Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 6 years ago

My husband cheated on me with his married boss.?

We have been married for 7 years and have 3 children.

My husband is an accountant and 3 years ago he got a great job at a bank in Minneapolis. We are from Maine so we had to move here. We sold our former house and bought a new one here our second daughter was also born here and we have been happy in this city. I love the community I live it's very safe and the people are super friendly and there is a lot to do for the kids and for us.

Two weeks ago (A Friday) he told me he was going to his friend's to watch a game. So while he was in the shower for curiosity I decided to snoop in his phone and found a text from him to his manager that said. I'll be there by 7.30 and she responded. Great. I can't wait to see you. I then kept looking and found more texts it was obvious that they've been sleeping together. I then confronted him and he came clean but said that the only reason he was doing that is because she told him if he didn't he was going to get fired. which I don't believe for a second. The best part is that she is married. Now he's sleeping in the basement and is begging me to forgive him and is bringing me flowers the other night he even brought mariachis at 2am he wrote me a letter and every day leaves a note in different part of the house before leaving for work. I'm heartbroken I love him & I want to forgive him but How. How do I put this behind me? It hurts a lot. Should I try counseling? Should I tell her husband?

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  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    First off you need to understand why he is cheating. Guys are visual. the excitement of the relationship. He is missing the thrill in your marriage. you may have to be the wildest,very open, **** for him to keep you marriage

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    1

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  • 6 years ago

    I am so sorry, I know it hurts. But you should only get counseling if you forgive him. Not only did he cheat not just on you, but his family. Not only did he cheat but he lied and threw his boss under the bus. The only reason he is being so nice is because he is scared, scared he'll lose half of everything, scared you'll call his bosses husband. He is running scared.

    Do not punish him by making him sleep in the basement or make him feel like a heel. Leave him right now. If you have family or friends go there right now and take the kids. Only this will make him understand. Right now he thinks with puppy dog eyes and flowers this will blow over and he will be safe. If you do that, he will do again, guaranteed. You need to make in understand by leaving exactly what this means. Once you are gone you can then talk about fixing it.

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    • Innes
      Lv 4
      6 years agoReport

      Remember - he didn't 'come clean' so was able to bare lying to you and deceiving you. You CAUGHT him. Necessity is NOT a virtue - he fessed up because HE HAD TO faced with evidence - or he would still be at it.

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  • 6 years ago

    You can't put it behind you until you figure out why it happened. Counseling can help with that. There are some good books on the subject as well. Do you want to tell her husband? Would her husband believe you?

    Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

    Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

    After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms

    His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

    Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

    Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

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  • Chloe
    Lv 4
    6 years ago

    Involvement with your husbands boss is not recommended. Not only could it cost him his job it could be dangerous for you and may not bring you any closer to feeling better.

    It's great that your husband has come clean, but he needs to the you the real reason for the affair. Only then can you evaluate the relationship.

    Couples counselling is an excellent idea and will help you both voice your feelings in a safe mediates environment. Couples counselling isn't always necessary and if you're not made of money it might not be an option.

    You have to think long and hard about how important trust is to you and whether or not he could gain your trust again. Whatever his reason for the affair, it needs to be addressed immediately and I'd suggest personal counseling if needed.

    I hope whatever the outcome you and your family pull through.

    PS. There is a playlist about infidelity on HowCast's YouTube channel which is well worth the watch.

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  • 6 years ago

    First off thats black mail. If she is truly holding that against him, he can go to the police and say it is blackmail and also sexual harassment, among other things. You don't want him to lose his job

    Nowmy personal opinion is that you should definitely tell her husband. Cheating is never okay, and she is getting away with it. She probably doesn't feel any guilt about it, and say that she is also blackmailing your husband.

    As for forgiving him, it is never easy. You have to think, you checked his phone for a reason. That means you don't fully trust him, because there is never a valid reason to randomly snoop in someone's phone. He feels guilty about it, but it's because he loves you or it is he got caught. Counseling is a very healthy way to go, even if it is awkward at first. You just have to find the right counselor. You have to feel comfortable with them, so do your research on that. If he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, then try all attempts to fix it.

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  • 6 years ago

    Your husband needs to be looking for a new job pronto. Also, go with him to talk to an employment lawyer. Even if the affair was consensual, his boss was in a position of authority. There could be a claim, especially if there is retaliation when he breaks off the affair. Even if he were willing, he might still be able to make a case for quid pro quo sexual harassment. You guys might also need that money if he gets fired. He needs to cut off all contact with her outside of work, inside of work, he should only have contact when other people are around. It sounds like he has not taken responsibility for the affair either, even though he is bringing home flowers, etc. There is a good book that will help him, it is Infidelity Crisis by Katie Coston. Set down some guidelines for him, like having his password and access to his cell phone, too. Now days when someone has an affair they can bring home a deadly disease, do not take this lightly.

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  • M.
    Lv 7
    6 years ago

    The REASON that somebody cheats, is that their EMOTIONAL NEEDS are not being met. So, it's NOT all about HIM. SOME of it is about YOU. I've been cheated on, so I know the awful feeling, but you need to ask yourself how YOU may be involved. Him begging and groveling and living in the basement and bringing you flowers and romantic music is a sweet and sour delight/punishment/vengeance. YOU need to address the subject of WHY he was open to this affair. An emotionally satisfied person would NEVER cheat. They would DIE first. And that's how I truly feel.

    Some of the backbone of a relationship is: communications, common needs, common goals, trust. Right now the trust is injured/broken. Use the other things to build it back up. I'm suggesting communications. He needs to truthfully answer any and all of your questions about this affair, so that you understand. Only after this disclosure, can you start to heal.

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    • Dani6 years agoReport

      It really doesn't matter the reason, you should not cheat ... ever. There is always a means to a end. Some people are just selfish and don't care how it effects other people....obviously case in point. It is a decision not a mistake. Trust is going to be very hard to rebuild.

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  • ?
    Lv 6
    6 years ago

    If his story is true then his boss deserves to be fired for blackmail. Yes I would tell the husband just do it anonymously . I hate when people say don't tell because it would destroy other peoples families. Funny I thought the cheating already did that. If you decide to work on things with him he is to be an open book to you and you are to have open access to everything he has. He needs to get a new job or move to a different department to avoid being around her. Only time and him proving he can earn your trust back will heal your wounds.

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  • 6 years ago

    I would most definitely tell you'r boss' husband. He has every right to know what is going on. Personally, I have been cheated on, and I can tell you it doesn't discriminate. I have seen some beautiful, sweet and intelligent women get cheated on. If you can forgive him, make him quit and change his number. If not, leave his ***. Most men are only sorry they got caught. You taking the blame is not the answer, ever. Its a choice not a mistake.

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  • 6 years ago

    You will have to seek counseling with him so he can truly understand how you feel and how much pain you are in.

    With that said and done please realize that only YOU can forgive him and put this behind.

    Some people can and some people can't, even with counseling. But in order to get everything out in the open and have closure I suggest counseling.

    So sorry you are going through this.

    I wish you well.

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