My boyfriend doesn't know if he loves me now? What do I do?
My boyfriend of three months (who has been telling me he loves me) said he doesn't know 100% if he loves me or not. We are both 20. I asked him if we didn't have sex if he would stay and he said yes, because I told him I was making sure what he feels for me is love and not just lust then he said he isn't 100% sure if he loves me and that he's never experienced love before and then he said "I feel like I do love you and if this isn't love then I wouldn't know what this is then"
He said I was "mindfucking" him and confusing him. I'm his first serious girlfriend and I took his virginity.
I told him I can't be with him then I said I needed time to think. He cried and said he didn't want me to leave him.
What do I do? Should I stay? Should I leave him? I'm really really hurt. He treats me pretty well.
I want advice I don't want to hear about how I'm so young. Please help me.
- ShannenLv 55 years agoFavorite Answer
I think that you're putting way too much pressure on your boyfriend to tell you he loves you and that you should allow him to say it when he is ready and when he knows he truly feels it.
Just because you might love him and are completely open about that with him, doesn't necessarily mean he's on the same page. 3 months isn't exactly a long time, and although it is possible to love someone after that amount of time, perhaps he just needs a little longer to be sure. If you're his first serious relationship it makes sense that he would be confused, and you arguing with him about it probably doesn't help the situation.
It's clear that he cares for you and wants to be with you, so right now that needs to be enough for you. Spend time with him, enjoy being together and don't bring up anything to do with love for a while and you'll most likely find that when he's ready he will tell you himself.
You definitely shouldn't break up with him, as he's done nothing wrong at all. All he's doing is being honest with you about how he feels, which is always a good thing, even if he's not saying what you want to hear. The more you keep pushing him and making him feel pressure to say those three words, the more likely it is that he will want to leave you completely. Don't ruin a perfectly good relationship simply because you're a little insecure.
Do you really want him to tell you he loves you just because you've forced him into it or do you want it to be real? It's better to not hear it at all than for it to be a lie.
I know it might be hard if you feel strongly for him and that him saying he doesn't know if he loves you might be making you doubt his feelings, but that isn't the way it works. People fall in love at different times and in different ways and I can guarantee that any couple you speak to would tell you that they fell in love with each other at different points in their relationship. Clearly he has very strong feelings for you and they might not have grown into love yet, but they could at any time. However they won't if you're making him feel crap about himself.
Try to be understanding and sensitive to his feelings. Yes, you're hurt, but he is too and it's your responsibility to let him know that you do want to be with him and that he has the freedom to tell you how he feels in his own time.
If you aren't prepared to wait for him to tell you himself, then consider ending it, because it really isn't fair for you to be constantly nagging at him about this. As a person that finds it hard to open up about my emotions or to fall in love, I can tell you that being with someone that was trying to force me to tell them I loved them would be the worst possible thing for me. Maybe your boyfriend is like me and is just simply more reserved and closed when it comes to his emotions, and for people like that I can't express how important time and space is for them. You putting so much pressure on him is probably causing him so much distress and hurt and from what you've said he sounds like a lovely guy that really doesn't deserve it.
Just consider whether it's worth ending your relationship because of this. You say he treats you well and it sounds like other than him being unsure whether he loves you, you had/have a good relationship. Try to remember that 3 months isn't very long at all and with time he will grow to love you.
- TealLv 75 years ago
He stuck his foot in his mouth, I don't think he intended to come off as insensitive as he did. He clearly wants to be with you, right now that's enough. After only three months it's not a big deal if he isn't ready to say he loves you. Tell him you don't want to argue about this and let it go.