My fiancé continues to contact his exes behind my back. What should I do?
So I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, engaged for 1. We've been living together for the past 2 years, and right when we moved in I had a huge bomb dropped on me. His most recent ex sent me a message saying that he'd called her a year into our relationship to say he still loved her and basically that I should watch my back because he's not to be trusted. This obviously messed with my head big time. I confronted him and he admitted to having called her, but said it was only because he'd ended things badly and was trying to reconcile for that. He denied saying he loved her and everything else she mentioned. I was devastated that he kept the phone call from me, but tried my best to let it go. The entire first year of us living together, I experienced sleep paralysis because the whole thing actually stressed me out to such a degree because deep down, I couldn't help but feel like I was still being lied to - and if there's one thing I hate, it's dishonesty. Well, I found out that for a significant chunk of our relationship, he was comparing me to this girl and basically humiliating me big time. And he waited until AFTER he proposed to admit that he did, in fact, tell her he still loved her. I cannot even tell you how deeply this all hurt me. He said it was all foolishness on his part and that he's never regretting anything more, because with time he's come to realize that I'm the only woman he's ever really loved and it was all just a terrible mistake.
I forgave him (stupid of me, perhaps) and decided that since we made a commitment to get married, that we leave the past behind and move forward having hopefully learned from all this. Well, I find out that a couple of months ago, he reached out to yet another ex via email (a different girl this time, but still an ex). When I asked him why, he said it's because he missed having conversations with her since she was the only one he could have certain intellectual discussions with.
I ended up having a total breakdown, like sobbing uncontrollably because I just couldn't believe he could be so careless again when he knows how much he hurt me in the past. When we had agreed to no more secrecy and betrayal. And while I'm crying and freaking out, he had the nerve to scream at me at the top of his lungs and leave me alone on the couch. I've honestly never felt so low and just needed to vent since my partner is sound asleep right now without a care in the world.
- John PLv 71 year agoFavorite Answer
From all of your story it sounds as if it is the end of the line for any hope of a good marriage with him. Sorry to have to tell you that, since you have "invested" several years of your life in your relationship with him. But I cannot see how he might change, and I cannot see how you will get any mental stability if he is around. You deserve better.
- loveableLv 61 year ago
Maybe that woman still love your man.
You and him take time sit down and talk things out as an adult. Then make a decision together, after all this relationship belongs to both of you. What is that he hopes for in this relationship, what is the gap in between is it time/personal space/misunderstanding/miscommunication? Was he unsure whether you love him? Was he not feeling that you love him? Get him to talk and laugh as before, that's what relationships is about. The lost smiles, the lost laughter, the lost butterfly feelings, the lost eye contact, if it is all worthy, get it all back because you are the real girlfriend. But if he is not what you want to be with, the man you don't want to hold his hand no matter what happens, then just let it go. It will hurt definitely, but you know what is yours is yours, what is not yours is not yours.
- Barb OuthereLv 71 year ago
1. You should not be in any relationship until you get your anxiety and "sleep paralysis" under control. You can't be a full partner in a relationship if you aren't in control of yourself and how you choose to react to things. This also leaves you vulnerable to being used, abused, or to staying where you needn't/shouldn't be because you don't feel strong enough to be by yourself. Get professional help.
2. He was lying to you yet you still chose to get engaged to him AFTER finding out, but feeling the way you do? WHY? When you hate that in the relationship?
3. Telling another woman he still loved her, in spite of being in a relationship with you for 3 YEARS? Again why stay? He tells her one thing and you another. Can you trust him now?
- seedy historyLv 71 year ago
I'm my husband's 4th wife. I wasn't eager to join the squad. But before the first 9 years came in, we'd been wed longer than all three of them combined. We're wed over 3 decades now. My husband told me that I'm the only woman he's ever really loved too. I believe him. Might be true for you too.