Is my Marriage over or can it be saved?

4 weeks ago my husband of 1.5 years (but together for 10) told me that he wasn't happy anymore. That he thinks we have grown apart. He complained that I don't make enough time for us, that I'm always doing something for someone else. Also that I don't share my feelings with him. I realized that he was right. I don't do these things enough. For the next two weeks, I made a conscious effort to do all these things that he complained about...but it didn't seem to be making an impact. I could feel him pushing me further and further away. And it hurt a lot.

Two weeks ago, I completely broke down. I went into the room and woke him up and told him that I didn’t know how to fix us but that I would do whatever it took. I told him that I felt that he was pushing me away and I needed him to work on us with me. Thats when he admitted that there was someone else. Apparently he met her two months ago and they became friends and while he felt that we were growing apart, they were getting closer and closer. Apparently they have great communication and she makes him happy. They've been seeing each other for the last month and apparently...they love each other. She knows that hes married and is apparently keeping him a secret from her family and friends for this reason.

He promised me two weeks ago that they would not see each other anymore and that we would work on things with us. He came by my office for lunch that Thursday and Friday. He picked me up from work on the Friday and we had dinner. We went out for breakfast Saturday and did the grocery shopping together. Then Saturday night my friend watched our boys and we went out for a bit. We had a really good time and I thought that we really connected again. I haven't been that happy in years. By Monday morning he was miserable again. I asked him why and he said that he hadn't talked to her all weekend and it really hurt him. He said that he didn't know if he could give up someone that makes him feel so good and that he needs time to decide what he should do. He admitted that he went to see her once last week - to talk - but I think it was more than just once.

That was a week ago...and we're still in the same boat. We've had very little physical contact, and most of our conversations are one worders. I can't eat anything because I can't keep it down. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't function.

He tells me that he doesn't want to be alone, that he doesn't think he can live without me and that he doesn't want to lose his family....but that he doesn't want to give her up because she makes him feel good.

I'm asking myself now...do I keep trying...or do I throw in the towel? I don't want to lose him, he is my whole world...but am I just prolonging the inevidible?

Update:

I forgot to mention, he says that they are going to remain "friends." But how can you be friends with someone who you have these feelings for? How can that work? I asked him that and he said he wasn't sure if they could "just be friends," but that they'd try.

14 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Its hard i should know what you are describing is exactly what we just went thru. I wont say it's easy to forget because its not. in my case the girl told my husband she loved him when she was moving away and thats when he thought he felt the same way. how i found out was thru a txt and my world fell apart. i kicked him out, dont make the same mistake, in doing so he will just go to her, this will cause them to grow closer. i know how it hurts, but ask him to give your family a chance. this will not only affect you and him but your kids and i dont mean just stay together for the kids, fight for him if you love him. to tell you the truth i was ready to let my husband go, but i didnt and we are trying. he cut off all contact with her and so far we are good. i read somewhere that if you dont try it will always stay with you...the "what could have been." that it affects future relationships and that its hard to move on. its true i have seen it happen with some of my friends and family. my mother in law told me something that stuck "if you love, him fight for him. you were here first, and he was yours first not hers." i have also heard from many that they always comeback regardless of the time that has passed. someone told be that her exhusband came back after 8yrs. what this love is,is a flight of fancy. they think they have met the perfect someone, but as they will find out they are not perfect at all, and remember at one point you were that perfect someone.everyone has their defects the difference is he knows yours and he will find out eventully about hers. the reason i asked my husband back was that i wanted for myself to know that i at least tried, that i am trying and knowing that... it will be easier for me to let go if it doesnt work out. we have changed things and recently he admitted to me that he is glad we are working it out. that in spending more time with me and the kids has made him realize what he almost lost. its true "time heals all wounds" but scars are left behind, its up to you what memories they hold. be strong and follow your heart look in the mirror and look at your kids and ask yourself what feels right in the end.

  • Mai C
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    You should make yourself a decision. Do you keep him knowing he is cheating and he will cheat again and again now that he knows there is no real accountability, or do you get rid of him knowing you actually want the relationship to carry on.

    A huge number of women are in this boat and it is hard for them to decide. But at the end of the day your husband wants you to say hat you allow him to have this other woman as long as he comes home to you after than.

    He knows he cannot remain friends with the woman if nothing is going on. You know that, and she knows that.

    You need the matter concluded faster than he is doing at present. It may be that after a few weeks when the excitement of a pull is over he comes to his senses and finishes with her but for now you will suffer. The silliness about loving each other is childish and unworthy. Love is whatever you decide to give or accept. It is not involuntary or incidental. It is a conscious thing which can be given or withheld just like he is withholding it from you now.

  • 1 decade ago

    Is he having a sexual relationship with her? From all you've said, I'm sorry, but I think it is over. I hate to say that. You could always try marriage counseling. My thing is, I could never forgive (or forget) that he started to have feelings for another woman. My trust would be gone. Maybe you are stronger than me and you can forgive and forget. Do what you think is best, counseling may work for you. He has to realize that he can't have both of you. He has to make a decision and maybe counseling would help him with that. Maybe you could be the woman to make him feel good again.

    I feel bad for you and wish you the best!

  • 1 decade ago

    U go girl ~~~ U R already doing a lot of great things for yourself and to save this marriage. If hubby cooperates this may just be turned around. He has a lot to loose if he divorces U -- like 50% of everything he owns. My own husband went thru a mid-life crisis and fancied himself being happier with another woman. He caused me a lot of heartache 4 years ago, but we are still together. U have every right to protect what is yours. The 'other woman' needs to look elsewhere. Being happy is a choice. Staying married is a choice.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Don't give up. Keep doing what your doing, trying to meet his needs, communicate. Be the woman he fell in love with.

    He does need to give this woman up. There can be no "being Friends". that isn't fair to the relationship and isn't giving you guys a chance.

    Give it some time, while keeping up your good behaviors, it took you many years to leave him feeling alone - it's going to take some time to get it all back.

  • 1 decade ago

    It is probably over.

    Rather than beg and plead, one more sit down discussion. Discuss such as "responsibility to family", the kids. That the "newness of discovery" in relationships tires out. That your marriage is a 2 way street...both of you need to give and get. That you can not allow him to remain "friends" with the other woman if your marriage is to work.....you are the mother, the wife and your job (as his should be) is to be realistic in protection of the family. Discuss how to make the family "fun" for all within...and that as a parent fun and reward are unselfish. Such as taking the kids to a park to play, teaching kids to ride bicycles. It is called being grown up.

    If he has no pride of family, can not accept maturity, and must be led by his male appendage....let him go.

    You may have left over love for "who he was". But he just plain isn't that same guy. He is proving he isn't. You may have love for the family unit. But by his choice he has taken himself out of it.

    Do not grovel.......you grew up, he didn't.

  • morgan
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Well he'll figure out the grass isn't always greener on the other side. She makes him feel good because its new . If he did leave u for her . He would be back knocking in your door in a month. why would u want to be 2 choice?

    Has he slept with her yet? If he was I wouldn't even try to work things out.

  • 1 decade ago

    This hurt my feelings reading this. You should go for divorce, or this is going to go on and on. You can seperate and yes it will hurt (time heals all wounds) or live with the fact that he's going to see the other woman that he has this "connection" with and leaving his family at home.

    The choice is yours.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well, he's made his choice. Looks like if you stay with him you're going to be the side dish while she is the main course. Can you stomach that?

  • Amy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    He's in love with someone else. Can you live with that?

    Whatever you do, you won't change that.

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