What do you think of this? (not very long)?

This is what I have of my third chapter so far. Tell me what you think. Also it hasn't been edited so please forgive any mistakes. Thanks BB :)

Noise in her room woke Emma up the next morning. "Hey sleepyhead, we thought you were going to sleep all day," Emma heard her friend Clarise say as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Pushing herself up, Emma saw that not only was Clarise there but also Todd and Evan. Smiling she felt happier than she had in days, because of her treatment and illness she was often unable to see her friends for days at a time, and was almost never allowed out of the hospital. Emma pulled her blankets back, got up and headed to the bathroom. She stumbled a bit at first, but managed to make it there without falling, and her friends knew her well enough at this point to not offer to help her. Heading to the sink she turned on the taps and splashed cold water on her face. Feeling the icy coolness of the water Emma sighed in relief. The dull throbbing in her head felt better. Quickly undressing and stepping in the shower, Emma hurried so she wouldn't make her friends wait long.

Stepping out of the shower, Emma dried herself off, and reached for the bag of new clothes her dad had brought with him on his visit yesterday. She only vaguely remembered his visit, but being foggy on details was nothing new to her. Selecting a dark red v-neck and a denim blue skirt, Emma put them on. Flipping her long hair out from her shirt she grabbed her brush and drier from where they rested on the bathroom sink and brushed and dried her hair till it gleamed.

As Emma went back into her room and saw that Clarise and Evan had made themselves comfy on her bed, while Todd played a handheld game on the beanbag chair in the corner of her room. She grabbed the slippers all the patients had to wear from near the door and put them on. She then told her friends to meet her in the cafeteria, as she had a quick errand to do.

Walking down the hospital halls Emma could only feel a sense of home. She had once had a beautiful home in the city with large domed ceilings and large victorian windows. A very classy modern house. But when she was diagnosed with her disorder a the age of 10, Emma had pretty much lived in the hospital. At first she had tried to continue living the normal life she had, but when she started having more and more frequent bouts. She could see the strain and the pain it caused her parents each time she had an episode, and each time they had to leave her at the hospital.

3 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hi there. Thanks for taking time to answer my question. I hope I can repay the favour.

    OK so since you're not interested in spelling or grammar at the moment, I've focused all of my attention on the overall story itself.

    I liked it. The premise was nice and it left me feeling very interested. I am curious to know what is Emma's disorder exactly. Is she Bipolar or something? I felt she was realistically portrayed as well as her friends; they all seem like regular teenagers and the dialogue wasn't off either.

    I suggest though adding some more details perhaps, specifically thoughts rather than noting actions such as "she did this/she walked/she thought" if you get the idea. For example, this part:

    **Quickly undressing and stepping in the shower, Emma hurried so she wouldn't make her friends wait long.

    Stepping out of the shower, Emma dried herself off, and reached for the bag of new clothes her dad had brought with him on his visit yesterday.**

    I felt like it sounded a bit redundant and I got this impression that you were just trying to make filler. You already stated that Emma stepped into the shower and hurried up. Then in the next line you mention she gets out. I feel like you could mention that differently. For example, it could be written in the part where you mention she steps into the shower you could mention her thoughts about something.

    **Quickly undressing and stepping in the shower, Emma hurried so she wouldn't make her friends wait long. But as she shampooed and soaped herself her mind couldn't help but wander.

    She considered herself lucky really. Her friends were wonderful and perfect. Who could ask for more than friends who would still stand by the side of Emma the Insane? They were always there for her and did nothing but help her out each and every time.

    With the contents of her conditioner finally rinsed out of her hair, Emma stepped gingerly out of the shower and began to get dressed...etc.etc.etc.**

    I know my dialogue sounds very crappy right now but I hope you just get the gist of what I mean. I'm sure you could write it better, but the overall message is try and make your story flow more. By adding her thoughts you could even help the reader get more attached to her or see a different side of her while also stretching out the scene a bit to make it flow more naturally.

    Am I making sense? I hope you get me.

    Happy Writing!

    Source(s): To anyone else, answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhRh9...
  • belsky
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    It unquestionably relies upon on the variety of question. some that are tediously stressful or trite, OR hateful rants OR whilst each and every observe is misspelled (lyke omg so mi bff and me an my BF have been lyke all goin out an idk lyke omg .....) you be attentive to, those style LOL. I pass those. yet i do no longer suggestions examining with the aid of a very long Q despite if it extremely is respectable or exciting. many of the Q's i answer anymore are actually not long despite if. yet short, humorous, and to the factor. xD ?

  • 1 decade ago

    i like it. it doesn't need to be changed much. the only thing (and i know you said you weren't worried about it yet) is that you need to fix spelling mistakes. other than that it is good.

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