Feedback on my writing?

This is just an excerpt from my journal...does it make flow well and make sense?

"The thought of being elsewhere is so appealing because you don’t know all that it entails; for the uninhibited, the mystery is enticing. You’ve crossed a drawbridge in your own mind, and settled in the notion that this city is beckoning you, promising all you’ve never had in your own. It does not mean anything that your home is an international marvel…your paradigm has since shifted, and your soul wanders the earth you have yet to set foot on."

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  • 9 years ago
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    It definitely does make sense but it's not at all pleasurable to read. If some of the sentences were shorter and simpler, you'd portray a feeling of intrigue far more effectively. In contrast, the long sentences quickly become boring and a bit of a mouthful. I also suggest you don't use so many 'big word' synonyms of simple words that could make your work flow much smoothly. Sometimes a small, simple, common word is better than its lesser used synonym.

    I don't mean to sound too critical hahah because it does sound seriously interesting; I'm just trying to be constructive. :) Best of luck to you.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    This does make sense, but if you were aiming this extract at a 16 or younger child then they would have trouble reading it. :) very good detail, and metaphors. x

  • i disagree with lauren - i understand that and im younger than 16 - its very good - quite philosophical, also got some psychology in it - it sounds like a good book

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