question about my novel/book im writing?

how does this sound from my novel?

“I look out the window to see where we are. Buildings made of marble and some granite is breath taking to see. I can only form one thought. We must be in the heart of Mount Olympus.

“I know I know, beautiful isn’t it?” Aphrodite says as she sits and watches me.

“You’ll get used to it sweetie, once you take it all in.” “I’m still trying to take it in myself,” she says as she fiddles with her hair.

I’ve never seen so many colors in my life, altogether. Women wearing blue wigs, some stop at their feet. Men with pink hair and fuschia pink suits on. People can’t keep their eyes off of the train as it pulls in.

“Are you ready?” Aphrodite says as she stands next to the door, waiting for me to answer.

“Yes.” I reply

I slowly walk to the door and it opens. A pure smell enters my nostrils, pure as in not salty. It takes me a while to take in this moment.

“Well, move along dear” Aphrodite says slightly pushing me out the train.

People can’t keep their eye off of me as I walk to my unknown destination.

“Right . . . over here” Aphrodite says as she guides me with her hands on my shoulders as if I’m a child through the crowd.

We head to the desk. A woman at the sits in front has long eyebrows, fuschia pink hair, and blue eye shadow.

Aphrodite makes conversation with the woman and I look around, people stare at me. I see a woman who looks to be in her late 20’s sitting down with her lady friend. She too as everyone else has on an outlandish outfit on. She looks me up and down and then rolls her eyes at me in disgust. She taps her friend. She too looks at me with her crazy get up and they both point at me and laugh, they soon get up and walk away. How can they be disgusted by me when they are wearing that outlandish crap they call style.

“Come on now, move along.” Aphrodite orders.

She pushes me around the crowd making twist and turns. We finally get to a car, a man with a sign that says “Sephora Rosewood” waits for me.

He has blue hair, and wears a black simple tux. He opens the door, Aphrodite and I scoot inside. It’s very high tech, from the three dimensional GPS, to the virtual steering wheel.

“Yes, I know breath taking huh?” He closes the door.

“Where are we going?” I ask Aphrodite.

“Where you and the others will be staying, since you are the first to arrive, you get to choose any room you want, exciting isn’t it?”

We go through a series of twist and turns. I look out the window, dogs with light green fur and some yellow. The kids are none the less flamboyant as everyone else is.

how does it sound?

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago
    Best Answer

    It sounds pretty good, yo could work on describing a few things better, but that's about it. No offence, but this scene sort of sounds like the Hunger Games when Katniss's train is pulling up to the capital. Especially with the fashions, and the main character being from a different part of the same country making fun of what they're wearing. I mean even the Hunger Games gets compared to things like "Battle Royale", but I think that you could take away the comparison by making the fashions a bit different. For example: instead of: Women wearing blue wigs, some stop at their feet. Men with pink hair and fuschia pink suits on.

    Women wearing crazy hats with millions of stuffed animals on them, some have matching coats. Men with pink body glitter and suits with different little bouncy balls glued on to them.

    And that's not very good, I just made it up on the spot. Also instead of having her in a train something else, to take away the comparison.

  • hipps
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

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