PLZ ANSWER......Is my writing good?

It's not that much

Katie Benton was 12 years old when something devastating yet exciting happened.

She was at her friend Mariah’s house, they were painting their nails, giggling, doing all that girly stuff. “I’ll be right back, don’t go running off.” Mariah said. Mariah got off of her bed and left the room. Just when she left Katie heard a voice say “Katie, I need you.” Katie shivered slightly “What- who are you?” she whispered to the faint voice. Suddenly a light appeared and a woman with beautiful long red hair, with uniquely purple eyes and ivory skin with freckles and was wearing a light blue dress and white sandals. “Again, who are you?” Katie said stuttering a bit “And where are you from?” The woman gave her a small smile.

“Do not fret, I am Aliana. I am I hoping you can help me, you see where I live, is completely different from your world,” she paused and sighed, her velvet voice continued “there are good and bad people in your world, same with the world I come from. The thing is you were born in Midera, but you were misplaced there because you didn’t have a special birthmark like us, no offense. So we sent you to your so called ‘mom’ who gave birth to another baby who died at birth and was given you that thanks to your god, looked a lot like your ‘parents’, now I know this is hard to understand but I will be back soon to tell you more. Try to keep calm, hon.” She gave Katie a quick hug and disappeared. Then Mariah came back in the room and said “Sorry I took so long. Hey, you look kind of pale. You okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine Mariah.” but on the inside she wasn’t.

“My mom said that we can watch a flick but then we should hit the sack.” At the word mom Katie sighed so small so only she could hear. The girls went downstairs and got ‘Matilda’. After going upstairs going in Mariah’s room putting the DVD in, Katie getting in her sleeping bag, and Mariah on her bed, the movie began ….

Katie woke up seeing the bright morning rays filtering through the window. It was 5:00 in the morning. She was an early riser. Everyone else was asleep. After rubbing her eyes, Katie saw the bright light appear and then Aliana came. Today she was wearing a white blouse, black skirt, white leggings and black Uggs. “Whoa. I thought you said you were from a different place.” Katie said putting her palm to her face. She was still a bit scared but tried to hide it.

“ I am and you are too but still I need to wear human type clothes so I can blend in-”

Katie stopped her “But I thought I could only see you.”

“There are some people who can see me, that aren’t one of us, though it’s very uncommon. Now that’s off subject, the thing is what I wanted to tell you yesterday is you have to come back.” Katie stopped smiling and started to frown.

“But, I have friends and ‘family’ are here. I mean you seem like a wonderful person but how can you take me from my life. I mean it’s a bit late. Why do they want me?”

Aliana sighed “Katie, you have a special power. Like us Miderians. It’s really not safe to keep you here, unprotected by bad people.”

“What do you mean people here are bad? I know that there are sick people in this world but so far everything here is great. Oh and what’s my power?” Katie replied a small tear falling down her face.

Aliana handed her a tissue. “I know how you feel, this happened to my sister when she was 9. She disappeared into Earth because of an unknown stranger. My family hasn’t seen her since. I was 3 at the time. But you need to come.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, how old are you?”

“15, in our world we grow up to 8 feet. So I’m at a pretty normal height. Don’t tell anyone.”

“But I have to. What will they think?” Katie said starting to cry a bit bigger.

After Aliana consoled her she replied “You have to go tonight. They may worry. But you have the ability to mentally and physically heal others.”

Katie gaped. “Okay but gosh, if something bad happens it’s your fault.” She smiled a little.

“Meet me tonight, 5:45 or 7:00 pm in your room.” And with that, Aliana left. It was 7:38 now in the morning. How would Katie cope?

“Wake up!” Katie whispered in Mariah’s ear.

“Okay, okay, I was just having the best dream about Matthew.” Matthew was one of the popular boys in the 6th grade.

"Ma- ri- ah! You got to wake up." Katie sing songed a little more louder than she was supposed to. Mariah got up and out of her bed. After the girls taking showers, and getting dressed. Mariah decided to wear a blue Hollister T-shirt, and jeans. She put her short brown hair into a ponytai and instead of her normal contacts she put on her almost never used light blue glasses. Katie put on her clothes she packed from her sleeping bag (a T-shirt with the quote 'Smart cookie',and white pants), she put her long black hair into a messy bun.

The girls headed downstairs and got their favorite cereal (Cheerios with sprinkles and for Mariah Fruit Loops) . The

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You have a lot of places to improve. Your sentance structures aren't too good, and sometimes you have very long sentances without punctuation, which makes people skim. Bland description is another thing, as is dialogue. Make them sound like 12 year old girls. Make the girl sound panicky and frightened when a random lady poofs into her friends house. Dialogue isn't done right either, your punctuation in that need work(don't worry I had that too...It's kind of annoying hahah)

    Don't get put down by what I'm telling you, okay? You don't suck, you aren't bad at writing, you just maybe don't have the experience yet. I took classes to help me, and boy, did it ever improve my writing. You aren't the worst writer I've seen(believe me). So just get some experience in, some grammar fixes, and maybe work on descriptions and sentances, and your set! Happy Writing!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It really wasn't very good. I would say it's average or slightly below. But you can definitely improve! You punctuate the dialogue incorrectly but you can learn how. You also use way too many bland adjective and adverbs. Also, you need to build up more tension at the beginning. It happens to fast. Good luck!

    Answer mine?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aqi6U...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
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