Question about getting engaged? Do I have a right to feel upset over this?
9 months ago my boyfriend and I moved in together with the agreement that within 1 year of moving in, we should be engaged. 6 months in we checked in with each other and agreed that everything is working and our values and goals and everything in between aligns and we want to get married. We looked at rings together. Now 3 months later we brought up engagement again and he said he was so anxious. I asked if he’s no longer sure? And he said that wasn’t it at all, he’s anxious because it’s been 9 months and he’s done nothing and now there are only 3 months left in the year and he hasn’t looked at rings since we had together or given any thought to how he’d propose. And then he said “and with Covid it’s made things harder, if I wanted to customize a ring for you but can’t because stores are closed,” and all I could think is really? If you haven’t been bothered to do anything yet, how likely would you really have gone as far as customizing a ring for me?? I didn’t say that though because I knew that would be wrong and I just needed to calm down. I just feel upset that we were clear on our goals and timeline upfront and time keeps moving and he acknowledges that he’s done nothing. And yet when the latest tech products are released, he jumps on those orders instantly. If he wants to marry me then why can’t he be bothered? I know he still has time but even he acknowledged that he’s anxious because he’s done nothing. Is this common or normal or is something wrong?
- Anonymous4 weeks ago
i don't think it's his fault. i think it's your fault for being so bossy!
- KellyLv 71 month ago
Nobody is wrong for how they feel but there is a bigger problem here.
You seem focused on a ring, not the relationship. He doesn't seemed focused on either which is a sign that he is not ready to get married or engaged and that is actually okay. Marriage is something both of you need to be ready for, not just you. His stalling is an indication that he is not ready.
What needs to happen is that you both need to have an open and honest conversation about the status and expectations of your relationship. If getting married is important to you, but not to him then you need to reconsider your relationship because you want different things in life. If you know him well enough to be considering a lifelong commitment you should know him well enough to know if he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear or if it's the truth.
A ring isn't required to be engaged or married so no ring is an excuse on both of your ends. Stores were closed but that doesn't stop an engagement from happening. My guy got me a ring, but I would have married him without one and even without a big wedding. Is it really a money issue? A lot of people due to covid-19 haven't been working or had a reduction in income/hours so there's that too he may just not be financially ready to purchase.
You also shouldn't force an engagement on him if he is not ready, a forced marriage is a short marriage.
- TrishLv 51 month ago
Sounds like a copout to me and surely you know you live and even sleep in the same bed together. I would ask his intentions and set a timeline for yourself..don't give him an ultimatum..but let him know your timeline and stick to it. You both initially said you would get engaged within a year...he has had a year! There's no reason for the lame excuses. If he really wants to get engaged and married he wouldn't hesitate. You have to consider the fact that he is not going to ever make the commitment to get engaged... that's why you shouldn't live together...either get married or part ways.
- wldswedeLv 71 month ago
Technology isn't quite the commitment that marriage is... you know? I think a lot of people would be more comfortable buying the newest iPhone than promising a lifetime commitment to another human being. I think the fact that he's thinking about things is healthy, do you really want to spend your life with someone who just blindly follows along behind you like a puppy dog or do you want a partner who shares in important decision-making? A ring is also not a requirement for an engagement.
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- SBR32277Lv 71 month ago
It is common. Just to give you an example, I love how my yard looks after I mow and edge it, but it is a chore done in the heat that I often procrastinate on where the yard begins to look very unruly before I eventually make it look beautiful again. Your boyfriend loves the thought of being married to the woman he loves, but he hate the chore of getting there so he procrastinates. Now the deadline is approaching, adding stress and anxiety to the mix. He can be bothered when the latest tech comes out because it is "not" a chore, he is excited to get something that he "doesn't" have, he already has you. I'm sure if you really paid attention, you would notice other things he cares about but procrastinates doing because of the chore factor. What you need to do is tell him not to focus on a deadline for the entire project but rather break the chore down into smaller, manageable chunks and simply take things one small step at a time. He will feel less stressed with smaller steps and will be surprised at how fast things are actually coming together when he is only focused on the next step rather than the big, overwhelming picture. If you are too impatient to give him lee way here, then you are going to be sorely disappointed with all of your goals in the future running into snags as the unexpected always interferes with the best of plans.
- antoniusLv 71 month ago
@Stacey, No he doesn't, he is just lying. If a man has lived 9 months with a woman and claims to be anxious or concerned, then he does not truly like the woman. Now to the asker. If you two already knew you wanted to get married, then why did you not get married before you moved in together? I think that he is just playing house with you and now looking for a good reason to walk out or trying to cause you to become angry so he can use that as an excuse to leave you. Why did you move in together in the first place? You could have still seen each other without living together. Sorry, but my advice is if the rental contract on the apartment/house is in your name, then tell him to move out; if the contract is in both your names, then tell him you are moving out and before you move take your name off the rental contract. Look, when a man really likes a woman, he is not going to talk about a damn ring, he is going to make plans with the woman to get married and would have done so long before now. Don't be a fool, fine yourself a man who really wants to be with you. Seriously, he is not going to marry you, so don't waste your time with his silly excuses. Good luck!
- Anonymous1 month ago
sounds like your complaining about another woman you should feel 'his' belly and see if its gotten larger.
- FoofaLv 71 month ago
Seems you both have the right to be upset. A lot of the world is upset right now because a global pandemic has thrown everyone's plans into a state of chaos. Given that this has been going on for nearly six months and the future of things like marriage venues (even courthouses) is completely unpredictable, I think he's not entirely wrong for wanting to extend this deadline by another half a year or so. You're already living together so it's not like being married is going to change your daily lives all that much. I definitely wouldn't pout and pressure him on this otherwise you could be looking for a new place to live instead of looking for wedding rings.
- sunshine_melLv 71 month ago
You could remind him that a ring isn't required to get engaged.
Or also as you've both agreed that you'll be getting married, realise that you're already engaged (as it's an agreement to wed).
Also; you could ask him.
- HelenLv 71 month ago
"Is this common or normal or is something wrong"
Something is wrong. You don't place conditions on moving in with someone. That should happen naturally and organically, just like getting engaged. You've taken all the romance and element of surprise away from it. He probably does still want to marry you, but you've put so much pressure on him to get it done in a set timeframe that the poor guy's terrified!