Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 10 years ago

Should things be discussed with the spouse or the children first?

Husband tends to inform me about things AFTER the fact.

15 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    My husband's ex treats their 14 yo as her friend, and talks to her about everything, whereas she doesn't talk to my husband at all. It's unbelievable to me, and when I came on the scene about four years ago, I refused to participate. I insist on speaking among the adults, as MY ex and I do. We decide, then tell our kids how things will be. I'm sure this situation is a result of my husband's actions and poor communication with his ex-wife, but I think it's unhealthy. When she decided that custody wasn't working out, she told the 14 yo before their dad that she was taking the kids out of our home. It's hard to clear up something like that, when the kids expectations have been set, which I'm sure is part of her scheme. I think it's a disaster.

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  • 10 years ago

    Like most things this really has to do with the nature of the situation.

    For instance asking the kids first if they want to go to Disney World and then asking you if it is in the budget just sets you up for being the bad guy.

    Now if you catch your kid having sex then naturally you will discuss that with them and then fill in the spouse.

    As a general rule though parents are supposed to parent together and this works best when things are discussed with spouses before the children.

    It is very embarrassing/degrading to be told by your child that you are heading for divorce, or at least that is what the ex says.

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  • 10 years ago

    I had a hard time with this...I had to get biblical answers, and from what I have read and understand, the spouse comes first in all areas in the family, then the children...then the outside members of family. God, then spouse, then children....then others.

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  • CDT
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    In general, i would say to discuss it with your spouse first.

    But there are exceptions. If your 16 year old daughter goes to her father and asks to go to the mall with 6-7 of her friends, he shouldn't need to discuss it with his wife first. He should be able to say "yes" or "no" without big bad momma giving the go ahead over his shoulder...he's a parent, he's fully capable of giving his children permission to do these things. The same can be said vice versa.

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  • 10 years ago

    Whichever thing is most relevant may be discussed with your spouse first and the rest can be discussed with the children.

    Source(s): experience.
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  • 10 years ago

    That depends. I mean if he wants to make a decision to take them to the park and he discusses that with them first and then tells me after the fact then I don't really need to know ahead of time.

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  • mmm
    Lv 7
    10 years ago

    I would normally say the spouse but when the children are asking all kinds of questions and he is responding and realizes he just got himself into a sticky situation ...open mouth insert foot... it happens - but if it's happening constantly . . .

    we have learned over the years that we need to talk to each other and we usually call each other and say hey, anything going on? before we say yes or no to any of their requests . . .

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  • 10 years ago

    In general terms, i would say the spouse. But occasionally that may not be an option.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    When you say children we make a distinction between a true child and a adult-child.

    If it's about his 19yo it should predominantly be between him and his son but what it is about matters - if it affects you then you should be part of the discussion.

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Doesn't it depend on what the things are and the age of the children?

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