Anonymous asked in Social SciencePsychology · 1 month ago

How long will this pain last?

My mom died six months ago. We lived 20 years together just the two of us, and I took care of her. But as in everyday life we had moments of discussion as well. She did not understand my problems, and sometimes I was very sad at the indifference and lack of sensitivity on her part, and I confess that sometimes I said things that I shouldn't have said. But in daily life, after a disagreement, there was always joy the next day, after all we were a mother and daughter.

But she died ... and I feel a weight inside my heart ... every day I think, I remember, I remember more of the bad moments, the things I said and I shouldn't have said ... It's been 6 months, but I cry every night, wishing the time would come back I would have been a better daughter for her ....

3 Answers

  • 1 month ago

    Each person has to work out the grief in his or her own way. The vital step is to avoid self-centered stagnation and self-pity. Some suggestions based on the experience of bereaved persons are:

    • Let your grief manifest itself; don’t try to hold it in. The sooner you grieve and weep, the sooner you will pass the period of acute grief.

    • Perhaps you feel that some neglect on your part contributed to your loved one’s death. If so, realize that no matter how much we love another person, we can’t control his or her life. We can’t prevent “time and unforeseen occurrence” from befalling those we love. Besides, no doubt your motives weren’t bad.

    • Do you also feel a bit angry, perhaps at doctors, nurses, friends, or even the one that died? Realize that this, too, is a rather common reaction to loss. Explains one psychologist: “Hurt and anger go together. For example, when someone hurts your feelings, you have a tendency to get angry. Anger is a protective, defensive emotion.” It may also help to express the anger. Certainly not in uncontrolled outbursts. Some express their anger in writing. One widow reported that she would write down her feelings and then days later read over what she had written. She found this a helpful release. Others find that vigorously exercising when they are angry helps.

    • Don’t be unduly anxious: You may find yourself worrying, ‘What will become of me now?’ The Bible counsels to take one day at a time. “Living more on a day-to-day basis really helps me,” explains one widow.

    • Keep busy and continue your routine of work and activity. As soon as possible, take an interest in other people and their problems. Try to help others, and you will help yourself.

    • Talking can be a helpful release. So talking about your feelings to a friend who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. And if the listener is a bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his own loss you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope.

    • Take care of your health: Your body needs sufficient rest, healthful exercise, and proper nourishment as much as ever.

    • Many expressed the great help they received from prayer. It’s not that the benefits of prayer are just psychological. The “Hearer of prayer” promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it. And that holy spirit, or active force, can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to go from one day to the next.

    • Hope also helps to cope with grief. Consider: How would you feel if you knew that it was possible to be reunited with your dead loved one in the near future right here on earth under righteous conditions? A thrilling prospect indeed! But is it realistic? Jesus promised: “The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”—John 5:28, 29; Revelation 20:13; 21:3, 4.

  • 1 month ago

    You were a good daughter and it sounds like you shared the good and the bad. I'd say that was the complete package.

    Life is experienced through opposites. (hot, cold, bitter, sweet, good, bad)

    You will remember the bad, but cover them with all the good moments you had with her. 

  • 1 month ago

    There's a great book - Authoritative Guide to Self-Help Resources for Mental Health. It's based on polls of more than 3,000 mental health professionals. The book recommended above all for grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love.

    Psychiatrists say that although grief is not the same as depression, it can lead to case of depression that calls for treatment. You can take a depression screening test online, such as CESD R. Treatment usually begins by seeing the GP, who can give you a referral. I mention referral because just a bottle of pills is not a very good approach.

    The things you'd want to tell the doctor are how you feel at different times of day, any symptoms you might have such as change in appetite or sleep, and things in your life affecting how you feel.

    If you're depressed, I can't tell you exactly what you need. There's no one size fits all solution. I can tell you though that there are healthy lifestyle choices that can enhance the effects of the standard treatments with office visits. This answer has details, under DEPRESSION TREATMENTS -

    Some therapists have begun working on the phone. You can call your doctor and ask about this.

    Legally, a therapist can work over the phone with anybody in the same state. Some insurance companies cover phone therapy. You can use the Psychology Today Find a Therapist feature to get a list of therapists in your state, find out who’s working by phone, and what kinds of problems they specialize in.

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