Taylor asked in Social SciencePsychology · 3 weeks ago

30 y.o. son and mother can't reconcile?

My mother says I'm disrespectful but I don't see it. I have no problem admitting that I like to poke peoples buttons, especially if I can get them to engage in conversations in "big" topics. I love philosophy, psychology, religion...etc, and enjoy in having deep, wrenching conversations. People have also told me that I have an impersonal sense of humor . My mother and I got into a really big fight and I am having a hard time convincing her that we are arguing about two separate things. She thinks I am a bratty child with no direction( I have had many jobs this year due to fighting with bosses-i do not tolerate rude people), but I can't get her to see that morals come first, and I always engage in civilized conversation , but most of what I present is too lofty for others and people take personally(usually due to an overinflated ego). My problem with my mother is that she won't try to connect with me, she does not understand what I am saying(calls it psycho babbel), and all I want to do is really dig into our problems so that we can have a deeper relationship. I want to engage and she wants to move past it, she sees me as a child with a superiority complex and I see her as emotionally insecure. Thoughts?

Update:

It seems that people are pretty divided on this. To the guy who's mother tries to explain things thru religion, I would love to have those conversations ...as debates. I beleive the spiritual sciences and modern science will eventually merge wholly... METAphysics. And to the couple of you that I can tell see me as an asshole, I beleive you would be surprised that I am 100percent emotionally open...with everything. What is a relationship without complete openness?

13 Answers

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  • 2 weeks ago

    If your mother calls it psychobabble, then you are failing to communicate. It means you should/could try to find different ways to express yourself that she does understand.

    You may reach a point where you disagree, but can still love each other. But at 30 years old mother-son relationships generally aren't anywhere near as profound as they were when the son was a child.

    You may choose to stop forcing it and simply find what relationship you can sustain. In time you may both grow a little closer when you aren't constantly banging heads.

  • 3 weeks ago

    Everyone part of this conversation is wrong.

    You your mother and everyone answering this question do you know why?

    Because no matter what we say we can't change other people other than ourselves!

    You might be able to change yourself if you want to but I high doubt you will be able to change get your mom.

    It's you stay as you are and your mom will stay displeased or you become what she want and she might and not for sure think better of you.

    Sometimes I changed for someone and it didn't matter in the end.

  • amy
    Lv 6
    3 weeks ago

    Yeah I can see your point that youse two are on different pages but there a few brief issues with some things you said.

    -I like to press button to get into big conversations like ect yes it is nice to have deep conversations on those topics however pressing people buttons to engage it means its not a real open conversation. You cant get proper open dialogue by starting it with pressing buttons its starts off with a negative flash of emotion and continues as a forced conversation that is not properly listening. Forced dialogue and not properly listen youre not getting a genuine open conversation.

    -I always engage in civil conversation. Generally in face to face conversation (not online) if you remain calm, control and civil the other will respond the same most of the time. Ever notice a argument where one person gets aggressive then the other person gets slightly more aggressive then the other more aggressive this is classic. Esculation. Your demeanour can dictate the outcome of the demeanour of the entire engagement. Just because youse have remained civil doesnt means its a open conversation.

    I uderstand I may be you didnt best describe how your provoke conversation and may be there's a better description then pressing buttons so I could be just bringing non issues. Generally pressing buttons provokes negative emotion and the response feels forced. This is not a good way to start a big conversation. On top the person may feel a power inplay as it could be seen by some as manipulation as to press buttons provoking negative emotion and dialogue and you keep this dialogue going for some time that is not obviously negative as it appears civil because youve controlled your demeanour and tone to civil which is the opposite of button pressing.

    -people take personally (due to over inflated ego). Well you pressed their buttons to force a controlled long conversation that your lofting about it would be easy for people to read the situation quiet negatively not because of ego. 

    Either your so use to manipulating and making excuses that it just roled off here too or you have little understanding of proper conversation perhaps even some socialization and lack some self awareness and are misreading the situations.

    -youve quiet a number of jobs because your bosses were rude and morals. That comes of as an excuse and yeah bratty. Coincidentally all of your bosses have been rude? Right okay youre more likely misreading as you dont understand work dynamics. And you have the luxury to just quit a job at whim because youve got enough money set aside to cover you while your unemployed until you get a job next. So whos money is it? You quit a job and have no money well youre in a very bad situation worse then a rude boss. Thats an unrealistic and over privileged attitude.

    I think the only you could patch things is to as like to do open dialogue instead listen to her and actually listen to her try to understand her point of view. Ask questions to get a better understand of her view and why she views this and make an effort to actually work on it. Right now youre not actually listening to her you are trying to tell her she wrong and getting defensive which really just closes conversation and esculates. I really think at this point considering what youve said if you openly talk with her and listen and try to understand why she thinks if you dont try to work on it in some way and you then try to explain yourself show youre side she is just going to see that as before you telling her shes wrong and getting defensive and it will also come off like you just making excuses. 

    Ultimately I think you can fix this but its going to require more effort then just talk and some self reflection I dont mean in a way thats 100% your mother I mean try to self reflect on all her point and find a middle ground for you. If your been genuinely honest you appear self unaware and not well socialization things you can definitely work on. I think even if your mothers sees some effort and genuine improvement or visibly working on improvement shell come round. Its obvious not openly listening and getting to the core of understanding and reaching a middle ground with you just telling her shes wrong and getting defensive clearly isnt working.

    Its important to always be working on self improvement so you can be the best you can and that you can be better then yesterday.

    Anothing thing all things that are worth it are hard. Achievements, working on values and happiness all require effort and hard work. Life isnt is easy and if you take the easy way out it will leave you worse off for it. Its wired in people to take the easy option however you have other things to offset that such as motivation, determination and even passion. It easy for people to fall the easy way which will lead them to a harder and more misserable life. Again all things that are worth it require effort.

    @still standing I got clinically tested by a neuropsychologist for permanent brain damage with the weschler. I have permanent brain damage and im in the tenth percentile. I got a snort reading your reply. Perhaps im not interested in philosophy more hard science unlike you because youre smart get those closest to you don't appreciate and you dont really understand why or have a foggy clue to try fix it yes that oozes intelligence. Im no professional in psychology but ive learnt a bit of it and researched a lot it. Its a bit of a hobby for me. You also enjoy psychology because your smart yet the logical conclusion in a family dispute that is not repairing is family counselling with a psychologist if you didnt want to put in a little effort of what you know about psychology at best probably better then me straight up advising professional opinion and advice in family counselling. You didnt add much to the conversation other then me smart them dumb. Even being in the tenth percentile I view and treat people as though they are on the same level as me. Ive never been in a social sitiation in real life were I feel the need to question or talk about intelligence. Though I have done it a small few times and this is one of them. Honestly you just come off egotistic, arrogant and deluded. Youre apparently smart yet you cant add anything of substance instead you just talk about youre situation of being smart and close to you are dumb. Thats not a good look. So you add no value and just make yourself look bad. That was a smart move.

  • 3 weeks ago

    I'm with your Mom this is psycho babble boy you don't make any sense.  You can use a little bit of psychological help, 

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  • Chanel
    Lv 6
    3 weeks ago

    She may be your mother but you have different personalities.

    Accept mum for who she is cos you only get one.

    You can make new friends all through life and some of them you will be able to talk about stuff cos you will both be on the same level.

    Don't be mean to your mum cos as women get older and they get the menopause they do not have the energy to do what they used to.

  • 3 weeks ago

    Can't you see that 'poking peoples buttons' is a massive sign of immaturity? Has it occurred to you that some would say your mother is 'poking' YOUR buttons? But YOU don't like that do you? Another sign of immaturity that you only make allowances for yourself and don't respect the right other people have of resenting your actions? You can't stand 'rudeness' - but how rude are YOU to the people YOU perceive as 'being rude'? Sometimes their comment could be just misunderstood by YOU - how about just (CALMLY) asking them what they mean? I enjoy a good debate as well - but not when I meet someone who thrives on 'debating' all the time! There is a time and place for everything, and you clearly haven't worked out WHEN the time is right! Fighting with your bosses at work is total suicide. Seriously - who fights/argue with the boss - who pays your wage, and ultimately can make YOUR life hell by giving you horrible work/not acknowledging your efforts? Not only another 'maturity' red flag, but also DISRESPECTFUL not acknowledging/respecting your boss is in their position because they have done the 'hard yards' and gained experience to be placed in their position? Your mother is totally spot on. Has it occurred to you that she is doing her job as your MOTHER by trying to TEACH you? Again - you show HER no respect for the simple fact that she has seen more of life than you have and actually knows more than you do! 

  • 3 weeks ago

    It is disrespectful to purposely poke people’s buttons just to get them to engage in conversations about topics of interest to you. There is absolutely no problem with having deep conversations with people who would like to have deep conversations with you about topics that interest you. It is great to have morals and not tolerate rude people however a lot of bosses are going to be rude at some point. The problem is not that your mother won’t try to connect with you but the problem is that your mother can’t understand what you’re saying. It would be very hard for her to engage with you and dig into the problems to have a deeper relationship with you when she can’t understand you. Agree with your mother to move past the problems and reconcile to have a relationship with her.

  • 3 weeks ago

    I hear you loud and clear. I understand your problem. The people closet to me in my family can't stand being around me because I am so much smarter than they are. People that are not that close to me think I am a genius, they marvel at my ideas and things I come up with. Unfortunately , I don't think your mom is intelligent enough to have a meaningful conversation with you. You may have a hard time finding anyone that enjoys the same subjects you do because most are not smart enough. I have a tag line I use online,     "I STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT , EVEN IF I STAND ALONE AND I USUALLY DO"............but it beats the hell out of being an ignorant ***. If I tried to let things slide to make them easier , if I were a liar , etc. I would not be worth anything ...and that last sentence describes the vast majority of humans.  

  • 3 weeks ago

    I am 31, and this sounds similar to my relationship with my mother. She is always trying to control how I think of the world, through her religious reasonings. That's what parents do. Their sense of authority is is gleaned in the overall role as a parent. I am sorry to hear you are in a dispute with her, however, you sound smart enough to get out of the situation or move beyond it. I have tried to let my mother come out of her ignorance and accept a scientific view of the world, but she is very thick headed. There is just no point to arguing about such anymore. Same circles.

  • Anonymous
    3 weeks ago

    what a lovley personality you have

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