Thoughts on the opening and closing paragraphs of my story?
Beginning of a chapter (near the middle of the book):
I stood there horrified, listening to that voice in the back of my head ordering me to stop my best friend and get him to drop the gun he was holding. I was going to --- I wanted to --- but my body betrayed me. I stood and watched wordlessly as the young cashier screamed for help, screaming, telling him to stop. He didn't, instead, his fingers tightened around the trigger and next thing I knew the woman in front of us was sprawled across the tiled floor, lying in a pool of her own blood. Moments later after her long struggle, her eyes were staring up at the ceiling, glassily and dead looking... and it was all because of me.
Here's the middle:
I lingered at the door for a while… half ready to bolt, half ready to ask Danny what I feared, but half ready to burst into tears at the same time.
“I won’t tell, kid.” He told me, glaring a bit, throwing the bag of goods at me, “Just leave.”
My eyes widened as I caught the bag in my hands, forcing my voice to sound firmer, “What?”
"It's yours..." He nodded, picking the gun up from the floor and whipping it in his jeans, “… just leave. I ain't gonna say nothin'.”
Here's how the chapter ends:
After a minute or two of running I heard one of the most terrifying things I've ever heard in my life, a sound that topped my mothers' screams and my fathers drunken rants or even my brothers' endless crying as he watched his parents die. A gun shot, loud and piercing in the quiet night and I knew automatically who it was, I didn't even have to look back because my heart was already stopping in my chest an ounce of grief falling over me despite what he'd said to me earlier that night... and suddenly tears were falling down my face, the tears which I could no longer hold back because I knew what had happened...
Danny was dead.
Any thoughts? I need to edit it a bit, but still...
It's basically about two childhood friends (15 and 16), they were drinking and decided to go have some fun. They stole their parents liquor and then they went to the gas station at the other side of town to scare the lady who worked there into giving them some free cigarettes. One of them, Danny took things too far and Sam didn't wanna stop him because he didn't wanna look weak. Danny shot the woman and Sam freaked out, then after cooling down and Danny telling him off, Danny told him to leave and said that he'd tell the cops he was the only one there, or nothing at all. Sam left, and Danny killed himself.
I was going to post the whole thing, but it wouldn't fit.. It's around 2 to 6 pages.
And it's sad, so yeah..
The main story is about a guy named Sam who comes from an abusive household from ages two to thirteen.
He's emotionally scarred from it.
He goes from foster home to foster home.
Finds comfort with alcohol and painkillers.
The story is basically about his life from ages 13 to 20 and the dramatic things he goes through between then, until he dies.
- PatLv 48 years agoFavorite Answer
Sounds good - you have talent...keep it up and good luck
- Anonymous8 years ago
Well, obviously because you couldn't fit the entire story in what I did read didn't explain the plot- but it sounds good. It sounds a bit like the kind of thing I write- although I'm not good with sad stories and now I've started writing them myself! I can't stop, lol.
Yeah, it sounds good! Keep it up...
- Anonymous8 years ago
it sounds good to me!
i love writing stories even though i'm bad at it XD i also like writing sad/scary stories
i like the story, i can't find any part except the end sad, but its good and well written! keep it up!