Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 9 years ago

Advice on living with in-laws in a different country?

Hello everyone, i moved to Holland 8 months ago with my 12 yr. old daughter. We moved to the Netherlands because my fiance is Dutch,and he also has an obligation to his employment/er in Holland. He also purchased a home that will soon be completed in 2 months. When we initially decided to relocate, the plan was to live w/ his parents until the house was completed. I was a little hesitant about the idea, but having faith that it will all work out. I knew of the challenges that would be ahead, but never imagined how difficult it really would be. New language, living in a village (coming from a large city), surrounded by people constantly hounding me w/many questions, and treating me like i'm ignorant as i do things differently (as im from a different country) My daughter is doing good. She speaks the language almost fluently- has friends and is doing good in school. She often expresses to me how difficult it is for her to understand in school sometimes. She too has her moments of frustration. I am struggling w/not being able to find a job as the language poses as a barrier for me at the moment. I worked in healthcare for 11 years and had a wonderful job in my home country. I'm studying the language continuously, and doing my best the only way i know how. In a village where I don't know anyone, and being so far away from family and friends, and not being able to drive here yet-has really been a challenge. We live w/ my future in-laws, and my S-in law comes almost everyday w/ her children. She often tries to conveniently drop the kids off to me, or sends the kids upstairs to me while she drinks coffee w/ her mother and aunts. The kids are very wild- biting, kicking, scratching, and throwing things. Its very difficult to tend them when once again the languge is a barrier. I find myself being very reclusive at times, and it is very saddening to me. I cry almost every day in private. It is also hard for me to eat dinner w/ the family when I know my F-in law makes rude remarks about me, as my daughter is able to understand what he says-even if i don't. My M-inlaw is a very nice lady, but alot of times i feel like she wants things to be her way entirely. Ex: when my fiance and I were planning our kitchen set up, she immediately sat at the table and made herself the 3rd party (as if we had to get her approval) of our ideas. Needless to say we did not design our kitchen the way we had initially planned. What we ended up doing with it was more of her idea. My fiance is the youngest of her children, i do understand it is difficult to let him go, but he is afterall is 35 yrs old. He tells his mother every time we have a disagreement, or she listens to us intently with both ears wide open. She then calls her daughter to let her daughter know that my fiance and I had an arguement. She then feels like it is sometimes her right to have "talks" with me, as she does at times w/ other members of the family. She also finds it necessary to explain everything to me from cleaning, to ironing, to mothering my child. She has also casually insulted me in front of the family, and passing it off so "nicely." I'm very tolerant of the situation, but it is emotionally painful to live this way. I do everything I possibly can think of to lighten the situation. In a village there is not alot to do to escape the situation. I go on several bike rides per day, walks through the woods until I have blisters on my feet. It is custom here that coffee drinking is at 10am and 5 pm everyday. Alot of times I can't even bring myself to be comfortable to sit at the table while several conversations go on in another language, and often at times during coffee drinking time i'm the subject of the conversation w/ my fiances aunts, mother and sister. I do what I can to be polite and bear it. I wait for the days to pass, so that night will come and I can sleep w/o thinking about the living situation. I do my best to hide my feelings, although i have expressed to my fiance many times how unhappy i am living w/his parents. The tears easily stream down my face from day to day, even writing this article. I feel so alone here, but I have so much faith that it will get better. Can anyone offer me any advice on my situation? Please help me decide what to do.

2 Answers

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    GO and leave!

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  • ?
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    its hard to get answer if you write like this as nobody will go for this long story and try to write in brief.

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