Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

My boyfriend says he is separated for years but won't get divorced because he has teenagers. Does this make sense?

I don't have kids so it's tough for me to understand the situation. I met him recently, and our relationship is on a break because I can not accept that he doesn't want to get divorced. He lives separately from his wife and kids. He says he doesn't want to upset the kids (two teenagers).

33 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Talk to him some more about this. Divorce doesn't always just mean you stop being married. It often means your medical insurance for your kids ends and/or there are financial and tax ramifications that'll damage the children. If it's just that he doesn't want to upset them it's kind of a lame excuse, as one assumes he's no longer living in the home. If he's trying to keep the kids protected medically and financially that makes some sense. If not he's just not ready to completely sever his family. Oh, and if he's still living in the family home he has no intention of divorce and you're just a temporary diversion. 

  • Trish
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Living apart is already affecting the children.  He's not that into you.

  • 1 month ago

    It sounds like he wants a concubine wife, you should tell him that's illegal in this country and move on, I think by law what he is doing is illegal if he is still married however in this day and time I doubt the law will do anything about it

  • David
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    He doesn't live with the wife and kids.  BUT, he doesn't want to upset the kids.  No, that does not compute.

    A far more likely explanation is that he doesn't want to pay child support.  I can understand that, as it might take 60% or more of his take-home pay.

    You (the girlfriend) need to understand that at some point, the divorce becomes nothing but paperwork.  In other words, if he has a final divorce decree in his hand, then AT THAT SECOND, he will be no more or less ready to start dating...than he is right now.  The "divorce" is literally just a piece of paper.  That's IT.

    I think his explanation for not wanting to get that piece of paper is bullshlt.  However, if you broke up with him just because he won't get that piece of paper?  I'd wonder WHAT IS THE RUSH?  His kids are teenagers.  In a few years, he'll be ready to divorce anyway.  And it's not like you'd want to marry him in the next few years.  If so, then you are a FOOL...and that has nothing to do with his marital status.  It would simply mean that you are rushing into marriage way WAY too fast...

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  • 1 month ago

    I am sorry to tell you he is using his kids as an excuse.  As the younger kids generation x say he is just not that into you. His reason does not make sense to me.  The kids are almost adults and I can not see them getting any more upset after being separated and living apart for so long. They are used to that by now.  If I met someone I  fell in live with, I would divorce my ex asap.  However, Unless the ex is fighting him on the divorce, wants more child support, I would have divorced her once I found out we were not getting back together.  And if she or I was dating anf sleeping with other people I would have had divorced papers written up,.  the next day. 

  • Tara
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    He's already upset them if he doesn't live with them ... the hurt already exists.

    If he wants a divorce bad enough -- nothing will stop him for getting the divorce (not even his kids).

    Maybe .. just maybe ... they don't want him living with them .. and he won't let go.

  • Rick
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I find that hard to believe and I think it's just an excuse.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You should move on from this.

    It's not fair to you, to have to sit in wait for when or if he decides to divorce.  If they are living separately, the kids are used to them being apart so there's no reason not to divorce at this point.

    Years ago I was separated from my ex when I met my current husband.  He and I lived separately, had separate lives and even lived in different states and had 2 small kids.  He was in the military and deployed for a chunk of it so that made divorce have to wait but eventually he came home.  I came to the realization that it was fair to the guy I was seeing, anyone my ex dated or even our selves if we were still married as that limited advancement of relationships.  Once things started to be more serious  with the guy I'm married to now, I filed for divorce because I wanted/needed to move forward.  I didn't want/expect him to sit around and wait.  

  • 1 month ago

    Nonsense. If the kids were going to be upset, it would be when their parents actually separated. The divorce at this point is just paperwork. 

  • P
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    He's just using them as an easy excuse to a complicated situation.  Guys like that are scared of divorce.  They don't want to spend thousands on an attorney, pay child support and split up their assets.  He's happy enough with the status quo and as long as his ex doesn't force him into it don't expect divorce ever to happen even after his kids get older.  

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