Could I be a novelist?
I've been thinking about what to be when I'm older, and I think I might like to be a novelist. I have been told by teachers and friends that I have a gift for writing and I enjoy it. Your answers won't decide whether I will be one or not, but it's nice to have some unbiased feedback. :)
Please keep in mind four things while reading this:
1. I have an over-active imagination.
2. I woke up at 2 o'clock in the morning and randomly started writing this.
3. People say it seems like, through my vocabulary and what not, that I seem to try to hard. That's not true, I just sit down and write. This is the finished product of about fifteen minutes of random writing.
4. Feel free to stop and get bored.
"Trinity!" Cried a deep voice that echoed through the golden corridor. "I'm going to find you!"
A shock of panic and Trinity looked around wildly. She spotted a door that was hidden behind a desk who's operator had gone home for the night. Quickly she coaxed it open and flew into the room where another, longer desk that wrapped around an ornate chair greeted her. In a flurry of apprehension she lept overtop the desk and crawled into the small space beneath that was littered with wrappers and dust bunnies. She curled her stringy body into a taut curl and prayed they didn't suspect to glance beneath.
All was black, as it was night. She looked out of the fragmented, crystalline, walls that overlooked their great city and saw a distorted moon. A certain calmness stole over her and crooned her livid heart into slow, even palpitations. Light from the moon that hit the floor nearby was sliced into diamonds as it attempted to pass through the wall of molten glass unhindered. Stolid and calm as a glasseous pond, all seemed as though it's serenity were impermeable...
The door flew open and yelped with a an abrupt bang against the wall.
An indignant voice roared and ruptured the air like a page being ripped in half. Trinity's hand flew to her mouth to aid in suppressing a whimper as heavy footsteps grew steadily nearer. "TRINITY!"
There was a flood of angry murmurs when she did not reply. "Kids... always playin' about... no respect... none at all... gonna catch em' and show em' to master... I will..."
Fear of being discovered outweighed the laughter that tickled her throat. She remained silent. After a few moments of shuffling and unintelligable mutterings, the door closed more softly behind him. She didn't dare emerge for another ten minutes. Vaguely she remembered the room she found herself in but was not given the time to figure it out because the door burst open against and she started, half bent to hide again.
"Trinity..." Huffed Micheal. "You're alive..."
Rage poured over Trinity as if a pot of coffee had just been dumped on her head.
"You! You idiot!" She hissed through clenched teeth.
Darkened eyes blinked in perfectly feigned innocence. "Me? Idiot? Why?"
" 'I'm going exploring Trinity, don't follow me!' "
"How is it my fault? I told you not to follow me." He reasoned with a shrug.
Again the anger threatened to explode. "But you knew I would! You knew I had to! You knew..." She wrung her hands and strangled the air, pretending it was his white throat.
"Now, now. Don't get your panties in a twist." He jeered mildly. Trinity stepped forward and slapped him smartly across his pretty face.
"You, as the son of the Minister Aaron, will not be caught using such vulgar language and tones!" She chastized. The slap had not been at all hard, more playful than anything else. But Micheal still looked utterly stunned at the sudden physical rebuff and his dainty eyebrows clouded his eyes as he glared down at her through his long lashes.
"I will speak how I want. You're not my mother, Trinity." His nose pointed defiantly in the air. She rolled her eyes but apologized.
"Can we please return to the tower?" She queried tiredly. "I almost got caught by Mr. Drevnesh."
"I know, that's why I rushed, valiantly I might add, to your aid. But received nothing more than a cruel and ungrateful bludgeoning across the face!" Melodrama had always been a passion of his. Again Trinity rolled her eyes, grabbed his sleeve, and began back to Menfiel Tower.
- Raıny dazeLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
I'll toss out my two cents. Here's some editing things I noticed (written in the order I noticed them).
And yes, I'm being a picky prat.
"She spotted a door ... the night." Unnecessary information. Just say the desk was empty.
"Quickly, she coaxed..." Two of these words are, essentially, contradictory. 'She' is not one of them.
"longer desk that" Might be easier to say it curved around the chair (I think that's what you meant).
"flurry of apprehension" Once, more, rather contradictory.
"She curled her stringy body into a taut curl and prayed they didn't suspect to glance beneath." You repeat 'curl' here--not bad, but do try and seek a synonym. Also, "suspect to glance" sounds a bit longwinded. Maybe "think to look"?
"All was black, as it was night." This just sounds a bit... odd.
"A certain calmness" I think 'particular' might sound a bit better here.
"Light from the moon that hit the floor nearby was sliced into diamonds as it attempted to pass through the wall of molten glass unhindered. Stolid and calm as a glasseous pond, all seemed as though it's serenity were impermeable..."
That last bit is good, but the first sentence and beginning of the second sentence seems utterly orphaned and out of place. Break it up a bit, maybe add some 'soft' words to set up the 'silence'--ie. remove words like "molten", "sliced", "hit". Try 'reflected', 'bright/glowy'--you get the idea. Also, 'its', not "it's".
"like a page being ripped in half." Good try at a simile, but is a page being ripped in half really all that loud? Perhaps 'the shriek of a bird'? Or a page at least being 'torn' in half?
"Fear of being discovered outweighed the laughter that tickled her throat" Eh.
"Vaguely she ... bent to hide again." This is a bit lengthy. Try breaking it up?
"Rage poured over Trinity as if a pot of coffee had just been dumped on her head." Original. yes. Effective imagery, yes. Coherent? Not exactly. Maybe get rid of the coffee imagery? 'Rage seared down all of Trinity's being'?
"'You! You idiot!'" Use --, not ! ('You--you idiot!')
" 'I'm going exploring Trinity, don't follow me!' " As this is a short story, and we have little context, I'd suggest you add something like "she mocked" or "she parroted" at the end.
"She wrung her hands and strangled the air, pretending it was his white throat." Could be a bit better. 'She strangled the air, envisioning his pale neck between her hands'.
"dainty eyebrows clouded his eyes as he glared down at her through his long lashes." There can only be one. Eyelashes or eyebrows. Too much imagery makes the brain hurt.
"I know, that's why I rushed, valiantly I might add, to your aid. But received nothing more than a cruel and ungrateful bludgeoning across the face!"
Melodrama? Commas aren't all that dramatic Try some dashes, so gasps and 'ah's, some emotion! Such as: "'I know. That's why I rushed--valiantly, I might add--to your aid. And what--what?!--was I greeted by?' He raised a dainty brow at her. 'Not thanks. No 'thank you's for Michael, oh no. I get a /slap/ to the face. A cruel and unwarranted, assault!'"
Or, you know, something like that xD
LESS IS MORE. Seriously
ADJECTIVES are not going extinct. Not everything needs a descriptor, and sometimes it's just fine to leave stuff to the reader's imagination.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
You use 'she' quite a lot. Trinity could easily have been 'the girl' at points.
Also, read George Orwell's "Politics and the English Language". It's quite useful for aspiring and experienced writers alike.
THAT BEING SAID, this isn't all that bad. You can definitely improve--for a fifteen-odd minute piece, there's a decent idea of plot, and a good look at Michael's character, at least. Your friends are correct not in that you 'try to hard', but that you try to say too much at times. The problem with being full of words is that sometimes they just bubble out. That's what editing is for. And contrary to number four on your list, this wasn't very boring. Admittedly, reading and editing at the same time isn't all that fun, but this does have some good suspense and character interaction.
As a side note--I had a brutally honest teacher for English last year. Although it wasn't always easy, my writing certainly improved from it. Your friends are just saying that to bug you or annoy you--take their comments and critiques alike, review your work, and make some changes. The more drafts, the better (usually).
Holy crap that 'review' ended up long o.o