cassie58 asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

Is it ok to rhyme without a set pattern? Care to comment or critique?

For twenty five years in her hall

I've given nothing but my all.

Of course I've served her very well,

I've seen it all but wouldn't tell.

But now she doesn't notice me

and walks on by without a glance.

Since she stopped work I'm not required,

It's hard to know you're not desired.

I wish she'd give another chance.

I told the truth, I was the best

and never once considered rest.

I slaved for her both night and day

I did it all without the pay.

I've washed my face and hands of her,

she doesn't seem to hear my chime.

She doesn't want to know the time.

Update:

Neonman: You got it - a title would have been a giveaway

Update 2:

Sorry - this was a bit cryptic but if I'd given it a title it would have been a giveaway. My intention was to lead you to the end before the clues. Some of you thought I was referring to a child, that's ok - I've got one like that too.

Ian: Look at all your TU's when you are being helpful. Thanks old boy

Update 3:

Thanks to all of you for calling, much appreciated

19 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Pangs of a Clock...Tsk Tsk Tsk!!!

    Know what, dear? The wall clock in my bedroom is broken...and weird as it may sound, I really am not missing it! My body clock works quite well, and I get up around the same time every morning! To think that there was a time not so long ago when the only time I removed my wrist watch was while taking bath...So bound was I to time...marching only to its order!

    Even so, why not look at it every now & then...lovingly...25 is a lifetime, afterall :)) She must be Special...unlike these flighty young ones!

  • 9 years ago

    For twenty-five years in her hall

    I've given nothing but my all.

    I've served my mistress very well,

    I've seen it all but wouldn't tell.

    But now she doesn't notice me,

    it's almost like she cannot see.

    She passes me without a glance,

    as if she's deeply in a trance.

    Since she stopped work I'm not required,

    it seems I've also been retired.

    I told the truth, I was the best

    and never once considered rest.

    I worked for her both night and day,

    I did my duty without pay.

    I've washed my face and hands of her,

    each day now passes in a blur.

    She doesn't seem to hear my chime,

    she never wants to know the time.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It's always good to experiment, whether the end result is a success is more of a mystery. . .

    I was thinking "forced rhyme" on the last two lines but then I worked it out!

    The only dodgy transition I thought was after the line ending with "chance" it sounded a bit too jumpy for the rest of the poem.

    Other than that the story is ambiguous, brilliant. It hides perfectly until the last lines on something you can't guess.

    Very nice, this is brilliant Cassie.

    Keep going!

  • Karen
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    108 is the number of beads upon the Buddhist mala (rosary) and a scared number in other traditions as well Questor.... like the kiss - across time and space. `It glides with amazing poetic grace As though arrow unswerving in the breeze`. I`m not immune! :) (: this has me ponder upon the eternal`s Mercy and un-Mercy too! Quite an accomplishment in one sonnet upon an itty-bitty day. Things are Looking Up on here (for that arrow?) - fredric has Cupid too.. 9.7 Edit: Q, I read Gio`s comment and there`s an iota of fact though not in many of your sonnets which (like Gio himself) have the tendency to lyrical accuracy )plus wisdom x) yet need the `x` factor. Read my `Edit` to the `Robert` avatar`s question today.. a device I often suggest to have people`s emotion/ flow carry their meanings with heart. (It`s a device which I invented whilst teaching teens.. as you`ll see from my patchwork-spontanes I`ve never used it yet it has even worked to loosen up published poets I`ve known). (If you write 6-10 rhyming words per horizontal lne, your emotional memory visually gets educated) *hides beneath the table in case a kiss of a lightning-bolt arrives). Hate me if you like but I will still study/ be smote by some of your Sonnets . `As arrow speeds unswerving in the breeze`......?

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  • 9 years ago

    If it`s a good cry,cry it out

    there`s nothing to hide.

    The heart takes pity of the mind.

    All the endurance locked in for a long time.

    The answer is ever harder to define.

    It`s hard to know you`re not desired,

    It`s harder to realise what `s in her mind.

    Both may just think otherwise.

    I had told my truth, i am always fine

    If I `m given the time, i did the best.

    Realisation needs love and also time.

    It`s still not the time yet,my friend.

    I seem to realise ........

  • 9 years ago

    I'm feeling it. Been there.

    Contrary to popular belief, human beings are not "mature adults" at 25, they are just beginning a life where they are learning, making mistakes, taking their own responsibilty, following their own path and royally figgin it up along the way (don't we all?!). In my experience, most of us need a lot more time to screw up and fall on our butts before we could be considered to be adults with any semblance of gratefulness. In the meantime, it's hurtful years for parents who feel mighty dumped on, my sincere sympathies.

    Great write!

  • 9 years ago

    Very clever - it took me until the end before I figured it out...but then I am very slow, and then neonman confirmed it for me. And of course your strict rhythm and rhyme echoes the ticking of the clock.

  • 9 years ago

    Wondering what you were leading up to but then I almost ran out of time before I got to the end! lol Tick tock to you too!

  • Debra
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I think it is a good poem Cassie.It is a sad tale of a lost one.It happens so many times and to a lot of parents I know.

  • I think it was the "25 years" that threw me off, as well as the last two lines. However, it is a well-written poem.

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