something I am working on. A poem.. please comment if you will?

Deceptively dancing, weeds on a hillside

Wind sweeping seeds, spreading them wide

Turbulent waters waiting far below

Clambering together, moving slow

leaves swirling colorful daylight is fading

shadows your face as smiles we’re trading

you trip .. and I stumble we fall to the ground

laughing hysterically, tumble and roll

whimsical dreams, a full moon above

sharing together our lives and our love

6 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    this is beautiful madame, two person madly in love with each other ,oblivious to things happening around them ,i guess cherishing the joy of being in presence of each other.

    i really like when people use nature as a setting and background to portray love ,the use of full moon,hillside ,leaves swirling in wind, gives it a different kind of aura and really creates beautiful and soothing image within the mind of us readers.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    The visual is very clear and I can picture the scene. However, by putting the main characters at the end it chops the poem into two, were I think you clearly mean them to be one.

    I see it like this;

    Colorful swirling leaves of grace

    dancing shadows on your face

    The smiles that we’re now trading

    Remain even as daylight is fading

    Deceptively, dancing weeds on a hillside

    Wind, sweeping seeds spreading them wide

    Turbulent waters far below

    Clambering together, moving slow

    you trip .. I stumble, we fall

    laughing hysterically, tumble and roll

    whimsical dreams, a full moon above

    sharing together our lives and our love

    • Login to reply the answers
  • rdappa
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I really enjoyed the first part of it. Somewhere, it changed feeling. It was heavy and beautiful at first, but changed unexpectedly to love. I believe there exists two poems here... the middle being "shadows..."

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    I like it a lot. Its very descriptive and flows well with a good rhythm. I can really visualize what the poem is portraying.=)

    • Login to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    I like it. Two lovers enjoying the day that tumbles to night.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Keep working on it.

    • Login to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.