Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 3 months ago

How do you like my story so far?

It was nearing Christmas. As you walked into the house, you felt the warmth from the fireplace and the smell of ginger from the essence by the door. Ruby, our golden retriever would run to us, knocking down a few ornaments from the tree in the process. After greeting her, I would pick up the ornaments and place them back, I would go straighten the stockings on the fireplace and fluffed the throw pillows on the couch that had flattened throughout the day. By then, Marcus would have come into the house holding our daughter, Ella. She would have been fast asleep, holding onto the collar of his jacket as he made his way to her bedroom and laid her down on her princess themed bed. Ruby would lay by her side as she always did when her favourite person came home. Marcus would kiss her goodnight and run to the living room and sweep me off my feet.

 “She’s not going to wake up till morning”, he would say. He would look at me with his deep brown eyes filled with a sexual desire and his lips would find their way to mine, parting only for a split second to catch our breath. His embrace would tighten; every movement and every touch would intensify. I would run my hands through his long slick brown hair and a groan would escape the moment he kissed my neck, longing for more. By then, I would lead him to the bedroom and —

 

Update:

“Are you sure you want to sell the house?”, the realtor said, bringing me back to reality. She was a petite young woman with dark green eyes and fiery red hair. She was wearing a buttoned grey blouse tucked under a black knee length skirt and of course, black pumps with a three-inch red heel. You could tell that she is feisty and bold, but not today. Today, she’s walking on egg shells.

 

Update 2:

“Yes Catherine, there is nothing left for me here,” I said, handing her the keys. I glanced back at what used to be the happiest place on earth and took in its features for the last time. The black doors contrasted perfectly against the white brick of the bungalow, giving it a more modern look. 

Update 3:

Below the window to the left we had hired a landscaper to fill it with the most colorful flowers; from roses to carnations and Marcus’s favourite; daisies. Before winter came, he would always pluck one up and place it in my hair. “A daisy for Daisy,” he would say. Staring back at the house now, I couldn’t help but tear. No matter how many memories I had in this house, I couldn’t live here anymore. Not since Marcus and Ella past away. “Let me know if there are any sellers,” I walked away.

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  • 3 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Good start but some suggestions:

     do NOT at all use the word ‘you’ - we are not in the story. First or Third person is good.

    Your description seems good, but it’s not what someone wants to start a story with. Create a hook. What is the main theme of your story? You have to make it exciting. It’s a love story, right? Start with a short sentence. “He is gone. Forever” or something. Catch the reader. Is there some sort of important action in the story - a plane crash or something? If not did someone die from cancer or....? Mention that. Make it sad. Connect with the audience. Hook them. 

    I also suggest you should make your sentences longer, some full stops are in the wrong place - use commas instead. 

    Good luck!

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  • 3 months ago

    Please, don't give us a laundry list of every move made. That's not WRITING. Get out of the first person perspective.

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  • Anonymous
    3 months ago

    poorly written drivel. thank you.

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    I am disturbed by some of this - what *is* "the essence by the door"? why is the child so deeply asleep? are they really just going to leave her - presumably in her outdoor coat and shoes, on her bed with the dog lying (NOT laying) next to her.

    The phrase "he realtor said, bringing me back to reality," sounds like a play on words, but surely can't be.

    The phrase "walking on eggshells" close to the description of her red-heeled shoes calls up a grotesque image which presumably wasn't intended.

    And surely the last sentence should be 'let me know if there are any *buyers*.

    • ...Show all comments
    • Tina
      Lv 7
      3 months agoReport

      Yes. particularly by the child being left alone with the dog, and the way she was, apparently, just left on the bed in her outdoor clothes

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  • 3 months ago

    The feck did I just read?

    This is worse than the opening you shared earlier. Sophia, please, for the love of readers and the love of writing, spend more time learning how to write before attempting a book. First drafts naturally suck, but when it's evident the writer knows little about writing in the first place it's even worse. Keep writing, but learn how to do it.

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  • 3 months ago

    Find a way to tell the story without using 'would' in every sentence.

    Sort out your tenses: "I would pick up the ornaments and place them back [why not 'replace them', or even better leave out 'pick up the ornaments altogether, and just say 'replace the ornaments'?], go straighten the stockings ... and fluffeD the the pillows" ... Why pick, place, straighten, then suddenly switch to Past tense, fluffed?Then you got it right when Marcus 'laid' Ella down on her bed, but wrong in the very next sentence with Ruby. Ruby would LIE by her side.

    Please, please, please, get 'lie' and 'lay' sorted out in your mind once and for all. This is a mistake that no writer can afford to make unless they don't mind being jeered at as illiterate.

    Maybe 'slick' means something different in American English, but to a British reader 'slick' hair is greasy , even slimy.

    Why 'pluck up' a daisy? Most people would simply 'pluck' (or 'pick) a daisy. 'Up' adds nothing. It only makes it look as if you're trying too hard.

    You have a dangling participle. A 'groan' can't 'long' for more. And you mean either 'then I would lead him to the bedroom' OR 'by then I would have led him to the bedroom'. You can't combine them.

    OK; again, as in your other extract with the tears 'strolling' down your cheeks, there is a lot of poor writing, mainly because you haven't THOUGHT about what you're saying, but a lot of it is perfectly competent. Keep going, but strive less for effect (do we really need to know what Catherine was wearing in such detail?) and focus more on telling the story.We've grasped that Marcus is dead, you're mourning him, you've got to sell your lovely house - now get on with it!

  • 3 months ago

    "Lead him to the bedroom" --- and what? If the rest of that diabolical mess is as unconcerned with narrative flow as that then there's going to be a lot of disgruntled readers, you know. Really!

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  • Speed
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    I pulled back at "you" in the first sentence. I'm not present.

    So, do you want to know where it fails, or only to hear praise? Because there's a lot that needs improvement, starting with losing "you" and inserting an actual hook as required.

    I nearly stopped reading when you screwed up lay and lie. Pet peeve of mine.

  • Eva
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    "You" and "would" are improperly used.

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  • 3 months ago

    I love it. I suggest official publishing or releasing webnovels.

    However, I will give slight criticism. Unless the realtor is a recurring character we do not need much information on her. Other than that, love what little I've read. :)

    • Sir Caustic
      Lv 6
      3 months agoReport

      Magic 8 B0llocks more like!

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