Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

Should I continue helping my partner financially?

My boyfriend and I aren’t married yet but we’re living together. He’s older than me and he has 3 son’s ages 23, 19 and 17. In my opinion, they are adults. Well, my boyfriend is really bad with money. He never has any savings because he doesn’t spend his money wisely. Well, he’s on a cellphone plan with his 3 sons and he pays the plan for all four of them every month. The problem is that when he doesn’t have enough, he always looks for me to lend him money. For example, his bill is due on Tuesday so he needs to wait until Friday when he gets paid. So he tells me to help him pay the bill and he pays me back Friday. He has always payed me back but it makes me uncomfortable to do this since I’m not on the cellphone plan. Shouldn’t he tell his sons to help him out instead of me? Why do I have to rescue him when he has three grown up sons who are using the service along with him? He has never once told his sons to pay. He feels bad asking them. I have lend him money almost every month but I honestly don’t think it’s my responsibility and I’m sick of it. He got mad when I told him I didn’t want to help anymore because it’s becoming a habit for me to always do it. He told me it’s more for his sons than for him, but they’re not my kids. They have a mother and father who should pay for them or make them grow up and start taking responsibility to help pay. Should I continue lending my money?

7 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Run from him and his sons. You have to be crazy to put up with this.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    "Shouldn’t he tell his sons to help him out instead of me?"

    Of course (at least the older 2).   But to be honest, the worse you make this sound, the more puzzling it is that you and your partner are living together.  This is a common mistake, but it's deadly.  Before taking such a big step, the couple needs to be sure they have stellar communication skills and they've talked through all the potential problem areas.  The biggest (by far) is finances.

    Obviously, you need to talk to him, but it's not a good idea to start down the road of "these aren't my kids" or mention that they should be taking responsibility.  This stuff is just a symptom of the real problem, which is you shouldn't be lending him money weekly for ANY reason.  You say he doesn't have savings and spends too much money, which is another way of stating he's living beyond his means.  But you can't possibly marry him until all of this is sorted out.  Since you're still single, his finances won't impact yours**, but this can change once you're married.  ** The exception is if you make a major purchase like a house or car with him.  I sincerely hope and assume you're way too smart to do this.

  • 1 month ago

    The 19 and 23 year olds should at least have jobs and be responsible for most if not all, of their expenses.  If my boyfriend had kids that age, and couldn't pay his bills, he'd be history.  I don't need a financial nightmare in my life. 

  • 1 month ago

    He keeps paying you back within a week and you're able to swing it. So it's really no money out of your pocket at all. And you know it's going to happen. And of course it's about and for him and not his kids. It's been a nice thing you do for him.  When I started living with my now husband (35 years ago), his court ordered child support payments were so low that I wept for his ex and immediately tossed another $100 a month into the pot every month for child support payments. I felt it the right thing to do. You do not feel that his financial reliance on you is the right thing. And since you don't feel like it is, I agree with you completely. Your relationship is not such that you desire to eagerly help in whatever small way you can. And you don't have to feel or think anyway but as you desire to do so. An older man with no financial skills is unlikely to learn them. You've other decisions to make. 

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    The three sons are NOT adults.  The 17-year old is LEGALLY not an adult.

    He was angry when you wouldn't contribute to the support of his children?  This would be a big red flag for me.  I married a widower with 5 children, and I have grown to DREAD the weekly "Dad, I need money for X" times 4 (one manages to act like an adult).

    I knew it before I married him, and we solved the problem by having joint savings and checking accounts AND individual savings and checking accounts.  My money is NOT used to support his children.  If joint money IS used for that purpose, we talk about it first.  There is no "lending" and there is no "borrowing."

    I would be looking for the door if I were you.  My husband has NEVER been angry with me over the situation.

  • 1 month ago

    You need to sit down at talk to this guy.

    It's good that he wants to help his sons, but he's obviously not in s position to do so. 

    Suggest that any of the sons out of full time education fend for themselves. Why is he paying all their phone bills to start with? Why isn't the mother helping??

    He will continue like this, until you change things!

  • 1 month ago

    If your financial situation is good then try your best.

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