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? asked in Entertainment & MusicPolls & Surveys · 1 decade ago

Be honest Tell me if you like it!?

Please tell me if you like my story first draft!

It was 3:00am as I lay in bed awake I heard a crack outside the window. I saw a figure tall but skinny I thought I was seeing things so I looked away and when I look back the figure was gone.

“ALONA!” my mom screamed, “Wake up it’s time for school.” So I got up and went to get dressed and remembered what I saw last night. I got my raven black ruffle dress from my closet put my night sky colored lipstick and eyeshadow on and went down stairs. I ate my lightly brown toast with butter and drank my orange juice “thanks” I said as she took my plate she dresses like every day she is going to a meeting with her beige suit and white shoes with her hair in a bun. I heard the horn of my friend Evett’s red dodge car. “I got to go now mom bye.” I yelled as I ran out the front door. Evette wore her every day blue jeans and white t-shirt with her hair in a pony. “We’re going to be late hurry up,” she yelled. We both had only each other for friends well and 1 more Charlie but we don’t like him any more he started to date a real mean girl so we don’t hang out any more.

Finally when the school bell rang Evette and I went to my house to watch my favorite movie “Dracula’s revenge.” I love vampires I even want to be one. Evette and I were talking and then we saw moving truck go past my window. “I wonder whose moving in?” I thought and then it stopped at the top of are street. The abandoned legit house. “Who would want to move in there there are no windows except for the living room ones,” I asked Evette who was speech less.

After Evette went home I snuck a peek mat the old house it was like 12:00 at night and the most gorgeous guy walked out who oddly matched the height and skinniness as I saw last night. He had though most beautiful shaggy black hair and bat black clothes. He was my dream Goth guy.

If you have any changes please tell i am 13 and this is my first story

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It was 3:00am (It was 3:00 a.m.) lay in bed awake (period after awake) I saw a figure tall but skinny (figure: tall but skinny.) thought I was seeing things (comma after things). I got my raven black ruffle dress (comma after black, period after closet) put my night sky (start new sentence after closet with I) drank my orange juice (period after juice) “thanks” I said as she took my plate (comma after thanks and period after plate) she dresses like every day she is going to a meeting with her beige suit and white shoes with her hair in a bun. (Everyday she dresses like she's going to a meeting with her beige suit and white shoes with her hair in a bun.) “I got to go now mom bye.” I yelled (comma after mom and comma after yelled) each other for friends well and 1 more Charlie but we don’t like him any more he started to date a real mean girl so we don’t hang out any more. (dash afer friends. comma after more. period after Charlie. start new sentance with We. period after any more. and comma after girl.) Finally when the school bell rang Evette and I went to my house to watch my favorite movie “Dracula’s revenge.” (comma after finally. comma after rang. comma after movie and capitalize Revenge) I love vampires I even want to be one (either a period or a comma after vampires) and then we saw moving truck (then we saw A moving truck) I wonder whose moving in?" I thought (WHO'S moving in and period after thought) and then it stopped at the top of are street (start new sentence with 'Then the truck stopped at the top of OUR street) “Who would want to move in there there are no windows except for the living room ones,” I asked Evette who was speech less. (question mark after the first there. new sentence starts with 'There are no windows except for the living room ones', I told Evette who was speechless. >speechless is one word<) After Evette went home I snuck a peek mat the old house it was like 12:00 at night and the most gorgeous guy walked out who oddly matched the height and skinniness as I saw last night. He had though most beautiful shaggy black hair and bat black clothes. He was my dream Goth guy. (comma after home. new sentence starts 'I snuck a peek AT the old house. It was like 12:00 at night and the most gorgeous guy walked out. Oddly he matched the height and weight of the person i saw last night. He had THE most beautiful, shaggy, black hair and bat black clothes. He was my dream Goth guy.)

    Great story! you use a lot of run on sentences and forget punctuation but hopefully that helps you out :D i had fun

  • ?
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    you won't be able to generalize this to an total inhabitants. some will absolutely elect the reality. Others will in common words SAY they elect the reality at the same time as in reality they elect you to inform them what they elect to take heed to. it really is exactly WHY i will under no circumstances submit my image on the following and ask if human beings imagine i'm handsome! lol

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Too long. I'll get back to you on it.

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