Do you remember me? would you like to read this poem and comment on it?

Question

Do you think me impertinent, rude or naive?

As I toss my head high and laugh at the world

Would you pick up my coat kindly ask me to leave

My laughter in slivers spreads over your sleeve

As my words as a liqueur in random are swirled

Do you think me impertinent, rude or naïve?

I am hesitating you get your reprieve

As on my bare toes I got up and I twirled

Would you pick up my coat kindly ask me to leave

Small steps to the doorway I whimsically weave

You lounge in the corner so comfortably curled

Do you think me impertinent, rude or naïve?

In my dreams I supposed I could make you believe

But now I wonder ... and my vision grows blurred

Do you think me impertinent, rude or naïve?

Would you pick up my coat kindly ask me to leave

Update:

You guys are a very special bunch of people that is why I keep coming back here to YAP ... I miss you's

Answer 1

Favorite Answer

I don't know how I missed this when it was first posted (several days ago now). Of course I remember you and would suggest that your coat rests firmly on the peg. I'll not be handing it to you. Nice write here as I have come to expect from you

Answer 2

No, I don't remember you.

Yes, I decided that I would like to read your poem, and I'm so glad that I did!

The rhyme scheme is fascinating; the rhythm is fun; the repetition of lines is courageous and beautifully effective.

One suggestion: second stanza, line two--find a way to stay in present tense. I'm confident you can do it. The shift to past tense is distracting.

One more suggestion: Do something about the Would you... lines so that they're not run-on sentences.

The grammatically correct way would be this:

Would you pick up my coat; kindly ask me to leave?

If you used the above punctuation, however, every stanza would end with a question mark, and your poem would look different on the page. If I were you, I'd try it and see.

It's a great poem; by all means, don't stop writing! :)

Answer 3

there is not any longer something like a honeymoon stretched for all times time. an afternoon like this, after some years of marriage, is a demonstration of mutual love, the place the (actual) cherry is on the (emotional) wedding ceremony cake. whilst physique language is in fee, its effect is magical. that's what this Villanelle tells me. and that's real. actually an relaxing examine from a golden pen.

Answer 4

To answer Your question with 1 word,NO! I would gladly ask for Your coat,and hang it up! Then without any hesitation, ask You what You would like to drink!! Then we would talk,and laugh,and curl up our toes by the crackling fire down below!! Very touching write,I like it immensely!!

Answer 5

Very interesting, carefully written piece!

It flows smoothly, and the question echos the crux in perspective.

Answer 6

Remember you, we just talked a couple of days ago! Of course I remember you. A vivid picture painted in villanelle form... fear not the forms, you handle them well.

Answer 7

My laughter in slivers spreads over your sleeve...

Ah poetry. You are truly gifted, madam.

Answer 8

Georgian temperatures have risen

Answer 9

This is beautiful. It dances.

I'd take your coat, and make some tea.

Answer 10

Of course I remember you. You, and your writing, are unforgettable, in a wonderful way. I like your poem and enjoyed reading it. I also enjoy reading all your comments. Thanks for sharing.

Source(s): your friend, shirley