Can someone please look this over for me!!!?

This is a short story that I'm really focusing on right now. I would really appreciate any constructive criticism.

She walked down the streets doing her best to ignore the stares directed her way. The only person she would go through this for was Jasmine. She had called an hour ago all upset because her latest boyfriend had run off with another guy. Pulling up the hood of her sweater she reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out her ipod. Asa put the earbuds in her ears and cranked up the volume doing her best to ignore everything around her as she walked to Jasmine's house.

A commotion a block down drew her attention. A crowd of people were gathered in front of a fancy hotel and a limo was pulled up in front of it. Hating crowds but seeing there was no way to avoid it she started towards the crowd. Hoping to god that everyone would just ignore her and focus on whatever celebrity was getting out of the car.

Waiting on the outskirts of the crowd Asa craned her neck to try to figure out a way out of and around the crowd. Luckily this seemed to be an unplanned event so there wasn't much in the way of security. She started to push her way through the crowd the people around her giving her dirty looks and a few even jabbing her in the ribs. Grimacing she focused on getting out of there, her mind repeating one thing 'Get out, get out, get out.'

As she neared the middle of the crowd it suddenly shifted towards the limousine taking her with it. She frantically tried to resist the crowds pull but was rewarded by being knocked down. Hundreds of legs and feet battered her as she curled into a ball trying to protect herself.

Large hands startled her as she was suddenly lifted and thrown over a large muscular shoulder. The people around her screamed and pushed against the person's muscular body but the man seemed to have no trouble wading through the crowd.

Finally reaching the limousine, the man opened the door, threw her in and scramble in himself, slamming the door behind him. Crawling away from the man, Asa sat on one of the seats opposite him and started to push her hair back into her hood all the while keeping her head lowered so as to hide her eyes. Hearing the click of the door being opened, Asa scrambled further into the limo as bodies suddenly crushed her as they hurried into the limo.

Scrunching herself into the smallest ball she could Asa kept checking her hair was covered while still keeping her eyes lowered. Her music blaring loudly in the quieter car. She reached into the pocket of her sweater and turned off her ipod, pulling the ear buds from her ears as the limo started to move.

A sudden question directed her way startled her. " Are you okay?" the owner of the voice had a cockiness and fakeness to it, that immediately made her go on the defencive. She had met only one person in her life with that amount of cockiness.

"I wouldn't be him, right? God wouldn't be so cruel to her." Afraid to look up and confirm her worst nightmare. Asa let the silence stretch out. Finally mumbling a "I'm fine." When she feared the silence would prompt him to get closer to her.

She felt very nervous in the limousine, beads of sweat ran down the back of her neck and her foot involuntarily kept jiggling with her nerves. Her hand unconsciously kept her hood pulled as low over her head as possible, her eyes focused on her knees. The silence in the car wasdeafeningg, she really just wanted out. Mustering up the courage she mumbled, "Can you let me off at the next block?"

"Sorry, I've got to go to location for aphoto-shoott and can't be late, beside I really think you should go to the hospital and get checked over. The limo will drive you there after.

"But I've got something VERY important to do." As the words left her mouth, her phone range, reaching into her backpack, Asa grabbed her phone and checked the ID. It was Jasmine again. Pressing the talk button Asa put the phone to her ear.

"**** girl, where are you?" How can you leave your one and only true friend hanging in a crisis?"

Holding the phone away from her ear, Asdesperatelyly tried to shush her loud friend. All the eyes in the car were focused on her and it made her nervous.

"Jase, I got to go now, I'll be there ASAP. K?"

2 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
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    A rather confusing account.

    What are you trying to impart to the reader?

    What is the purpose of this narration?

    Her friend’s boyfriend is gay?

    Why are people staring at her?

    We have here a dangling modifier. "Pulling up the hood of her sweater she reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out her ipod."

    (This means in order to reach into her jeans pocket she had to first pull her sweater hood up)

    The sentence would make sense thus - She pulled up the hood of her sweater, reached into her jeans pocket and…

    A LIMO STOOD OUTSIDE A FANCY HOTEL AND A CROWD OF PEOPLE HAD GATHERED THERE. This makes more sense.

    Why didn’t she cross the street, which would have been the logical thing to do?

    Your description is confusing and your prose is flowery. You repeat adjectives.

    Large hands startled her (?) as she was (suddenly) lifted and thrown over a (large) (muscular) shoulder. The people around her screamed and pushed against the person's (muscular) body but the man seemed to have no trouble wading through the crowd.

    Okay, so I've burst your bubble, I didn't do it for fun.

    As you want to write, then you must learn to do it better. Your punctuation is okay - in my eyes - but there are certain rules you must follow.

    Go to this blog-site, it's for beginner authors:

    http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/

    Source(s): I write fiction
  • 4 years ago

    Human nature could make you prefer to look. Kinda like once you're using down the line and you spot a ineffective animal on the line, no count how lots you tell your self "do no longer look" basically once you get upon it you look.

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