Issues with future mother-in-law and fiancé. Am I in the wrong here? Need honest advice please?

I used to have a very close relationship with my mother-in-law, but with time I've realized more and more that she has a shady and unpleasant character. She would oftentimes make racist, judgmental remarks. She's an older lady so I've tried to let some things slide, but I found out that behind my back she was saying she didn't really accept me for her son because I come from a different cultural background. When I confronted her about this, she began talking in circles and didn't even apologize or try to amend. To make matters worst, she's made inappropriate comments to me regarding my fiancé's past relationship. She would tell me what a wonderful person she was and how her and my fiancé still have and will always have a strong bond and connection. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her that I don't ever want to hear about his ex again, because it makes me extremely uncomfortable and is just not ok with me. She said she understood, but obviously did not. The other day I went to visit her in an attempt to be nice, and she had a guest over. While I was sitting RIGHT THERE, she starts telling her guest how her son used to live with his ex who was such a nice girl and mentioning other unnecessary things about it in my presence. I promptly grabbed my bag and made an excuse to leave. I came home and told my fiancé what happened and that I never intend to see her again. Well, she wrote me an onslaught of messages afterwards both to him and I.


Saying how I'm a jealous, cowardly, selfish and immature little girl. That I'm a miserable person who will never make him happy. That all along she's kept her mouth shut about all my faults and shortcomings, and yet I think I have the right to criticize her.

Update 2:

I've literally never criticized or even shown her any unkindness, in fact I've been far nicer to her than she's deserved. But what makes me even more upset is that although my fiancé stood up for me, I find out the very next day he's contacting her asking if she's ok. It almost felt like a betrayal and slap in my face. I just don't know what to do with all of this and if anyone could give me advice regarding how to handle this mess, I'd greatly, greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

3 Answers

  • 1 year ago

    be the candle okay that's the candle

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Maybe she's realized that you think she's your mother in law but you're not married to her son.

    Maybe she's realized that you have posted this over and over again.

    I would be speaking to her son AND avoiding her.

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    You are not in the wrong. But you also can't really ask him to choose between you and his mother. Unfortunately even if he is willing to cut ties with her, he will come to resent you for it. It could potentially work if only he sees her but when children come it could be complicated. Ideally he would put his foot down and tell his mother that he will cut her off and she will never see her grandchildren if she doesn't make you feel welcome. But that ship has sailed because there is probably little she could say to you now to undo the damage. You could agree to go with him to only family events that are large gatherings and not at her home. You could definitely have handled it differently. Unfortunately he is in a tough spot. Imagine if he asked you to choose him or your family. Ultimately, a divided family is going to hurt someone. I personally would call off the wedding if someone made me make a choice like that. Or you could try being the bigger person. Living well is always the best revenge. You can co-exist and be courteous a few times a year for family events for the sake of marital harmony. You have her son. You will likely have her grandchildren. The key to dissolving hate and racism is to let someone get to know you enough to understand how wrong they are about you. It is through love and compassion that we heal. You right now have the ability to combat racism with this one person. Make her see that she is wrong. It only takes one candle to light a darkened room. Be the candle.

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