How to break up with my roommate? (P.S. She's my sister)?
I'm living with my sister and our lease is coming to an end. She wants us to look for a place together, but I'd much rather get my own place.
Why I want to separate: I just want my own place, you know? Where I don't have to coordinate, negotiate, or compromise with anyone else. Living with family is nice (save on rent, share household responsibilities, our parents have a place to stay when they visit) but it can also be tiring at times (no boundaries, no privacy, have to negotiate thermostat temp all the time, pressure to socialize with family even when I don't want to).
Why I don't just say it: I can afford to rent my own place, but she can't. She could find a roommate, but it won't be the same because our parents can't come over and stay like they used to. Besides, she may not get along with the stranger, which would make for a poor living experience. And I just know that the moment I declare I want to get my own place, I will be subjected to a barrage of questions and emotional blackmail.
"Your mother can't come stay and cook for you - don't you want that?"
"Your sister won't be able to get her own place, can't you just try and adjust?"
"What would it take for you to stay with her?"
"You would save on rent by staying with her. Don't you want that?"
These are all valid questions, but I just want some freedom. It doesn't mean I'll stop loving them any less, you know?
How do I make them see this? How do I part ways with my family without this getting contentious?
Thank you for taking the time to share your advice! I went ahead and told them I wanted my own place, and it got contentious FAST. It's at the, "We'll never speak to you again. Did we really raise you to be this selfish?" stage of things.
- Coach SimonLv 710 months agoFavorite Answer
Everyone need to learn to live on their own - learning about themselves, how to run a household, etc. Only after that, I believe, can we learn to live with someone else. Explain to her that this is what you want - to love on your own for the first time in your life. One day you will each want to marry (or live with someone else), so this may well be the only time in your life that you will experience living alone. Make your decision, and then keep with it. Refuse to argue! Everything of course has its advantages and disadvantages, and of course there are valid arguments against it: your family is not necessarily "wrong", it is just what you have decided to do having weighted up the pros and cons. It's your life and your decision. And it doesn't make you selfish!
- PearlLv 710 months ago
just tell them the truth, that you just want your own place
- Anonymous10 months ago
I wish you'd given your age, because technically, you don't owe them an explanation. In fact, where parents are concerned, it's usually a bad idea. If you're independent and on your own, half the fun of this is being able to run your own life! I'm sure you want to give them some kind of answer, but you need to keep it vague and firm. Whatever you do, don't get caught up in defending or justifying your choice. If you find yourself doing this, it's a clear sign it's time to set some adult boundaries with them. In other words, if it gets contentious, you're doing too much talking. Tell them the decision is final and you hope they understand.
With your sister, you might owe her a bit more of an explanation, but just tell her you've reached the point where you want to be on your own. Also, you can advise her on getting a place. There are people of all ages out there right now living in rooms in group houses. These are cheap, easy to get into and can be lots of fun. Also, there's lease flexibility. She can go month to month to see if it works out. It's not like this is some huge punishment if she needs to secure her own housing. I had to do this the day I graduated from college.
- seedy historyLv 710 months ago
Hold in mind that once you are an independent adult, none of those question will be relevant again. Once you've GOT your own little nook to tuck into all that Mom coming to cook or saving money or even ALLOWING the contentiousness... history.
Your sister is either old enough to be out of her parent's home or she isn't. Not YOUR job to "finish her up" for a couple of years because she's not ready to be on her own. Really. Not your job. If Mom and Dad want to try to talk her into moving back home so that SHE can "save on rent" or so SHE can "try to adjust" or so SHE can enjoy Mom's cooking.... well.. that's their challenge to undertake.
Let your sister know NOW that she'll need to find her own digs. There are lots of college students needing roommates There are ads on campus, ads in the paper, folks to talk with at work.... it's really not all up to big sister to "ease" her path to adulthood. We really all learn our own lessons.
Most people can not afford to get their own apartment for their first few places and years out on their own. The moment I could? I Did! The value of having my own nook for several years was invaluable for me for the rest of my life.
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- lalaLv 710 months ago
You are in a really tight spot
but one day you will have to make a move toward your own place and independence
AS I can see you never stood up for yourself
but the time is there to do it
NOTE Expexct all this crap from your parents but it will not be easier in 4 yrs from now ;;because they are use to use you
Mother of 5 grown up son