Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 5 years ago

I'm writing a novel and want opinions ...?

It had almost become a habit, keeping watch together. They had only known eachother for a month or so but already they were becoming good friends. They spent every night on top of the hill because of it’s view of the camp. Usually, they fell asleep apart but woke up in eachother’s arms. Mura’s night terrors never seemed to cease, but having Aspen there did comfort her a little, though she’d never admit it. However, tonight was different, and Aspen wasn’t too shy about cozying up to her. He lay down right beside her, their shoulders touching. He slipped his arm under her head so he could wrap it around her. A subtle gesture. She placed her hand on his chest. Feeling his heart beating underneath his muscle swept a wave of comfort over her. It was the first night she didn’t have nightmares. Instead, the dream she lived throughout the day continued through the night as she slept.


I'm writing a novel and want opinions pt.1

Update 2:

The morning arrived much sooner than she was expecting. Mura awoke and realized Aspen wasn’t lying beside her. She sat up and looked around the hill, but there was no sign of him.

“Aspen?” Mura called, but there was no answer. It wa very odd that Aspen would leave her on the hill alone, especially with Jesse still lurking about. She headed back to the cottage hoping to find him there. Cautiously, she unzipped his tent and headed to the back, where he kept his notebook. It’s where he usually was

Update 3:

He always had his nose in a book, whether it be a personal journal, or a sci-fi classic. Mura found it quite adorable really. He always read curled up in a ball in the corner or flat on his stomach with his feet in the air behind him, swaying occasionally. She’s been bringing him hot coco lately and he seemingly enjoyed it. Aspen would look up from his book when she’d walk in and smile through his eyes, his nose and mouth covered by his book.

Update 4:

He’d accept the mug with a warm smile, bow his head once in thankfulness, and take a deep breath through his nose, acknowledging the comforting scent. Then he’d set it in the dirt beside him and continue reading, cross legged. For some reason he wasn’t here though. This struck Mura as odd, he was always with her, keeping an eye out, or in his tent reading. Something wasn’t right. Suddenly, she heard a scream come from the forest. Instinctively, her wings shot out from her back.

Update 5:

Mura followed the sound to it’s source, winding through the trees with a grace only a winged one could. She heard another shriek, this one distinctively closer. She sidestepped dead roots and burnt branches. Burnt? She spun around. She could see where the screams were coming from now. Throwing herself into a sprint, she raced towards the pillar of smoke, dodging bushes like hurdles. She pushed away a few singed vines and found herself staring at a scene of total chaos.

Update 6:

Men and women from the camp darted around in a panic. 30 foot oaks were ablaze so fiercely, Mura had to shield her eyes. One woman tripped and fell, crying hysterically and another woman hastily helped her up, her face set in stone. And in the middle of in all, grinning murderously, was Jesse.

“Ah, Mura, come to see the show?”

3 Answers

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    5 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I don't quite follow what's happening. You say your two characters are 'keeping watch,' but in fact what they do is go to sleep. The camp is below them, but when Mura goes to look for Aspen she goes to 'the cottage', but opens a tent. Then she spends much too long thinking about him reading and drinking cocoa (note spelling) until she hears screams and finds the people from the camp in the middle of a wood.


    "He slipped his arm under her head so he could wrap it around her. A subtle gesture."

    No, wrapping his arm round her isn't subtle at all


    'dodging bushes like hurdles' - surely you mean hurdling bushes...

    At the end of the extract I don't know who the characters are or what they're doing, or where Jesse comes into it.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    The possessive of "it" isn't "it's"; it's "its." "It's" means "it is." "Its" means "of it" or "belonging to it." Contrary to how it would seem, when "it" is made possessive, there's no apostrophe, just an S.

    Suggestion for your second sentence: "They had only known each other for a month or so but were fast friends." The term "fast friends" refers to a deep friendship that forms very quickly, where two people just instantly click like they've known each other forever.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Jeses wept

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