Seeking feedback on introduction?

This is an excerpt of a story I began not too long ago, any advice, feedback, etc. is greatly appreciated.

People like to say that the loneliest time of their lives is when they lose a loved one. I myself have lost my dad to leukemia when I was fourteen and more aunts, uncles, and cousins than I have fingers since then. No, it isn't lonely at all, it's a time to gather and celebrate the life of those who have lived by those still living. It's almost like a birthday party, well more like a reverse birthday party. I may be placing myself in the wrong group, after all most veterans say that wartime was the worst. I don't disagree with them; you leave home to train, make friends, fight, lose friends, and all that time is spent away from lovers and families. One can understand why there was a baby boom after the second "Great War." But fraternity got me through my tours like it had years before and will eons into the future; they didn't name the series 'Band of Brothers' for nothing. Still, I love my family as much as the next gent, don't get me wrong, but the loneliest epoch of my otherwise, peaceful existence was the summer at Leviathan Lake.

2 Answers

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  • Zvi
    Lv 7
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You're starting the story with someone's musings. Better to start it with the character being more active. That will attract more interest.

    Zvi the Fiddler

    http://www.barnesandnoble.com/c/zvi-zaks

    "Science fiction for people who like to think."

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  • ?
    Lv 4
    7 years ago

    you drift in the story

    focus on one theme

    try again

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