comments on short poem please?
I saw god in the back of that dark alleyway
she was wearing ripped jeans and a plaid shirt
I saw her crying and wiping her tired old eyes
when she noticed me she told me not to worry
but for some reason I still did
Now ten years later I’m in the middle of a desert
lost and confused in my own awareness, I’ve
been trying to find her, it’s been so long,
a bird with golden feathers watching me
from behind as I call her name over and over again
the desert sun scorching my face, and my eyes
blinded by the running sand, I wander
finally hearing her laughter, carried by the wind
I start laughing as well, and she sees me
we both smile and embrace each other
we stare at the stars for a while
and then it was time for her to leave
she told me once again not to worry
and this time I believed her as I watched
her disappear with the midnight breeze
- ThomasLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
Good, nice imagery and tone. The tone does a nice job stanza-stanza, changing with the emotion.
I'm not sure about "the golden bird" tho, if it is a symbol i may be misinterpreting it, but the only birds in the desert are vultures usually, and to be golden means it's a blessing of sorts, vulture represent death...was this intended? If it was nicely done =\
check mine, it's a cheesy love poem/nearly sonnet =)
- RosalindaLv 71 decade ago
Hi. Very vivid, straight emotions from the heart, i love the detail and how you nicely blended in the things of nature with God, you made a point and i respect your writing. good job. You are bless with a great talent.Source(s): My thoughts.
- 1 decade ago
good but make god a guy.