tanaty asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 2 months ago

please let me know your opinion of this poem?

Everynight becomes A fright

flickering light begin

Pain goes up and down

struggle's become the devils

blood comes to show

time goes by nobody shows

days of silence begin

Feeling of strength accure

memories fly by

power squirts out

I become brave

Learn to speak for the charge

Failure comes fast

As i was a burden upon the world

Now i'm an angel

I fly up but must swoop down

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  • Cogito
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Sorry, but it's not good.

    "Every night" - is two words.

    "becomes A fright " - a very forced, childish rhyme."flickering light begin" - not English.  A light begins to flicker?"Pain goes up and down" - that's not natural English - it sounds really childish."struggle's become the devils" - the plural of 'struggle' is 'struggles' - no apostrophe.  Also 'the devils'? Why?"blood comes to show" - show what?  Comes as in 'arrives' or 'evolves'?"time goes by nobody shows" - do you mean 'time goes by.  Nobody comes'?  Otherwise it makes no sense."days of silence begin" - that's okay."Feeling of strength accure" - there's no such word as 'accure'."memories fly by" - an odd way to describe memories.  If they fly by, you wouldn't be noticing them."power squirts out" - 'squirts' is terrible.  It's entirely the wrong word."I become brave" - okay, but weak."Learn to speak for the charge" - 'for the charge'?  What does that mean? 'Charge' as in attack, be asked to pay money? It doesn't make sense."Failure comes fast" - why?  You haven't said what you're trying to do, so fail at what?"As i was a burden upon the world" - it has to be a capital I - but why are you a burden?  "Now i'm an angel" - I'm (capital I) and if you mean you're dead, say so."I fly up but must swoop down" - Up where?  Down where?  Why do you have to swoop at all?

    Perhaps try to be clearer about what the point of your poem is - a reader can't guess what's in your head.  Also, work on your English; that would really help.

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  • 2 months ago

    That's great. A voice to go along side it to show how it's sculpted in your head would be awesome. Some pretty decent song lyrics too. Keep it up 👍

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