his wife he loves her so much that he won't leave her, which is why she's willing to forgive him and keep him. I mean, he must be doing something right at home that she doesn't want to get rid of him. I'm pretty sure she's used to him cheating on her all the time and even if you were to tell her about you and her husband, it won't surprise her. But you can e-mail his wife and tell her about it just to cause chaos in their marriage. And tell his wife to keep a leash on her husband cuz you don't want him coming after you! And tell her that you even had to change your phone # because of her husband.

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  • Laura
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    You are definitelely not thinking of her feelings or welfare - you are only thinking of yourself. You feel used and you want everyone to suffer. My advice is to walk away - if he's as bad as you say he is she'll find out eventually - don't hurt this woman just because you are feeling bitter - it's not her fault her husband acted this way. Believe me his wife will not thank you - most probably she'll want to slap your face for meddling in her relationship and sleeping with her husband. All too often these things backfire and don't go in the direction that you'd hoped. She may think you are just a jealous woman who wants her to throw her husband out so YOU can have him - she may, therefore, be more determined to make her relationship work - You just come across as seeming really bitter with no real concern for the " poor wife" - be honest with your self - you don't care about her - you just want to ruin this guys life but in doing this you may be ruining his and his childrens by doing what you are about to do. May be he regrets what he did and realises that he wants his marriage to work - sometimes the prospect of losing ones family for the sake of a roll in the hay can make people wake up and realise what they could lose. Leave well enough alone - and be pleased that you've had a lucky escape - enjoy your life without him. Feel lucky that you are not his wife who has to put up with him and go on with your life. Added: I quote "she only married him for a passport." Great oppinion you have of the wife that you are so concerned for - you don't give a toss about this woman - you are just out for revenge. You have no right - as you say it's not your marriage - it's "his signature on the marriage certificate - not mine" - so don't interfere and back off. Don't hurt this woman - it's not her fault - have a little compassion for her - i know you've been hurt but please turn a page - you just sound really bitter and are coming across as being slightly twisted. You don't know anything about this woman so don't judge her because you are pissed at the guy - you know nothing about her and you admit all you knew is the lies he told you. Take the hint - lies being the operative word.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You know, normally I would tell someone in your shoes to just move on because she already knows he's a cheater and evidently she's willing to accept it. but somehow this guy just seems to have it going on and the wife buying it again! I think I would tell her and while I was at it I'd ask her to tell him Goodbye for me and to never contact me again in any way.

    I wouldn't discuss anything at all with him about why I did it or anything else. I would document every time he attempted to contact me and I'd file charges for harassment asap. He would know without doubt that I'm not like his wife.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Yes some want to know but its not you're place to tell her. You got screwed by him emotionally and it sounds like you want to just screw him over now with his wife. If he wants her to know he will , chances are she already has an idea of what was going on. Walk away and just move on from them. Most of the time when the other woman decides to come clean then the wife or gf takes it out on them. Yes we want to know these things but not from the person who was with them. It almost sounds like you're shoving it in their face that you were with him. That wouldn't be right. You're heart is in the right place but its not the right thing to do.

    Source(s): experience
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You are just being vindictive.

    I am always blown away when I see stupid comments like "If I was her, I would want to know"...Women write that on this board all the time. Because you would want to know does not mean you have to tell or that the wife actually wants to know.

    Sleeping with a woman's husband should not be a badge of honor, so why broadcast that to his wife? What's to be gained except a need to cause more discord and disharmony in the marriage?

    It's not the wife's fault that you did not do your homework well enough to verify the fool was still married. That's all on you. In this enlightened age, women MUST do a check on the men they are about to 'embark' on a relationship or even have an encounter with. It's the intelligent thing to do.

    Cut your losses, and move on.

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  • pat z
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I would snail mail her a typed statement specifically listing dates and times you were with her husband (so she can check it against her/ his agendas), making absolutely certain there is nothing enclosed that can be traced directly to you.

    His continued infidelity is really between him and his wife. You have taken care of your part with him by ditching the jerk, changing your numbers, etc. It's not necessary for you to confront his wife face to face (or voice to voice).

    I disagree with one aspect from many posters here. I am married. If my husband was cheating, yes, I would want to know. (Because I was lied to by someone I thought I had no reason not to trust implicitly and it wasn't until I stumbled across hard evidence much, much later that all the deception came to light. A lot of time and grief could have been saved had I known sooner.)

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  • 1 decade ago

    Well I think you should go see her and tell her but don't be vindictive about it be loving and caring. Then let both of you decide if either of you want to be with him. Because if he's been lying to you like this what else could he be lying about.

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  • Murphy
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Just don't say a word, and move on. It's not your place to tell.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Move on with your life. That's utterly pointless.

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