Seeking feedback on introduction?

This is an excerpt of a story I began not too long ago, any advice, feedback, etc. is greatly appreciated.

People like to say that the loneliest time of their lives is when they lose a loved one. I myself have lost my dad to leukemia when I was fourteen and more aunts, uncles, and cousins than I have fingers since then. No, it isn't lonely at all, it's a time to gather and celebrate the life of those who have lived by those still living. It's almost like a birthday party, well more like a reverse birthday party. I may be placing myself in the wrong group, after all most veterans say that wartime was the worst. I don't disagree with them; you leave home to train, make friends, fight, lose friends, and all that time is spent away from lovers and families. One can understand why there was a baby boom after the second "Great War." But fraternity got me through my tours like it had years before and will eons into the future; they didn't name the series 'Band of Brothers' for nothing. Still, I love my family as much as the next gent, don't get me wrong, but the loneliest epoch of my otherwise, peaceful existence was the summer at Leviathan Lake.

2 Answers

  • ?
    Lv 7
    8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You're starting the story with someone's musings. Better to start it with the character being more active. That will attract more interest.

    Zvi the Fiddler

    "Science fiction for people who like to think."

  • ?
    Lv 4
    8 years ago

    you drift in the story

    focus on one theme

    try again

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.