How do I get my girlfriend to relax and just let me be myself?
I'll preface this question. In the past I've often ended up with girlfriends who are always nagging me to do this or that, or to not do this or that. I'm 34 years old and I've been in a number of relationships, with the longest being 9 years and the shortest "serious" relationship being 6 months. (Dont ask).
I know, I know, girlfriends are often born to nag. Usually the nagging and pestering has to do with me hanging out with my buddies. It often annoys me when I want to have a few beers in the backyard with my buddies and my girlfriend will then abruptly want to leave, saying "your drinking so I'm leaving". I'd much rather if she hung out with me and my buddies.
I know what you may be thinking at this point- but thats not the case. Sure I'll get plastered some times like the next guy but having a few beers in the backyard doesnt always, or regularly, lead to me getting hammered saying stupid things or making a jerk out of myself - and never does when my girlfriend is around.
Its not always over beers in the backyard either. It could be about how I spend my money, or what I spend my money on, or in what order I spend my money. It could be about my career, my job, even my clothes.
Regardless, I often get women trying to change me into someone else. The same girl who met me and was drinking 151 rum with me the night we met started raging at me for drinking a single cider on a thursday afternoon and started a tirade about my drinking. My ex-fiancee would blast me for wearing regular T-shirts instead of fitted ones, citing that a lot of guys wear fitted T-shirts. A girl who loved the fact that I was a high ranking paintball player would then despise the very mention of the game later and become annoyed when me and my buddies would even mention the game.
Obviously, I can't control anyone else's behavior, I can only control my own.
However I have to say I'm getting really sick and frickin' tired of women pulling the "bait-and-switch". Everything is all good for the first 3-5 months and I can be myself, then the nagging machine starts up.
My current girlfriend would drag me over to her house and buy a boatload of liquor to play poker for shots. Now if I have a couple beers on a day off she gets all pissy and now demands that I dont drink in front of her. We dont live together, but when she spends 36 hours straight with me on my days off, I'm probably eventually going to want to enjoy the sunny weather and have a couple of drinks while she sleeps the day away in bed.
My current girlfriend also gets pissy when I dont give her money - which she seems to always be asking for. A hundred here, two hundred there, thirty there, then comes back two hours later asking for five bucks more. If I dont give her the money then she's pissed off that I have the money and she needs it.
To be honest, with the last two, I think the "problems" with my drinking was merely that I was spending the money on myself rather than them. The current one gambles and has on occasion blown over a grand on holdem poker, usually only a hundred or two at a time. Compared to that kind of a vice, ten or twenty bucks on beer or rum for a night's entertainment is a steal.
In a way I want to just say, "Im going to do what I want and if you dont like it tough s.hit", but we all know where that leads, a bit more tact is required. I'm just tired of constantly hearing the nagging about this or that from girls trying to change me.
I'm a good boyfriend. I will do my girl's laundry if I feel like it. Wash her dishses at her house, cook her dinner at her house or mine. Take her out for food, breakfast, lunch or dinner. Give her cash, I bought her a $900 diamond cluster promise ring for our six month anniversary. Often I drop whatever I'm doing to spend time with her. In bed I usually last 45-75 minutes, she likes me in that department enough that she's wanted to record it on video on her digital camera, a first for her, when she watches it she gets rather randy. I have never yelled at her, threatened her or scared her. I let her go out with her guy friends, to movies or for dinner. I've gotten jealous a couple of times but its not a regular occurrence. I spend more time with my girlfriend than all my friends combined.
So I have to put my foot down, the nagging has to stop, I'm almost at the point where I'm gonna say screw it and just stay single for the rest of my life.. I figured that if I didnt live with my girlfriend then I wouldnt have to put up with the constant requests for change (in the past 12 years I've lived with girlfriends for 10 of them - four different girls) but even that doesnt seem to put an end to it.
And on a sideline, any ladies reading this... if you've nagged and tried to change a man, what was your rationale for doing it and wh
the supplemental for the ladies that got cut off above;
ladies if you've ever tried changing a man or placing restrictions on his behavior or hobbies, what was your rationale for feeling justified in telling him what he should could or should or can't do?
Thanks Melissa, I will definitely get her that book. Whether she chooses to read it or not is up to her, but with a title like that I am betting she'll be really tempted. She doesnt really enjoy reading books very much so I'll keep my fingers crossed. Thanks for the answer.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think every woman "naggs" to some extent, but most dont realize how much. The thing that changed in me, and how I started accepting my husband instead of nagging at him to do this or that is a book called 'Secrets about men, every woman should know" by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.
There is a Chapter on Nagging and how to stop and why and how it drives men away... I really cannot recommend this book highly enough. It has changed the way I look at my husband. I see a competent man instead of a blundering little boy.
She probly thinks she is helping you and not nagging. She says to herself "if he would just listen to me, he could be so amazing...." the truth is, women will never be completely satisfied with a man unless she learns to accept EVERYTHING about him. even the flaws.
Also, I would have a talk with your girlfriend. Just let her know that she picked you, knowing that this was the way you were, and if she had a problem with that, then she shouldn't have picked you at all. Also, let her know that when she tells you what to do, it is disrespectful and it makes you feel like all the good things you do dont matter anymore because of the few bad things. Tell her about how you would really enjoy it if you two could sit outside and drink together sometimes. Tell her whatever is on your mind, but do NOT mention the word "nagging" or she will most likely flip out on you.
- MeghzLv 41 decade ago
Unfortunately you can't make her do anything. Just like she can't make you.
A lot of women seem to think they will be a river and you can be a rock and over time they'll shape you into whatever they want. A lot of men either notice it and are fine with it or don't even notice it at all.
I can see where you drinking often, even if you don't get drunk, is irritating. But the fitted t-shirt thing is ridiculous. The asking for money is ridiculous. What you have to do is pick better women. Or if you are insistant on keeping this one around, start mentioning how she use to be in the beginning. But not in a "dude, you've changed" way. In a "Hey honey, remember when we went here, drank this, then did that? That was fun."
I nag when something's wrong. Like if I'm feeling neglected, I'll get on my boyfriend about doing something special with just me. I use to plead an ex to never wear this certain shirt of his because not only was it ugly, the shape of it was also completely unflattering on him (I wound up hiding it behind the couch). I would nag about taking the trash out because that was his chore (Like dishes were mine) but if I didn't tell him 20 times to do it, it would sit there for 2 weeks and start stinking up the apartment. And if he wasn't going to ever wash the dishes, then I was never going to take the trash out. Stuff like that.
I believe in finding someone you don't want to (Or don't have to) change. I do want to change his habits about leaving dishes at the computer desk instead of at least putting them in the sink, but I don't want to change HIM. Completely different.