Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 2 months ago

What do you think of my poem for my AP English comp class?

We're supposed to write a poem that rhymes and uses meter but doesn't follow a set structure and we were given a list of themes to pick three from and the tree I chose were: romantic love, nature, and death. 

My teacher also warned us not to bore him. He says he's tired of getting stacks of poems that are just about depression and self-pity, especially from us girls, which I kinda thought was sexist, but whatever. So he said he'll mark us up a whole letter grade if we can surprise him. So my poem's kinda dark, like I think he'll think it's shocking coming from me, who's not that way. I dunno. But is it too evil? Like, I'm kinda scared it'll get me called to the principal's office.

So tell me whatcha think? 

The Un-dirge

by Lily (me)

Lie down deep, my charming

Lie down deep, my beau

You are wrapped in blankets

Your body I did know

You'd made me your darling

Then you made me your foe

I will lay you with her

Well beneath the snow

Hear how sings the starling

Hear how runs the doe

Hear the world above you

Hear winter's cold wind blow

She waits for you to rest

My charming, do not rest

She waits for you in peace

My charming, do not sleep

My breath you breathed

Now I carry you

Your breath I ceased 

Now I bury you

My charming, do not rest

She waits for you to rest

My charming, do not sleep

You do not rest in peace

4 Answers

  • It's deep and powerful.  We're all a little homicidal at times and suicidal at times.  It's a part of life.  I can't do a meter.  I don't know why.  I think it's the lobotomy.

    You probably won't get into trouble for this.  Many of us weren't saved by our poetry either, not that it would have done any good in reality.

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    That is not at all bad. I don't want to encourage you to do something that will get you called to the principal's office - (I take it that would be a bad thing?) but I do like the poem.

    You know your teacher best, and if you think it would shock him too much, and decide to write something else, don't destroy this one. Keep it.

  • 2 months ago

    Naturally I didn't read the poem, so I can't comment. But I'm sure I noticed lots of kindas, a dunno and, of course, that whatcha at the end, there. You're making it too obvious, mate.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    So a poem that starts out with you boning your boyfriend and then is about him cheating on you and you murdering both him and the girl he's cheating on you with and then you dumping their bodies in the woods as you crazily talk to him like he can hear you and basically curse him to endless suffering?! 

    Mmyeah, in this climate of school shootings and so forth, I can totally see that getting you in big trouble, maybe even suspended or expelled.

    Also, the rhyming isn't great (e.g., "Charming" doesn't rhyme with "darling," "know" feels forced, and "peace" doesn't rhyme with "sleep." But rhyming "rest" with "rest," now that takes the cake! How ever did you think of it?), the wording's stilted (e.g., Who uses "beau" or "foe" or says "did know"? And even "darling" feels old-timey.), and the way you keep calling him "charming" maybe you should rename it "Snow White's Revenge."

    My guess, if you don't get an F and a two-week suspension, you'll get a C- at best, a full letter grade up from a D- for at least writing something that'll definitely be seen as surprising, though not in a good way.

    Maybe in college, you should go into accounting... or teaching. You know what they say, "Those who can't do teach."

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