Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 8 years ago

What do I do? Married 15 years, wife is confused, loves me but doesn't!?

I am 37 years old, my wife is early 40s. We have 2 children together.

We have been happily married for 15 years, very rarely fight, neither (as far as I know) have been unfaithful. We travel frequently, go out frequently and in general have a very good relationship, though she does and always has had trouble sharing her deepest feelings.

A couple of months ago we had a (what I consider small) fight. The next day she acted very cold, which is not abnormal for her after we've had words. I finally tried to talk to her that night. Well, sure wish I hadn't. She told me she was not happy, and hadn't been for over 6 months (all news to me). She told me she was considering asking for a divorce, I was absolutely devastated! We talked long and hard about things and agreed that we would give it until the end of the year to both make a better effort, date night once a week (just us, no kids, no family, no friends), and would go out of town for a night at least every month. This all went according to plan for the first 2 months, things seemed to be going well (not alot of sex...not uncommon for us....I always want, she rarely does). Then, this past weekend we were away for a 5 day vacation, and right in the middle of it says it's over. She loves me, but does not love me the way she did when we first met or got married.

We have spent a lot more time in the past week talking about things, but she claims she doesn't know what she wants, or what makes her happy any longer. When asked what her plan would be should we split up, she says, I don't know, really have no idea (we have 2 kids remember).....I am devastated, and a complete wreck.

Over the past 10 years I have provided very well for the family, work from home so always get the kids up and ready and take care of things when home from school. Because I work from home dinner is ready every night of the week for her when she gets home from work. She has a long day, leaves at 630 and arrives home right around 6, I don't expect her to do these things, I have no commute, and have more time than she.

I don't believe she is having an affair, just no time for her, she rarely goes out on her own, and when she's not at work she's here with me and the kids.

Is there something I am missing? I realize that people grow apart, but this is just way too out of the blue to me. I have read a lot in the last week about changes in hormones etc in females in the late thirties to late forties.....is this something we should be talking about, or is it just too late for us, and I should accept the reality that the wife I love and the life I loved is gone?

Update:

Further to a couple of the comments. I show my wife how much I love her each and every day of the year, between sending flowers, kissing, hugging, telling her I love her, how beautiful she is. I don't think I could show more affection if I tried.

Regarding counselling, I tried suggesting that. She is a very outgoing person (socially), but when it comes to speaking from her heart, and talking about her feelings, she is impossible. She quickly shot down the idea of counselling.

Update 2:

I think the part that troubles me the most with this, is that she just doesn't seem to want to try to get through this and work it out. I just don't understand how after being together for nearly 20 years she can just walk away from it. Does she think walking away will be easier than trying to work it out? Last I checked divorce and custody battles weren't easy on people.

6 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You say she wouldn't have time for an affair yet I am telling you from what you've written, it truly sounds like she has found someone else and has likely been doing what she shouldn't have been for some time. Especially because she refuses counseling and simply doesn't *want* it to work. People who work longer hours than she does find time to fool around. I would go so far as to say it was someone from her work, that's the easiest and most common scenario. So what do you do. Well, you should probably prepare yourself for divorce and the likely occurrence that she'll be with someone "new" in a very short time after it's all legally over. Figure out custody arrangements and all that jazz. Good luck.

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  • 8 years ago

    Why don't you suggest she go to marriage counseling with you.

    We all have ups and downs in marriage. .that doesn't mean its over.

    If she bails out because she isn't sure why then she is just being moody,

    mid age syndrome, all kinds of silly things.

    Don't give up on her, even if there isn't any kids you love her and she still

    loves you counseling will help. If you were married at church get the priest or

    minister to counsel first before running to the doctor. They charge while the religious

    don't charge and many a time you only need 4 or 5 sessions to figure it out.

    ps. It is NOT in a woman's nature to make a man feel small and unhappy.

    You have to learn to compromise and love one another even when things are just

    normal. people need to get a grip and stop divorcing just because they want something new to do.

    If nothing else it just makes you feel stupid afterwards.

    Source(s): married forever
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  • Beto N
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    this happen to me when I was 37 my ex was 40 and we also had two kids. I known her since I was 15 but did not hook up till I was 31 we lasted 7 yrs. We tried to work it out but i did not work. She left with the kids and i was devasted but another year passed I saw my kids because she move to another stated and now Im happy and have a new girl friend. we are good friends now. So the lesson I learned is time heals all wounds and its not the end of the world life goes on. Good luck.

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  • 8 years ago

    She is looking for a hall pass. Here is how this will work out: You and her will seperate for a few months. In these months you will let her do her thing. About 1 month into your trial seperation you will go on a date. She will call you the following day asking how your date went. You will tell her that it was alot of fun and that you and the date girl have plans to go out again the next night. Your wife will get upset seeing you happy and she will then come back to you in order to continue to make your life miserable. It is in a womans nature to make their men feel small and unhappy. Remember, the key to winning your wife back is showing her that you are getting happy. She won't be able to handle it.

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  • 8 years ago

    She is probably going through that female change of life thing--I would just tell her how you truly feel and tell her to do what she has to do-- It takes two to tango. I know you are hurting and a part of you is mad at her senseless behaviour -- but constant tugging at her pants leg---come on -- balls in her court--wait for it.

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  • 8 years ago

    i too am married for 15yrs....my hubby and i have a happy marriage, i wish ya did too.....it sounds like your not showing her enough affection. kiss her, hug her, lay in bed and talk. if ya arent having fun and laughing all the time, theres a problem. im the crazy one in our marriage, and i grab him and he'll grab at me(if u know what i mean at grabbing :( ).....if she dont like u toiching her, the i hate to say its over, good luck

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