Brooke
Lv 5
Brooke asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Is this a good start to my book?

I just finished writing my book, and this is the final edited draft of my first chapter. Only the first few paragraphs, but I wanted to know if it's a good start, or if it was boring. Any opinions are welcome as well as criticism. Thanks! P.S. The paragraphs are separated but Yahoo doesn't keep them that way :)

"You have got to be kidding me," I murmured, throwing one arm up to my face to cover my eyes from the blazing morning sun that shone in through my window. I kicked at the heavy black comforter tangled in my legs in a desperate attempt to reach my window and yank the blinds down, but only tangled them more.

I kicked harder and finally untangled myself. I threw my hands up in annoyance, swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood, stretching my arms over my head.

I glanced at my alarm clock sitting on the nightstand beside my bed; 7:53am.

With a sigh, I walked over to my window. I could see that it was a beautiful day, as if the blazing sun wasn't enough of a clue before. The blue sky above was dotted with white puffs of clouds, a tiny breeze moving them slowly, pushing them across the sky like tiny ships in water.

I shifted my gaze to my favorite place to retreat when I needed to think: the shores. The shores consisted of a large mountainside cliff overlooking the ocean; a tiny strip of beach rested below the cliff, dotted with large rocks. The waves crashed against the shores while behind the mountainside, a rolling meadow of tall golden grass ran on for miles, swaying in the wind.

I could never explain why I loved hanging out at the shores. I guess I always felt drawn to it, like it was my home. My aunt hated that I was always there, claiming someday in the future a huge wave would catch me while I was sitting on the end and carry me out to sea. I always ignored her. Sometimes she can be to overprotective.

I yawned, rubbed at my tired eyes and turned on my heel, heading for the bathroom adjacent to my room. I paused before reaching my mirror and removed my blue shorts sleep set. I knew what to expect when I stepped in front of the mirror. The same thing that has been happening for the past two weeks, when I turned 18.

I grabbed an elastic off of the shelf behind my door and pulled my hair into a ponytail. Taking a deep breath I stepped in front of the mirror and gazed at the fresh set of red cuts running down my neck. It was always in the same place; the right side of my neck, underneath my ear.

Update:

No ... this is nothing about vampires. I despise vampires. This is an original story.

6 Answers

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    This is a final edited draft? I beg to differ.

    I'm going to be honest straight off and say that I found it boring. Of course, I'm not everyone, and others will surely find it more intriguing than I do. However, this definitely needs to be edited again a time or two.

    That beginning has been done a million times. I've used "blazing morning sun" myself a few times just to get a story started, but I always go back and change it. Not only that, but you've done a good bit of "I did this. I did that," in the first couple of paragraphs, so it's best to drop that anyway. For me, the story could start at the window, where she's noting that it's a beautiful day and looking at the shores.

    You tend to get repetitive. In two lines, you used "tangled" three times, and later "tiny" is used three times in two paragraphs. You also used "blazing sun" twice. While you shouldn't cough up thesaurus pages into your writing, they are useful when you can't think of another word. Just be sure you only use the word that feels right, not the most obscure one.

    Your comma usage is a bit off. For example, this sentence, "Taking a deep breath I stepped in front of the mirror..." should be "Taking a deep breath, I stepped in front of the mirror...." Also, "The waves crashed against the shores while behind the mountainside, a rolling meadow..." would be more fluid if the comma was removed. (Although that sentence would actually be better if you just rewrote it.)

    The paragraph that begins with "I could never explain why I loved hanging out at the shores," is cliche and doesn't belong where you've put it. Rewrite it and put it somewhere else, perhaps at a place where she is actually going out to the shores.

    Some of your sentences are wonky and/or overused. For example, "The same thing has been happening for the past two weeks, when I turned 18," is not only used everyday in fanfiction and amateur writing, it is also written strangely ("when" should be "since," for one).

    I'll give you this: I am mildly intrigued as to what is causing the scratches on the side of her neck. Not intrigued enough, however, to continue reading more than a page or two.

    If you don't hate me yet, feel free to message me with questions...or angry tirades about my criticism, if you do hate me. Both will bring me pleasure. X3

  • 5 years ago

    Hey Book Club Starters! Did you find good books yet? I can suggest some classics (because in classics you really don't have an age limit). In science fiction I would start out with Orson Scott Card's "Ender's Game". It is great to read and has tons to talk about: ethics, children, exploitation, control, etc. Some of the best adventure novels were written by Louis L'Amour, start with "The Lonesome Gods" or "The Walking Drum", again lots to discuss about at the end. The very first western ever written is "The Virginian" by Owen Wister...awe-inspiring and beautifully written, even people who hate westerns like this one. I don't know any military books. Irene

  • 1 decade ago

    That is really good. Like amazing! You really described everything perfectly and vividly enough for me to feel like I was there but without over doing it. I really want to know what the title is and if you are going to be publishing it. I don't know how you could tell me other than picking this as the best answer and writing a comment but anyway there you go.

    Source(s): me
  • 1 decade ago

    I absolutely love it and I totally agree with you on the whole vampire thing (I despise them as well). Everything looks grammatically correct and your visionary skills are amazing. Leaving it off the way you did makes me want to read more and that my friend is definitely a good thing. A Very Good Thing. If you have the time please post more extracts from your story,I would definitely like to read more and find out more about your character.

    Could You Please Answer Mine? I could definitely use your help :(

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Akxrs...

    Source(s): Me :)
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  • 1 decade ago

    Very good! It's intriguing and it leaves one wanting to know more! Anyway I can see the draft one day?

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    your not seriously writing a vampire story... You cant copy twilight, its written already. come back with something original.

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