Dating, sex, and privacy, please help?

So I'm living with my ex until we make other arrangements.  We've been together for a very long time and haven't been close for a long time.  It's clear to both of us and has been for a long time.  We've been in separate bedrooms for over a year.

So I met this dude quite a while back and we've hooked up a few times (just nsa stuff).  My ex recently hinted that he knew about it.  I figured either he had a) nosed through my computer or b) someone was talking too much and shared our nsa adventures.  I am a very private and protective guy and I hate being the subject of gossip...but I also hate someone nosing through my computer.

As of today, I'm pretty much sure it's a case of loose lips.  I think the guy I was hanging with was sharing info with a mutual friend (that I didn't know was a mutual friend).

My ex was dropping some more hints today about the source of info.  Our mutual friend in one of those gay queens that loves nothing more than getting involved in other people's business and causing a bit of drama.  This REALLY upsets me.  I'm not really sure how to handle stuff like this as I usually avoid even the tiniest hint of drama, gossip, etc.  It's the part of being gay that I really hate.

Thoughts?

Update:

EDIT: Dunno why you think otherwise, but I'm not a woman haha....and there's nothing shameful about having a hookup.  It's just a private matter. 

4 Answers

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  • reme_1
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Talk to him and tell him to keep his damn mouth shut.

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  • Tj
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Time to think about getting new friends, choose wisely. Your ex is a ex...f him...do you think he has be alone all of this time? If he has a problem too darn bad for him.

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  • 1 month ago

    You feel compromised, and you're checking to see if you can blame that on someone so that perhaps you can become indignant or angry with the individual.  In other words, you're on a quest to short out that sense of unexpected vulnerability, in a display of moral outrage.

    You've considered blaming your roommate/ex.  You've realized you could blame your nsa buddy.  Now you want to blame a catty drama queen, and you're even toying with blaming the entire LGBT universe!  ("part of being gay")  Ouch!

    Okay, we get it.  We've all felt that feeling before.  But wouldn't it be more to the point to realize that this compromise you find so uncomfortable is almost inevitable if you are dating another guy in the same city where you and your ex live?  Because that is certainly the case.  Don't you realize that 73% of all human conversation around the globe concerns the doings of other people known to both conversers?  Do you imagine that your ex never speaks to other people?  And what do you suppose they would talk about?  I'm going to go out on a limb here and bet the guy you're dating has drinks at some of the same establishments you, your ex, and your mutual friends frequent.  That makes this a...uh (counting on fingers)...ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION thing.

    So you see:  Inevitable.  In.  Evitable.  So yeah, it feels uncomfy, but what's the point of going to the trouble of identifying some target to get mad at for it?  When really it was GOING TO HAPPEN as soon as you said "Sure, let's go someplace more private."  You can't "short out" your OWN role in this peccadillo.

    So cut to the chase, and chew the nsa guy out for sharing private details, or - better yet - find someone else who doesn't think that sort of sharing is normal.  Then be done with it.  Better luck next time.

    • Dan
      Lv 4
      1 month agoReport

      Good advice!

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    The gossiper's sexual orientation has nothing to do with it, so let's leave that at the door.

    If you're ashamed of what you're doing, then people learning about it is going to get you upset. Who told isn't the issue (although it's undesirable). What matters is that you're doing something you know others disapprove of, and it's not stopping you.

    I don't care if you're hooking up, but I'm not good with freaking out when other people learn what a grown woman is doing with her own body, and when she blames gayness for it getting out. The fault, if there is any, lies with your actions being something you yourself believe to be shameful.

    For goodness sake, put a strong password on that computer if there's even a remote chance the ex is snooping.

    • iammclane
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      There is value in privacy beyond protecting one from shame, but it's certainly asking oneself the question if maybe that's what's going on.  Is it a sense of violation, or just plain ol' embarrassment?  And the computer security point is spot on!

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