Artiom
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Artiom asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 10 years ago

What do you think about this sonnet?

Just a sincere opinion and some constructive criticism, please.

Also, do you think that the rhyme and the rhythm in it are alright?

Many thanks in advance.

A Private Winter

This is not a station that comes with the snow.

And, it’s not a time of happiness and grace.

It is an age that arrives with tears that flow,

A private winter that hits the stranger with a mace.

Long gone are the calm and never-ending summer days.

And gone are Orpheus’ songs without Eurydice.

But he still stands there, regretting how years him blaze

And searching still a path to his regained paradise.

Turn away, for there is a bigger sky above our heads.

Can’t you hear the nightingales sing in the morning,

While you are still absorbed in your futile treads?

But listen, even though this is what I find scorning:

Past has long passed away. And therefore, what sway

Does it make mourning for the past and do nothing today?

3 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    The rhyme structure is correct, but the rhythm is VERY sketchy. A sonnet should be in Iambic Pentameter - That is each line should have 5 iambs. (An iamb is a two syllable foot with emphasis on the second syllable.) Your poem includes several lines with far more.

    Your first line is only one syllable above the 10 that the formula calls for, and you can sometimes pull that off in a sonnet. But there is nothing iambic about it.

    The second line would scan correctly if you simply removed the word "And" which is both grammatically incorrect and functionally pointless. The third would scan correctly if you changed the word "arrives" with the word "comes." but those are just my suggestions - you may choose to solve the problem in a different way.

    Those are the technical points. In terms of how the general idea of this sonnet goes, you obviously understand how this form is used to express an idea. Your three quatrains present the central problem and your final couplet offers the solution. That is well done. Your only problem is technical. You just have to rework this sonnet into something a lot closer to iambic pentameter and you will be good to go.

  • 10 years ago

    Somewhat it was ok. need to work more on rhythm.

  • 10 years ago

    it was really good, but i think the rhythm was a little rough around the edges.

    rate and comment on this please http://www.teenink.com/poetry/free_verse/article/3...

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